Pearls of Wisdom:
-Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition - Graham Greene

I was at 7AM Fitness when an interesting, and familiar, sensation came over me. I stepped back because I could feel myself on the verge of hyper-ventilating (we were training with the other class who trains much harder than we do) and, instead of being able to catch my breath, I went into a full blown panic attack. I stepped out of the gym before I started to cry and would make myself embarrassed on top of everything else.

It's been a good 15 minutes now, maybe 20, and my heart rate is still faster than it should be. M breathing is still ragged and hard to catch. I left after a few minutes of walking the track to come back to my room because I need to figure out what triggered this.

It could be a lot of things, really. It could be concerns about work and my feeling of helplessness while I am forced to wait on everyone else to do their part. It could be my frustration with how slow my body is on increasing it's fitness even though I know I've made some progress. It could be that I'm worried about what the rest of my fitness class thinks of me since I am holding them back on relays. (Normally, we don't do relays like that so I know I'm only competing against myself.) It could be that I am worried about whether or not I will be allowed out of my housing contract here at Hocking because if I don't, I will need to schedule at another school and resubmit enrollment verification again. Maybe it's that I'm looking at moving again in about 3 weeks and I don't know how I'm going to pull it off. Yeah, I really could keep going. I've got a lot going on right now.

In the mean time, I knew one thing I could do to calm myself, since walking wasn't helping, was to come a write. Writing is a way for the subconscious and conscious mind to express its frustration and fear so that it can sort itself out. I'm analytical enough that I am watching my body language while I type and as of right now, I can say I had the most "panicky" reaction to my sentence above about work and waiting on others. Second, place is the slowness and fitness sentences. Notice they're are also the first set of sentences in the paragraph. Generally not a coincidence.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that I've been having a LOT of dreams lately about being a park ranger and, unfortunately, my performance as a ranger in those dreams has been lacking. I'm scared to death that I'm going to fail. I don't care how well my boss claims I did last year, there were a lot of things that I honestly believe he was being way too nice about. I know when I'm doing a good job and I know when I'm not. While I did have a fair bit of good last year, there was a lot of things I know I fell short on. I'm afraid that I'll be called out on these self-diagnosed failings this year because, it seems, the spot light is on me. Big Brother is watching so-to-speak.

Anyway, I will need to meditate on this a bit I think. I will also need to go make up the last half hour of class that I missed. This kind of reaction is not acceptable and I need to be able to slow my mind down enough to catch these speedy thoughts that trigger panic attacks. It's a learning process. If I want to be a good ranger/naturalist/interpreter/educator, I need to be able to handle every situation as it arises in a capable manner. People in uniform shouldn't need to step away from their public to have a cry before they can finish their programs. I can do it. I am capable.

Capable Amy