The title of this journal is brought to you by the fact that I (have been told that I ) am somewhat censoring myself. I don't find this far from the truth, even if it is a somewhat unintended thing.
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of issues. Nothing so big. Just trying to get back into being a wife, and still going after my dreams. Realizing that living with someone, being married to someone, isn't a sacrifice of self. It's a choice. And there's nothing that says I still can't do things. Yet, with that general belief, it is always paired with a doubt.
So, if you can't make sense of what I'm saying, it's just because I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about going back on the pill. Not for any sort of real birth control, but because I hate... and I really mean HATE this disorder that I have. My last period was six weeks long. I was off of it for four days, and now it has reappeared. I can already hear people saying, "Why didn't you go to the doctor?" Because. Because I am tired of doctors. I despise poking, prodding, fishing, whatever they do. Why? Because it comes to no end. There is always more. They have no real answer.
Take a pill to deal with the symptom, give up what you want.
Yes, I have fallen (hopefully temporarily) back into the desire of wanting children. I blame my sister in law. :P She had Andrew at the end of June, and I cherished the time I got to spend with him. But I am somewhat irked. Because I feel like I am not really enjoying it as I would like to. There is always an aftertaste. "You can't have one of these."
Or maybe I could, but that would mean more poking, prodding, etc etc, and all to no guarantee.
John and I have discussed adoption. I do believe that is the route we will take. Because I am tired. (Tired of things that break, as ee says :) )
So, for now, I will write my books, take my pictures, plan to go to school, build my business, and take my pills, exercise, try to eat as healthy as possible, take more pills...
I deal with this about once every year. I think it's kinda pathetic. I despise it. But there it is. What's been on my mind. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's just always there in the back of my mind.
You know what? I think I'm gonna ask for smileys because Dallis doesn't have enough to do :P
xxx
Posted by hawkie at August 18, 2003 08:40 AM