New Leaves

As the burger flips, cont'd

NARRATOR:
When we last left, everything had gon amuk (amuk! amuk! amuk) ahem. Today, we shall pick up with that same sentiment.
The always punctual (lightning wasn't called for on this set) Hawk arrives at work 1/2 hour early, hoping to 'weez' on the diet coke and 'chill' for a half hour before starting the daily grind.

HAWK: (kisses hubby, leaves car, rings door bell at back door) brrrr. it sure is cold out here. They need to hurry up and get their ass to the door.

NARRATOR: (Cue Simon and Garfunkel) Little does HAWK know, but the sound of silence is all she will hear as she waits in the cold for half an hour. Because....(cue alarming sound dun dun dun) ANOTHER ONE OF HER MANAGERS HAS QUIT WITH OUT NOTICE. That's right vinehumpers, that makes three within the last two months. And to make her morning extra special BLOODY MARY (aka big Area supervisor with a pension for rolling heads) is managing the open of the store. (cue extra alarming sound with a twist of impending doom: dun... duh.. dunnnnnn duhn dud dud dud)

HAWK: (Sees BLOODY MARY'S vehichle) Fuck.

OTHER CO WORKERS: (also waiting in cold) brrrr. Fuck.

BLOODY MARY: (football coach of a loosing team attitude) Ok everyone! Let's get in! It's 7:00. We have an 'open' to perfrom. And today, we are going to do it the right way. HAWK, what is the right way

(zoom in on HAWK as she randomly freaks out, wondering which of the 10 different ways will be the right way today.)

HAWK: umm... errrr. There's packets in the back that we can use...

BLOODY MARY: WRONG!! (Cue the : eee!!! eeee!!! EEE!!! sound) (Addressing as though HAWK is a child) It's not your fault you weren't shown the right way. I'll show you the right way. THIS is the right way. Now go! You have 45 minutes to complete your task. And I don't care if I have everyone set up all fucked up so that you can't get to your station. It only takes 45 minutes and you will do it. OK!?

HAWK: um... are we talking about the realistic plane or the theoretical plane, because I'd really not like to lie when I respond.

BLOODY MARY: Lie to me HAWK. Tell me you will finish this impossible task in 45 minutes. It's the only thing that will get me off your ass this morning.

HAWK: (lies through teeth) I'll have it done in less!

BLOODY MARY: Good. Now, onto my next victim..... T-man...

T-MAN: (under breath) Oh fuck, maybe if I ignore her and run the other way, maybe just maybe she won't pick my ass to ride all morning.

BLOODY MARY: T-MAN! There you are! (as if she'd been looking allll over for him when in fact she singled him out like a wounded elk)

T-MAN: Hail Mary...

BLOODY MARY: Wrong Mary.

T-MAN: I'd try anything at this point.

BLOODY MARY: Guess what WE'RE doing today??? (whips out list that falls to floor... cue the EEEE !!! EEE !!! EEEE!!! music)

OTHER CO WORKERS: (guilty sigh of relief that it's not their ass) Thank God!

NARRATOR: enter the moment when something again falls on HAWK smashing her finger so hard she cant even issue explicatives. The words come to the tongue but never are released. Kind of like vomiting with your mouth shut.

HAWK: (dances around with hand looking more like she has to pee than she hurt herself) mmfff ffmmmffmmmfmmmm gggghhh!!!!!!!!!

NARRATOR: When suddenly, from the back of the store, hearing the potential workers comp claim rend the air, BLOODY MARY appears out of nowhere.

BLOODY MARY: did you cut yourself?.... Did you cut yourself!!????

HAWK: (Still doing the mute-pee-pee dance) mffffffmmmff!! mfffff!!

BLOODY MARY: DID YOU CUT YOURSELF?

HAWK: (shakes head) mmmfff.mmfff...f..fmmf..f..smashed finger..mfff.mmmfff

BLOODY MARY: (Instantly relieved)oh. is that it? Are you done with that impossible job yet?

HAWK: (Employing tactic: get area manager off back, yet again) Almost!

NARRATOR: Later that day, Area manager decides that she is going to be extra brutal, and perform an SOE... which basically means she's going to pick the hell out of the store, and stand over every person for a good 20 minutes while they do their job. There's so much more vinehumpers. There's a snitch.... a spy, an agent of BLOODY MARY'S disguised as the repairman who will make sure the person who graced him with such looks (that's right the area manager is his mama) knows everything. Not one burger is getting flipped by a left handed person today. No siree. All right handed people flip burgers. Everyone knows that.

BLOODY MARY: I heard that we had a left hander on our grill today. Now, we can't do that, the proper way to flip a hamburger can only be executed by a right hand.

CURRENT MANAGER:common sense common sense common sense

BLOODY MARY: now, now... my way is common sense. it is even better than common sense it is passed on to me by the spirit of the founding person... from me to you... only flip this with your right hand. And consequently, they are telling me from the afterlife, that the world is indeed flat.

NARRATOR: even later that day...

MANAGER: I have five people clocking out at four, perhaps I should see that things are ready so that they can leave.... Nahhh. I'd rather b.s with the area manager since she digs me.

NARRATOR: It is four o'clock, there are people who are trying to reach the time clock, but are cut off.

MANAGER: You can not pass....(grills flame up really high, and you will ignore that they are electric grills and not gas grills, as we are going for effect....flames are really high.... on both sides) I am the wielder of the sacred paycheck the enabling force of write ups, you must count your cash or take the risk of being short...

(COWORKERS edge slowly towards time clock)

MANAGER: YOU... SHALL NOT PASSSSSSS!!!

(Some of the coworkers inch back and cower, the others employ a distraction)

COWORKERS: Look! It's Christmas (The code for 'there's a really hot guy or girl, depending on your preference in the drive thru)

(Manager looks, a handful of employees make their breaks. But some are bound to cash registers and fall back like a dog who thinks they have more leash)

MANAGER: (approaches HAWK) ummm

HAWK: (Knows instinctively that they are going to ask her to stay later.) I'm not staying.

MANAGER: (starts to walk away) ok...

HAWK: (Confused and annoyed at being denied entertainment by begging manager) Ok, I'll stay till 5 (settles for brief look of joy/relief on their face)

MANAGER: (Brief look of joy/relief)

NARRATOR: Earlier that day, a co-worker and a person of higher rank, which, if i might add, may or may not be a previously mentioned character :coughmanagercoug: enter the walk in:

DIVA: (Looks for bacon turns around and finds herself alone with the man of her dreams... current dreams.) Oh my.

PERSON OF HIGHER RANK: We are all alone..

DIVA: That, we are (gets closer)So what shall we do?

PERSON OF HIGHER RANK: (pins them ever so carefully against the walk in door) I am sure I can answer that question without a word

DIVA: But, what about your wife?

PERSON OF HIGHER RANK: shhhh. she doesn't exist here. it is only us. us and the thawing french fries... Sieze the moment Diva! Let me whisk you away from your baby's daddy... ( passionately kisses (their version of passionate as you will find out later) her)

DIVA: woo hoo!

(Later)

HAWK: (Doing her job) hodee hodee hodee humm

J-MAN: HAWK, I like being spanked. I'll do your dishes if you boss me around.
and I'm wearing a kilt for halloween, i've only mentioned a few times to you before because what I really want you to know is that you are probably gonna get flashed the family jewels since I'm also an exhibitionist.

HAWK: ( 0-0 ) umm. that's nice. I'm going to be over here. (thinks) Actually... DO MY FUCKIN DISHES BITCH! (spanks with spoon, then enhances calm.)... now, i'm going to go over there.

DIVA: HAWK, I got kissed again, I got kissed again!

HAWK: Playing with fire and eventually you will burn your fingers.

DIVA: oh, I know what I'm doing?

HAWK: Riiiiight, you turn 18 when?

DIVA: One week!

HAWK: ok... so rate it. 1-10

DIVA: 6

HAWK: ( Who is used to having curled toes) 6? (crinkles nose.)

DIVA: (Crinkles nose back) I know... maybe that's a sign.

HAWK: Yeah, do not pass go. do not collect.

DIVA: But still, I have a crush!

HAWK: oi. Look. I'm gonna be over here performing the job of three people. You keep that over there. okee?

DIVA: Okee.

NARRATOR: Allrighty then, that wraps it up for todays episode of 'As the burger flips.' We still have a few things up in the air. Will they ever find the fire extinguishers? Will BLOODY MARY leave before another head rolls? What did HAWK do when she went home?

(she edited four pages out of her book. go her)

Posted by hawkie at October 30, 2003 01:26 AM