I have been thinking about "How things went down with John," One of the things that he used to say to me after being verbally abusive is, "It's the way that I was raised. You know what type of childhood I had." I started to realize that "This menas he isn't ever going to talk to me nicely, or argue fairly." I used to cry to my friends about it. I even estranged myself because I had friends who couldn't handle seeing me cry all the time, and seeing me STAY in that abusive situation. I hated him using his childhood as an excuse to act poorly. What it really meant is , "I am in no position to be in a relationship because I have not learned basic human skills."
I am reading "The Mastery of Love" And it gives an explanation of things in a way that I never heard phrased. If you are interested in this book, I would recommend reading "The Four Agreements," first. Two books that I am currently involved in, and that are making me reflect on the way that I act, and the things that I have done. The way that I talk about people, and the way that I judge people (sometimes, we are all guilty of this, I think.)
I have no desire to start up a conversation with John. I think about "What went wrong" Because I know I had a hand in it. I do wish for him to know that I think he would be best served getting counselling. Using your childhood as an excuse only works for a small time. Using your childhood as an excuse is to say to that someone special, " You are stupid to stay with me because I have told you that I know the difference between right and wrong, and I choose to continue with wrong actions, even though I know that these actions hurt you."
I remember distinctly yelling at John that he was 30 years old, had been out of the house for 10 years... exactly when was he going to stop punishing me for what had happened in his childhood?
The difference between now and then is that you have a choice now. You can choose to do better. You can choose to get counselling, make friends, and stop talking about all the shit that went wrong. You can choose to make healthy choices instead of destructive choices.
If you want self esteem, do esteemable acts(that's from Pat, btw).
If you want to feel better about yourself, nothing works better than accomplishment.
Make a goal, accomplish it.
Stay out of relationships until you can make peace with your childhood and forgive the past for waht it was. Otherwise, you become the abuser.
But he'll never hear any of this.
My childhood was not cake. Big deal. Everyone has had it rough in their own way. Not neccessarily more than someone else, just different. The big clue to having healthy friendships and relationships is not to burden them with your burden. Stop talking about your childhood, and your shit past , and start finding something new, some common ground to talk about.
Anyhow, "The Four Agreements," and "The Mastery of Love" Are two books that I intend to read and re read until I can practice these principles.
I find myself unexpectedly in love, and not willing to practice the same things that helped my marriage fail. Have I mentioned that I think that a man admitting that he goes to counselling and goes regularly is sexy?
I have determined that whenever people ask me about my marriage, I will not give them any more information than, "We just weren't compatible." and if they pry, because people like to pry... it makes them feel closer to you... again, something I'm guilty of.... fishing for info.... if they pry, I will say, "I am sorry I don't really want to discuss it, I find the less I talk about it, the less I remember, and I'd rather not hash up old stuff."
So with all that in mind.... lets see if I can see Glema/Mother next week and apply this. It's not easy, but I definately plan on practicing what I preach.
Ok, I'm off to make fudge.
Posted by hawkie at December 16, 2004 11:35 AM