so, in effort to update more often, i have returned. i sliced my finger with the scissors last night. working with it today was crap. i'm not going to have an infected cut. and there's a ton of things to infect my cut at work. no bandaids=halfass hawk work.
so why am i having a piss fest? probably because i can.
i mean, there's always something to bitch about, right?
in my defense, i do believe that some of this is related to the fact that i am very tired. manna, has begun to sleep on me every night, and i am a heavy sleeper normally, but i do shift about quite a bit. and I can't shift about with her on me because she won't move off. she'll dig her claws in, and i'll wake up. so every hour or so, i get about insane trying to get the cat to let go of me so that I can put her on the floor, and i can turn over.
other than that, i have no defense. i guess i'm just being bitchy.
you know what i realized today? i am a jealous person. and i hate that. it doesn't matter how, why, whatever, i find that i am often looking at someone elses cookie. why can't i just be happy for other people and their good fortune?
i think that the biggest problem that i have right now is that for some reason, i don't feel secure. security is absolutely key for me. if i feel like 'everythings ok' i am a completely different person. but i don't. i can't explain it. it's like i'm waiting for something to happen that i can't put my finger on. like there's something else out there that is going to bring some sort of change in my life that i can't stop. and i guess that all boils down to control.
and while i'm further pissing in my journal, (since I don't give a fuck anymore) i'd like to say, i am about up to my head (my gesture) with snobs. and i'll define snob for you. someone who looks down their nose at my job. they look down their nose at me for doing the job that i do.
let me give a little perspective about my job, and why i chose it. yes, i make four dollars an hour LESS than I did in columbus. BUT I HATED THAT JOB. I was miserable. I worked it for three years, and a job that I hated two years before it. Five years of feeling unappreciated. of continually getting more work heaped on you, of having your benefits cut, of being given the smallest raise they could possibly manage, five years of miserable stagnation. But hey, I made good money. But my health went down the shitter, and i suffered anxiety attacks and two nervous breakdowns.
now, i have a job where i determine my days off, the time i work, the people LAUGH, they HUG each other. they are happy to see you when you come in, they thank you when you finish a shift, you can hear music while you work, you don't have to sit on your ass all day, they give you incentive for doing extra work, they don't mind if you take a month off to go to another country, you are VALUABLE to them, and they treat you as such.
so, that being said, why should i feel ashamed to tell my father where i work? i did, i felt ashamed. i guess i should put myself right there in the category of snob because i must have felt it was beneath me.
i think i'm falling back into fear.
mostly afraid of failure. i hate being a perfectionist.
and afraid that if people see the way that i think, they'll think, "she's fuckin crazy."
and i'd have to agree. how can you have all this in your head and it not be?
do you ever just have times where you think that you want to fast forward? i just want to fast forward.
on the flip side, ( i can take the good with the bad,)
work gave us non slip shoe covers. rock on. I'm always afraid that i'm gonna crack my head because i fell. i got to work my favorite position today, and i didn't have to make dinner tonight. this means that i have time to do somethings that i've been procrastinating on.
oh, and john got a job. it's not as much as he's work for a class b cdl, but it's a job. and i'm very happy about that. i suspect that after he starts working, i'll feel better. he tried very hard to get a job since he's been down here, but it's not as easy we thought it would be. kinda freaky just how bad the economy is right now.
so, we are waiting for his job to finish checking his driving record, and for all the paperwork to come back. lets hope.
and another cool thing is that it is allmost halloween. i love halloween. i can make some kick ass money from e bay when i sell my costumes and such that i make.
sometimes it is just so hard to be motivated. it does help to just piss all over my journal and then i look at it and i say to myself, "stop being mental linda. sheesh. do something."
oh, and another kick ass thing is that my trip to scotland is going to be tax deductible. as long as i take peictures there and put them up for sale, then i'm set.
and another cool thing going on, is john is going to fix the rust spots on my car so that we can paint it and put the website on the back window, and then hopefully, i'll get some calls, and generate some business.
i knew when i went to europe, that i would be forever going back there, again and again. i think i'll be jumping the big pond as many times as i can.
now, if we could get aol from being a cheap bastard... then i'll be in ecstacy.
love you all, don't mind me. i'm just fuckin nuts sometimes.
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