I have seen Troy.
Click on "MORE" if you wish to read. There are spoilers in my review.
ciao.
I suggest you not read further if you want a glowing review.
What the mother fuck.
How the hell can you go wrong?
How?
Allow me to disect...
Is all that really neccessary?
Woman wailing in backround the whole time. That means the soundtrack was horrid for 95% of the time.
Muddy
The war scenes looked a lot like people just randomly hacking each other because you really couldn't tell the sides apart in battle. It was muddy. Muddy is the best way to describe this sea of shiny and dull clashings.
Shaddup about the Virgin already
I will say that there is one particularly good scene with Brad Pitt and Apollo's temple virgin Perseus (pronounced Per SAY us) However interestingly erotic, its really annoying to hear your signifigant other blather on afterwards about 'the virgin this, the virgin scene that' bleah. Yes, thank you mr white male america for reinforcing the current social obsession with purity. It wasn't Apollo and Perseus... it was THE VIRGIN, if I were to go back and see the credits, I half expect to see 'the virgin' as a listed character.
Gods... Goddesses... Hello?
My major rant.
WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKIN MOTHERFUCKER??? NO GODS NO GODDESSES. AS IF. WHO WAS SMOKING CRACK? I'M TALKING APHRODITE, APOLLO, ZEUS, POSEIDON. ONE CAJUN SPICE ENEMA SERVED RIGHT UP FOR MR SCREENPLAYWRITER. IT CHAFFS ME. IT CHAFFS ME BADLY.
We've already established that I'm a shallow, shallow woman
While hot bodies and hotties of both sexes abound, and i must say i got a hankering to do laundry... there were that many washboards. i was amused, and not amused at the careful placings of objects, and women to keep from showing groinage. let me tell you ladies. a smidgen lower. a smidgen of a smidgen lower, and there would have been gold in them there hills. but alas.
Butt alas!
*snorts at her own writing*
since we've established that i'm shallow, i'd like to establish that i'm also greedy. please sir, may i have some more?
achilles
beautiful. not in a gorgeous sort of way, even though he is gorgeous, this was beautiful style, beautiful acting, and absolutely wonderful dedication.
paris
everyone who knows me knows that i think Orlando Bloom is probably one of the most beautiful men on this planet. as a photographer, i wanted to kick the person who decided on the angles. this is a talented man with features that are impeccable.... WHAT THE FUCK MADE YOU DECIDE TO SHOOT HIM FROM SO MANY UNFLATTERRING ANGLES. It shouldn't be possible.
Helen
Intriguiging. I thought beautiful enough and exotic enough.
I am inclined to think that it was bad writing for her part, and not lack of talent.
Thirty minutes
I wanted to lose myself in the film. But found that it was near impossible. About thirty minutes of it allowed me to do so, but the rest of it. not really.
Story line
the end of it says, "inspired by Homer's Illiad". I think that it should say 'loosely inspired by Homer's Illiad." soooooooooo glad that i did not brush up on my Illiad before seeing this movie, i would have seethed.
I give this film 2 out of five Avocados
All in all, it was as I expected. Shadows trying to tell stories of warriors bigger than the big screen.