Pearls of Wisdom:
-Intuition is the supra-logic that cuts out all the routine processes of thought and leaps straight from the problem to the answer. - Robert Graves
-Intuition is truly a feminine quality, but women should not mistake rash conclusions for this gift. - Minna Antrim

What a crazy few weeks I've had. Nothing life-threatening just annoying hindrances to things getting accomplished in a timely manner. Getting things set up for this job has been a chore with filling out papers and faxing/mailing/emailing this, that, or whatever. It all fed into the un-surety that I was feeling before (mentioned in the last entry). I was beginning to feel like that mystical Someone was trying to tell me something and it involved not taking this job. I really was having a hard time with this as my intuition was saying "yes" to the job but the circumstances/signs were saying no. I was so thoroughly confused and strung out that I think I might have made a big mistake last Friday.

One of the things that seemed to go okay was finding an apartment. I narrowed it down to a nice, 1BR. Close to the center of town, about 25 minutes from work. I had arranged with them to move in over the weekend which was a few days before my lease officially started so that I could begin work on Monday. I arrived Friday with a car load of stuff to drop off and plans to move the rest on Saturday. I gave them the signed lease and the deposit/rent check. All was well.

After acquiring the keys, I went upstairs and found my apartment partially painted, a broken light fixture, a sink that wouldn't turn on, piles of dirt in the sliding door track, human hair and dirt all over the bathroom and kitchen floors/counters/tub, and nails and smears on the walls. It had looked like this 2 weeks earlier when I looked at it and the fellow told me it would be cleaned. I went back down and told them there were issues. Upon request, I gave the receptionist the list of these issues and she looked at me like I grew another head. At that point I couldn't tell if she was as shocked as I was at the state of the place or annoyed at my "snobbishness". She said she would speak with the landlord and see what to do.

For the next 2 hours I churned over what I should do. With everything else that had happened with trying to get this job, this was the straw that broke the camels back. I was going to begin my job in 2 days and my new home was trashed. This place had been empty for 2 months and they couldn't find time to finish it? They knew for 2 weeks that I was coming and they couldn't find time to finish it? What will it be like if I have to call and ask for something to be repaired? If I left the place better than I found it, will it make a difference or will he still take my deposit? How much of that mess was I willing to clean to have a place to live? How long till that sink and light are fixed? Will they ever bother to finish the painting? Will they give me a discount to finish it for them? How about a discount for the inconvenience?

Then I stopped back in to talk to the receptionist. The landlord had stepped out to an appointment (this is not his full time job). As I spoke with her, she did get clearly snotty with me. It was obvious that I was inconveniencing her horribly. I went out and got Mom's advice. Debated with myself for a few more minutes, trying hard to listen to my intuition and clearly read the signs that were in front of me. I then went back in and asked for my deposit check back and to tear up my contract.

Yes, I walked away from the apartment, with the job starting in 3 days and nowhere to live.

I am now sitting in a hotel that I've purchased a week at for almost an entire months rent. I am traveling to work and searching desperately for an apartment. My second choice apartment has gone to someone else. Almost everything else I've looked at is crap. I'm not exaggerating either. We're talking dirty, cat-pee-infused, crap. I spoke with a Realtor this evening but there's something horrible uncomfortable about them. I've learned that you form your first impression within 10 seconds of arriving at a business. This person's office was disgusting, smelly, and cluttered. That doesn't bode well for me I think. I'm going to give them a chance because I really don't have much else going.

I am also now having second thoughts about my decision. Was it really as bad as I thought it was? Was I just so torn up about all the goddamn hurdles, hoops and brick walls I ran into over the last few months that I allowed that to influence my decision too much? Have a screwed my only chance at finding a place to live? Should I, as Mom wants me to, go back and apologize and ask for the apartment back? It is still for rent after all. What will I do Sunday when I check out of the hotel? I can't afford another week here. Mom won't like it but I'm leaning towards the "make your bed and lie in it" thing.

Sometimes it'd be nice if God would just sit down with me and say, "Do this, this and this and it'll all be okay." Specifics please? I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.

Oh, and day 2 of work was better than day 1. (I had extreme insomnia and nightmares Sunday night.) Things are pretty much what I think they are here. It'll be interesting to see how I handle it because I don't like living in perpetual stress, though maybe that's what the past few months have been preparing me for. Even so, it gets to you after a while. Some of the advice I've been given by various people have kinda come across as veiled threats. However, I'm thinking it's just because they've had people abuse privileges in the past. I also found out a little insider info on the interview I had earlier this year. Now that I've been there for 2 working days, I think I'm happy that I didn't get the job. I'm also happy with my final ranking in the interviewees. It's hard to fight favorites but I guess I did a pretty good job.

That's it for now. Time for bed. 'Night.
Amy