Holy shit, I'm in a bad mood. I've ripped into both Mom and Brother Unit today for really no good reason. Mom offered the suggestion for me to stay in town and just go fishing somewhere over my "vacation." I guess me staying in town is just not an option and in fact is paramount to a personal attack. Brother Unit tried to suggest some financial tips and I bit his head off. Granted, I've done everything he suggested and it didn't help at all but my reaction was not necessary.

I've been trying to be productive today. I've finished cleaning the kitchen and wiped down the counters. I sorted and trashed the stuff that was stacked on my side of the table. My desk is now cleared off except for the pile that needs to go in my file drawer. (File drawer is a project for another day.) The two things left really are the cake that should have been done a week ago and cleaning the fish tank. (Fish tank may wait for another day too.)

I seriously feel like my life is at stake. I'm in full fight node. I've been a nasty bitch since yesterday. I couldn't even really comfortably sit and chill and watch TV. I kept trying to get up and do "something." I never could pinpoint what the "something" was but I had to do it. It's like being a caged animal. You just keep pacing and doing the same things over and over because you don't know what else to do.

I guess when I look back, I can see this built up since about February when I had the accident thing. I felt back then like I was under attack. Granted, I crawled into a hole and prayed that she'd forget about the inky dinky dent instead of taking care of it. Now I'm dealing with the same shit but with the check I wrote her for the rental car I agreed to help pay for. She's had it for a month; it's still not cashed. There's another check I wrote 2 months ago that also still out. Now I'm facing the knowledge that I don't have the money for those checks. I need to find almost $400 to make things "okay." (How long are personal checks good for? Does anyone know?) I also had to break out the credit card that I locked away to go grocery shopping. So much for paying it down before I ever used it again.

I'm so afraid that as I start to sell things that I'm not going to get what I should for them. There's what I think I should get for them, what I honestly would get get for them under normal circumstances, and then there's what I'm thinking people will try to give me.

Damnit, my fucking headache and sore throat is coming back. I've swallowed more tylenol in the last week than I usually do in 6 months. Did I really bring all of this upon myself? I can concede some of it but this is absurd. I'm just beyond knowing what to do.

Pearls of Wisdom:
-You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. - Unknown

Today began with my brother stomping around the house and shouting because he lost his keys. What a way to wake up, eh?

Then, I found out that, even though I carefully tracked my expenses since payday on Friday, I have successfully bounced two automatic payments. It's 2 weeks till next payday, my bank will begin to charge me extra fees in about 7 days, and I have no way to scrounge together the approx. $140 I need to clean up the mess. I spent several minutes bawling at this point.

I scrounged my house for some money (brother unit gave me $5 for looking for his keys which he did find) and I decided that negative balance be damned, I was having a crappy day and needed my "comfort food" down at my favourite restaurant. When I got there, I found out that they changed their menu and no longer serve my favourite comfort food. Nor do they have my favourite dessert. I left and cried as I walked down the street.

I'm back at home trying to figure out what to do. At least I have a full tank of gas. I have decided that I'm going to pull out all the tiki mugs and stuff that I purchased and they're going on eBay. Not happy about it but I don't have a place for it, don't have a place to store it, and I need the money. I set up a pay pal account and am in the process of verifying it. (I hope it'll work since my account is below zero.) I set up my profile and hope people will believe me when I tell them that I am experienced on eBay even though it looks like I've bought nothing ever. I now have to find a way to get a digital camera or something so I can take pictures of what I have.

I thought about the text books I have but all of those are so old now that they're beyond out of date. I'm donating those as I find them.

I am still wondering about selling my car. I HAVE to have one at least until December. There is no bus that goes up to the park. I can get most of the way there and ride my bike but that's all but suicide on that stretch of the road. Plus, riding bikes or walking in snow (esp. next to a very busy road with a 45mph limit) is not a good idea at all. I don't even know what the hell I can get for it. It's an SUV. One of the better ones but with the gas stuff the way it is, I wonder if I'm going to gt hit on the worth. I should be able to get about $8k for it at this point. (Emphasis on should.)

Still no hits on selling my shotgun. I need to look up what I have to do since I'm selling it privately. All I know is the no felony thing.

I've been tossing around selling my furniture for a while now. I suppose I should give my brother first dibs. However, he can't buy it outright with cash nor can he afford to give me a few months free rent. The furniture is in very good shape and I've sold through a resale place before. However, I won't get what I think I should get out of it. People will watch stuff there for a few months and let the price go down. I really don't want to get rid of my love seat and recliner. I can make myself part with the wicker/rattan chair. It'd hurt to get rid of my book shelves but I will. Okay, I take that back. I actually use my bookshelves. I can get rid of my desk. The most important function of it right now is as a fish tank holder. I don't even use it to do homework. I also have a little antique sheet music stand" (similar to the picture but without door) that I use as a sewing station right now. I don't have time to sit and sew anyway. I'd love to strip the ugly kelly green paint off of it first though. It might help me get more money from it. Kitchen table will hurt but I have another table I found that would function. (Also needs to be stripped and repainted or refinished.)

Anyway, all this blahblahblah aside, I'm thinking of whatever else I can sell. The key item though in all of this is the car. I was pretty much living within my means until I had to get a new car. I had good intentions for getting an SUV when I bought it, and it's definately been useful, but I need something that is much less expensive.

Heh...I just looked up some scooters for the hell of it. I actually found one that goes 60+ mph and gets 110+ mpg. $1200-ish. Not shabby. However, I have no place to keep one when the weather is bad. Doesn't say what the gas tank capacity is though. The highest I've seen is 2.9 gallons. Most are between 1.5 and 2 gallons. (Hawkie, I found one for you!)

HAH! We totally have a "scooting club"! Columbus Cutters Scooter Club. That's awesome! I'd so belong to that if I had one.

Sigh.....if only this, that, and something else.....

Okay, I've taken almost an hour to write this thing. I have laundry to do, a fish tank to clean, a cake to bake, and a nap to attempt. I hope your day is better than mine has been so far.

Amy

Pearls of wisdom:
-Know thyself? A maxim as pernicious as it is ugly. Whoever observes himself arrests his own development. A caterpillar who wanted to know itself well would never become a butterfly. - Andre Gide (1869 - 1951)

Like Mogs, I am t.i.r.e.d. I actually snapped at cute ranger today. That's not good. He was only trying to be funny. (I'd say cute and funny but the first thing is automatic.) I heaved a big sigh of relief when the last family left the building tonight. I don't usually react like that. I had people in there right up until 8PM.

(Did I mention that we have a cute ranger? 2 in fact.)

I've been exhausted lately. I can't figure out if I'm coming down with a cold or if I've just been snoring something fierce. That will cause the sore throat and fatigue too. The more tired you are, the more you snore. Nasty cycle. I'm really burned out and need a break. The good news is that the break is going to happen shortly. I still need to figure out where this little vacation will be taking place but it will be taking place. I will not be in Columbus. Anyone want to donate money to my cause? Think of it as an early graduation present.

You know how sometimes you go through shifts in your life? I think I've mentioned mine before. I am going through a big one. A big uncomfortable one. Most of the time these shifts are subtle for me. Not this time. There's very obvious things that are changing for me. I won't go into those right now. Instead I want to mention one of the things that I notice when changes happen (hence me knowing something is changing even when it's subtle).

I am superstitious enough to believe in signs. Not the "end of the world" type but little things that I feel God does to get your attention. For example, I've seen a ton of bat stuff lately. I've been to two bat talks in the last month, been to a bat survey, read several bat story books, talked about them to people myself, and am helping my boss get ready for a bat program. Having this much stuff crammed into one month is unusual so I am paying attention.

I looked up bats as a "totem" animal and it seems that bats signal changes. Uncomfortable ones but ultimately good changes. Put a big fat check mark next to that one, please. The other thing is that we've been inundated with chrysalises and cocoons. I have one moth cocoon that will "hatch" in the spring, 3 monarch chrysalises, and one monarch that decided today was the day to become a butterfly.

Now, I've not seen a monarch come out before so I was very excited. I think I showed him to about 25 people and everyone pretty much wanted to know why it's wings were all crumpled. I explained that as they come out, the fluid in their body gets pushed into the wings which help them expand. As difficult as it looks, you shouldn't help them or they won't be able to fly.

Let me redefine that: As uncomfortable as the butterfly's change appears to be, it's worth it in the end because it becomes a beautiful butterfly. Taking shortcuts will just hurt it in the end. (See the repeating message here?)

So, yes. There it is. Sorry, I have no pictures for you of the butterfly so far as they're on my phone and I can't transfer them off. It just looks like a poor wreck right now anyway. I hope he'll be beautiful tomorrow. (This was the one I was worried about since he had a rough day when he turned into a chrysalis.)

Part of me wants to end this with something wonderfully philosophical but, really, I'm too tired. Good night, Internet!