Pearls of Wisdom:
-Oppressors can tyrannize only when they achieve a standing army, an enslaved press, and a disarmed populace. - James Madison
-A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. - Sigmund Freud

Well, Dr. Frued, I throw this at you. To you, EVERYTHING is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. What an odd man. It sorta bothers me that everything we know about psychology is based on him and his research in some way.

I woke up early this morning to go to the range to shred a few targets and powder a few clays. I had decided that I was going to Deer Creek Wildlife area because it's about 20 minutes closer than Delaware. It's good to have a few options for shooting.

It's funny how you tend to notice things that are a little odd. I realize that first thing in the morning, my brain doesn't work quite correctly. I left the house and decided that I would stop on the way to pick up breakfast. I drove down the road and looked at the sign that said 315 South and took the exit. A few seconds later, I realized that I was not going the right way. I was on 315 North. I mused over it a few minutes and swore that I really did see 315 South on that sign. No biggie, I'll take the next exit and stop at Burger King. Then, I'll hop on the 315 South exit which is right around the corner.

As I drove to BK, I was "drawn" to the exit down the street. That was where I was supposed to go. I didn't think too hard on it because I was hungry and BK was right there. I popped a few hash browns down my gullet and the early mental fog dissipated. I then realized that the exit I was "drawn" to was, again, 315 North. I guess I kinda understood then that someone wanted me to go to Delaware instead of Deer Creek. I acknowledged that desire but told this "someone" that I really wanted to go to Deer Creek today. If nothing else, I know where it's at and where the range is.

Well, there was nothing else. I got there and the thing I was kinda relying on was not there. At Delaware, for shotguns, you can either have someone hand throw clays or they have a set up for target shooting. Since I have no one to throw clays (nor do I have an automatic trap launcher), I have to rely on the target area. Deer Creek does not have a target area. I had to turn around and go home. Maybe that was what that someone was trying to prevent.

The good news is, I now know two ways to get to Deer Creek. I have one more close public hunting area available to me. I also have one more shooting range available to me if I find someone who will come with me. I am disappointed that I didn't get to shoot today, again, but it's done. I didn't have time to drive up to Delaware. I have to get to work at some point today. I am going to call the Div. of Wildlife office and ask if Delaware is open tomorrow. I doubt it is with the holiday and all. I hope, at least it's open on Saturday.

Anyway, time to clean up. I'm going to hit the library before I go to work. I think showering would be nice, don't you?

Amy

Pearls of Wisdom:
-Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I FINALLY cleaned the fish tank. Man that was a chore. Wasn't expecting much else since I've not cleaned it since, what......April? Ugh.

My fish are thoroughly stressed out. I only can make one gallon of water at a time for them so they got netted out of a nice warm tank and put into a cooler by several degrees small container. They were in there for a bit and then I "fished" them out of there and put them back into the aquarium with water that was even cooler than before. My guppy looks like he's having the fish version of hyperventilation. My wee cat is hiding in the grass looking like he's having a meltdown. My 3 danios were all swimming around like mad men until I put a little food in and then they were all, "FOOOOD! We're starved! It's been an hour!" They're fine now.

I am still worried about all of them though. This was a stressful enough tank change that I might loose someone. I'm worried about my guppy. He's not looking to great. I have the heater in right now so hopefully that will warm things up faster. I have the light on too for heat.

The tank was gross. I suctioned out the water and it was so brown you couldn't see through it. (Most of that muck was in the gravel.) I took out all the decorations and cleaned them. I filled and dumped the tank with clean water twice to get as much of the muck out of the gravel as possible. I scrubbed the dickens out of the sides because of the algae. I got 99.9% of it. Can't get it all sadly.

Everything is now back in there and clean and pretty. Here's to hoping all my fish will be there in the morning. Here's to me staying on top of cleaning my tank, no matter how stressful school and life gets.

Amy

Pearls of Wisdom:
-Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success. - Brian Adams
-I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher (1925 - ), in Observer April 4, 1989

I just got the call from Metroparks. They just got my fingerprint report in the mail this morning and we are officially a GO! Woooo!

I now have to wait for Richard, the park manager, to call me and we'll set a start date and schedule (note to self: get list of already planned stuff ready and available). Then I call another lady to schedule an appointment to fill out paperwork. Then, I work!

I was also asked if I would be willing to help do some programs in other parks, not just mine. I jumped all over that.

I'm so pumped to do something other than data entry all day. Speaking of that, I need to get back on the ball with it. I have one more small pile to go.

See you later, gators!
Amy

After many years of missing it, I finally went to Comfest. I walked down there. It was a nice enough walk. It was hot though and by the time I got there I was sweaty and feeling gnasty. I basically scanned the joint. I walked around to see all the vendor booths and food places. I went past the stages where bands were playing. I dodged hand holding lesbians walking in nothing but underwear. Quaint but annoying. (Gay Pride weekend too. Missed the parade sadly.) I found my self getting frustrated very quickly with the people around me. I felt like I was in NYC where all the tourists stop and stare in the middle of the sidewalk while I am wanting to go somewhere 10 minutes ago.

I find myself not enjoying crowds anymore. They irritate me. I like my personal space and crowds get all "up in my shit." I think the other thing that kept me from potentially enjoying the fest (besides being poor) was that I was alone. Everyone else there was with groups of friends. I saw no one that I knew the whole time I was there. The one person that I knew might be there I didn't want to spend time with. He's been irritating me something fierce lately and I don't know why. I feel like he drags me down somehow. Anyway, after a fairly brief walk around the park, I grabbed something to eat, gazed longingly at the purse I wished I could buy, and headed home.

I just got off the phone with dude I didn't want to hang with. I was lamenting not having anyone to hang out with when I was there. (He wasn't there yet anyway. He sleeps until 4PM.) I realized that I just unintentionally insulted him. Like he wasn't "anyone." I don't have the heart to tell him I didn't want to see him and I danced around the issue badly. I'm not a good liar anymore. Takes too much energy. He's a mart guy, I'm sure he knows.

I can only hope that next year, if I'm around, I will have peeps to go with. Me and my people can hang out for a few hours, listen to bands, eat food, shop, and be hippy-ish. Maybe by then, I'll have more people to hang out with than just dude. That way he can multi-task his attention. (I don't think he likes me, I just think he's lonely.) There's some things I don't want to mess with if I am alone, and this really was one of them. Why bother when you know that my small portion of the community wasn't going to be at the fest?

Today has left me dragging. I am not sure why. I found myself dreaming of vacation again. This time, I was trying to figure out how to get to Ft. Lauderdale. There's a group that is meeting at the Mai Kai down there. I'd love to meet them in person, see the Mai Kai, and hang out on the beach a few days. No matter how I work this out, I'd be spending way more money than I have. It's either A) $800+ for air, car and hotel (unless said group would be kind and put me up for a day or two and drive), B) @ $800 to rent a pop-up RV trailer and drive down and pay for a spot at the RV park, or C) spend a minimum of $600 in gas to drive down and back and hope that I can rent a tenting spot somewhere not in Ft. Lauderdale (because they don't have tent spots it seems). None of this includes money spent on food and knick knacks mind you. The other kicker on this is that I'd be not too far from Miami and my aunt and uncle would kill me if I didn't visit.

I'm seriously tempted to say "Fuck it!" and go anyway. I have a credit card. I need to get out of Ohio. I need a beach. I need....something that apparently isn't here. ~sigh~

Just looked up scooter rentals for fun. They actually cost just as much as cars do per day or more. Absurd. And I just saw there's a wildlife refuge really close to the city too. And I've been wanting to go back to Biscayne Bay in Miami. I lost all of my pictures I took of the area when I was there last. They didn't develop. :(

Did I say "sigh" yet? Oh, yeah, I did.

Thhppppt. I don't like feeling like this. Must go do something to distract me until I can afford vacation.

See ya.

FINALLY! I bought a home blood testing kit (for only $9.95 + S&H from Amazon) and I FINALLY know, after more than a decade, what my blood type is.

Sad thing is, I was more willing to slice my finger with scissors than to use the little lancet dealio that came with the kit. Can you guess which hurt more? (Actually it was the lancet.)

Bad news: I am not anything horribly special in regards to blood type.

Good news: I will ALWAYS be an A+.

:D

Okay, I know I'm writing this at 10AM but this actually happened at 3:30AM. We had someone pounding on the door. I thought it was my imagination at first but the realized I heard it for real. I went downstairs and peeked out the window and door and didn't see anyone. I poked my head out and it turns out it was a friend of my brother's. He said he'd gotten his car towed and he had a cab and was wondering if my brother would take him home so he didn't have to pay more cab fare.

Turns out dude got himself a DUI. Again. This time, they impounded his car. He's had a ridiculous amount of DUI's over the last year I guess and this may be the icing on the cake for him. My brother says he might get prison time for this one. He told him that he had a cab and that it was rude and inconsiderate for him to stop by here, freaking him and his sister out, at 3:30AM just to save a few bucks. He made his bed and and he needs to suck it up and lay in it. I guess he also told him that, even though he's a nice guy, he can't come around anymore.

I guess my brother had a pretty bad night last night anyway, including his current girl acting like a drunk psycho. He thinks his friends are pissed at him and, after dude last night, he had a raging anxiety attack that I didn't know about till this morning. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and he does NOT need this kind of person in his life.

I guess Dude just called him and asked for a ride to the impound lot. At first my brother acquiesced but when dude asked for financial help, he cut him off again completely. I just told him that I did not want Dude around here anymore, around him anymore, and I don't want to hear about him hanging out with him anymore. I did add that my bro is an adult and he can make this decision for himself but I do not want Dude here. He is a socially nice guy but he's become the proverbial bad influence. Unfortunately, he's a screw up. Has been for a long time.

I feel bad for my brother. I know what he's going through. He wants to help Dude but he's realizing that there has to be limits. Boundaries are supremely important when you're helping someone. When helping someone starts affecting your life negatively, put the boundary in place and don't back down. It's for your own good. I've had to do this numerous times in my own life. I felt like a shitty human being every time for "abandoning" my friends but I have to stay healthy too. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. In the end, only Dude can help himself and expect change.

Brother Unit isn't home yet so I'll just play on the computer and see if this buzz wears off a bit. Good evening tonight. Had a good time with my friends, ate good food came home with 4 free martini glasses and paid for one drink that included the glass. Nice....

Hawk and I have been talking about detachment and the surprising stuff that happens when one becomes detached to the end result. This evening was a prime example for me. The group I hung with tonight is the group that has been causing me anxiety. I've been fretting over whether or not they like me and all. All in all, I came to the conclusion the other night that I'm trying too hard. I asked myself honestly how much I cared if they like me all that well. Of course, on some level, I'd like everyone to like me but, on another level, it's no skin off my back if they don't. I also have to recall that I know passive aggressive "we don't like you" behaviour when I see it and I've not been getting it from them. At the same time, as mentioned before, there was a "scrutinization" that was going on.

Tonight, I went to the meet up with a different attitude. I was not going to stress or worry. I was just going to be me. That's all I can do. Doing more is not logical in any way. I ate, I hung out, I drank, I played pool. All was well in the world. Then one of the "Big Two" came up to me......

..he wanted to know if I was intending on announcing my intent to officially join the group. I gave him my schpiel about wanting to know more of a base level of things before I do so. He said that it wasn't necessary but when I was ready, he'd sponsor me. He essentially complimented me on being there for the group and my interest in things. I was very surprised to say the least. More so when I found out later how unknowing he was when he started this group.

Well, I must be doing something right so I'll continue on with it. I just bought a who mess of books so I'm not quite where I need to be to purchase more but there's always the library. I probably could also borrow if I asked nicely. I would like to get this base knowledge in place that I want. After that, I'm thinking I'll ask Mr. Sponsor to let me know how long initiation will be. If it fits the time frame I'm thinking they're working with, I can do it. If it's going to be longer, I'll wait till after I graduate I think.

Interesting how things work out, eh? I'm sure I can do a lot of this at the same time. I'm going to look up two of the books I was referred to tonight before bed. Maybe the library has them.

Maybe I am supposed to be in Columbus this summer. Maybe.