New Leaves

It's absolutely pouring outside. The way that it's pouring, I doubt that it will be clear enough for me to walk tomorrow morning in the park. I don't really want to go to the gym because it's too sterile for me. There's no outdoors to it, and staring at the liquor store across the parking lot so that I can at least enjoy the idea of sunlight isn't doing it for me.

I've been enjoying a particular clump of five trees. I haven't tried to identify their type, but they are all the same, and they are so tall and have arranged themselves in a half circle. I find I am willing to bear the strange looks from everyone as I go to each one and place my head against them. Only briefly, now because I dared to linger earlier this week, and found myself covered with huge ants. By covered, I mean 2 or three. But they were huge. I am not a lover of insects. Yet, I accept their existance, and try not to harm them, etc etc.

I went to take a picture of them today with my digital camera, and my frickin batteries went out.

I am going to try to set up my dr's appt for Fri morning. I am nervous as to what they may say is wrong with my back. There's no denying the lump or the puffiness next to it.

I've been a bit stressed lately. I can barely balance regular life and my 50+hours a wk job. Much less, all the changes on the horizon. That's why I started walking. I remember last year when I was living with my x for the summer, just as roomates, how stressed I was, and how much I loved my walks. How much I got out of them. Whenever any sort of funk settles upon me, after my initial reaction of trying to cope, finding myself freaking out, no matter what type of calming music or thoughts I try... I eventually walk. Then everything seems to fall into place.... somewhat. I also try to do something progressive each day.

Sitting around thinking 'AAHHHHHH.... Kids!..... AHHHHH moving in with a man!...... AHHHHHHH moving! AHHHHHHH quitting job with nothing really lined up???!!! AAAAAHHHH finding a place to move into!!!! AHHHHHHH! Holidays are so soon, and it looks like that's when I'm likely to meet his family..... AHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHH!' It just doesn't help. So, I don't think that I was really to much into a funk per se, as much I would call it being overwhelmed.

I was having a hard time finding the 'looking forward to this' feeling when I know that's what I should be feeling. And that I thought was wrong. I know I love this man, I know I want to live with him, and I know that we'll be as happy as we know how to be, and that time and patience, perhaps the kids' will come along to be happy too. So I had to think of the things that I'm moving for, the things we will be doing, and the new experiences ahead. Then I started getting excited.

Mike and I are talking about doing a hobby together. We've both agreed that our art is our individual art, and that groupings are possible, but not neccessarily plentivul for the future. We like our self expression. But we also agreed that one of the problems that each of us had in the past is lack of common ground, and living different lives under the same roof. The idea is to have a hobby together. We came up with a couple: Wine/Mead making and gardening. Something we are both interested in, and that we can enjoy results together.

I started to think of us makig our own house full of furniture. That really excites me. I've had a bug up my ass for about 3 years to make some furniture. And any man that asks me what I think about taking some ideas from the set designs from LOTR gets major points. Just maybe I will get my double Rohan doors to my bedroom...

hubba hubba.

Ok, it's 3:25 am. I've just gotten in from work, and what was supposed to be a short entry... got kinda windy.

ah well.
x

Posted by hawkie at September 29, 2005 03:27 AM