New Leaves

"Not So Much I Couldn't Taste it..."

"Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it. Life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement." Kite, by U2

My Grandpa Bill passed yesterday. I was not close to him, but I care. I am disappointed that I am unable to get to the funeral and be with my family. Family is family, close or not close, these are times to be together.

As expected, I can not stop my inner dialogue. Death always brings me back to Janet and how much I miss her. Sometimes the intensity of one funeral numbs you for all others. But mostly, I start to question the living.

Myself. As if I needed to be any more self critical. Every since I 'woke up' (That's the term that I have come to use that nutshells all the changes in the past 4 years) I have experienced a fear that I would die just as I started living, and I have been after my own hide to finish projects and get somewhere in life.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any premonitions about the end of my own life. It's just that it was never so precious before, and now that I actually see it, I want to live it, and I feel like I've lost time. At least I'm past the anger stage.

To suddenly wake up and realize that 17 years of your life was spent in a hormone induced psyhological haze all the time trapped in a body that you despised but did not know how to change... is not something you just say, 'Oh well, at least it's good now.'

As most people know, I'm not happy without a ton of things to do, and working on some sort of self improvement project.

I couldn't sleep last night, and I requested bereavement time from work. It's my right. I can't count the times that I've been in that store past my scheduled time/ on my days off, etc. I feel absolutely no guilt. Ok, just a wee bit, but it's fading quickly. I have tomorrow off as well.

But I forced myself to do nothing but be leisurely today. Take time and think, and learn and move forward. Try to remember Grandpa Bill, his kindness and grace.

Tomorrow will be action. Accomplishment. I have been starting to reassemble my wedding photography business. After no weddings for a few years, I will have done 3 this spring/summer. I do not wish to be so stuck in a job that I can not be with my family if I am needed. That I can not visit my friends as I wish, that all I want to do is sleep. This isn't living, and it is hardly what I 'woke up' to do. Not to mention that U2 has never gone on tour without me knowing about it, and to find that it's all sold out, everywhere. Grrrr.

I became vegan almost 2 years ago. I did it as a last ditch effort. It worked. Then I started working out. That helped. I have been rethinking veganism for the past six months, and I have decided to stay with it, but to go healthier, less oils, more vitamins and herbal supplements, a little more regular exercise. Maybe a new vibrator... just kidding, just seeing if you actually were reading this far.

And a little lighter talk to end the entry:

I went to Wild Oats today, and praise be!!!! Spring Creek Tofu is back after being gone so long that I gave up on it. All other tofus are caca comparitively.

I am currently addicted to Arizona Green tea with ginseng. I have decided to try and make my own green tea/ginseng concoction because it's getting expensive. But seriously, it's great. It's refreshing, and it does give me a little extra energy, and unexpectedly, I'm not sure why, but it's somewhat of an appetite suppresant. hmmmmmmmmm

Posted by hawkie at July 22, 2005 01:38 AM