calima

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August 17, 2005

The Panic Room

Yesterday, while I was walking into work, I had a panic attack. Of course, I didn't know what it was at the time, all I knew was that I no longer had control over my body. I got very hot all of the sudden, started sweating buckets, my vision went all blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up.

Luckily, I had two of my co-worker friends there to help me. They said I just went white as a sheet. They helped me outside to get some air, got me some water, helped me calm down.

Of course, I didn't know what was happening to me, and it frightened me. All I knew was that I couldn't stop shaking. My hair went completely damp for sweating and I had trouble walking down the stairs for my legs shaking so badly.

One of my co-workers called Frodo and asked him to come and get me. He, in turn, called Princess, who was in town already, and asked her to pick me up, as he thought she could get there faster than he.

I sat in the reception of my work, sipping my water and freaking out with Missy, when one of my bosses came in and said there was someone waiting for me in reception. She walked me down the stairs (slowly) and there I saw Princess, who was worried but together, who walked me to the taxi queue, and then proceeded to holler at the cabbies who were milling about having their smoking breaks.

'Alright guys, get it together now, we've got a sick girl over here. chop chop! In the cab!' she commanded.

I couldn't help but laugh. Princess is a very 'take charge' woman when she wants to be.

I got home, changed into jammies, and laid on the sofa all evening, convelescing. Frodo made me some pasta and I just took it easy, and felt a lot better later.

I have no idea what triggered this attack. Ok, that's a lie. I do know why I was feeling like I'm at the very bottom of a bottomless pit. But the trigger itself, I don't know. I was fine, and then I wasn't fine.

If you know me at all (in rl or through this blog) you would know that I like to be in control. I'm not over-controlling by any means. But I do like to know what is happening, when, how, etc. I often joke that I am Monica from Friends. (This isn't entirely true, but then, it's a joke, right?) Therefore, the scariest thing about having a panic attack is suddenly not being in control. Not even control over my own body and reactions to stimuli.

I've only been reading a little about these sorts of attacks, but I suspect that the way to keep them from happening is to let go a little, and not be so wrapped around the axle about stuff. The crappy part is that it's a round-robin: I'm worried, then I have a panic attack and then I'm worried about the panic attack. Perhaps I'll take a yoga class or something. Or learn mind control. I've always wanted to learn mind control. Especially over other peoples' minds...hehehehe.

I'll be ok. But I don't want this to ever ever happen again.

x

Posted by calima at August 17, 2005 12:27 PM