The weather is changing... obviously. I looked out the drive thru window a few weeks ago and thought, "What the fuck is all over my parking lot?" Leaves. Scattered everywhere. I don't do so well at holding my body heat in anymore. So, cold ass means... winter is nigh. It's a sign of nature.
The cold feet have to do with moving. I'm starting to freak out a bit. I am excited, but apprehensive. I misunderstood Mike, he misjudged the dates, there was a clear moment of 'Oh my God. What am I doing?' This doesn't bode well for remarriage. On my part. All it takes is a bump and I go into self protect mode. The great and wonderful thing is that we talk. We actually communicate. I don't think we've had any arguments (which I've been waiting for). We've stood on opposing viewpoints numerous times, but we respect each other's opinions. There have been conversations about, "I am not happy with something." But always a healthy, positive conversation.
You know, I'm done blaming John. I'm done accepting my part in the failure of my marriage. I'm in the middle-to-tail end of sorting through forgiveness. I am still grieving the loss of his family to me (Partly why I'm not done with the forgiveness. The fact that he's alienated me from his family really upsets me.) I fight writing him an e-mail. I don't know if I just miss arguing with him. I tell myself. The message would fall on deaf ears, and it would do no good. Let it go.
As soon as I get settled in Dayton, I'm going to therapy. Last month, I was just fine. (Aren't we always?) Then when everything is coming down to the wire, and I should be blissful (and I am in a moodswing sort of way... gotta love Aunt Flo) I start needless over analyzation.
The real problem is jumping.
I'll be jumping on Halloween. Or the day after.
In other news, I only have 2 days of work left. Tonight and tomorrow. I'm actually saddened. I can feel the relief coming, but I feel sad because I've busted my ass to get here, and I feel like I'm giving it up because I don't believe in the system anymore. If my job actually matched my job description, I would love my job. But it's the chaotic element of it that just puts me in that, "Oh well, It's management. That's the breaks. More money, more headache.
I really do miss being an employee.
Last night Mike asked me, "So, when do you want to put cable in?"
I replied, similarly, "So, when do you want to put internet in?"
This is a funny conversation by two people who don't even own a bed. And we aren't kids anymore. Air mattress is extremely temporary. Between my back, and his, his sleeping problem. My multitude of sleeping problems... We can't just go get a mattress anywheres.
But, priorities are priorities, and you have to have them.
Speaking of internetability... After monday, updates may be sparse. But again, they already are.
Ok, gotta go for my walk. Maybe if I walk a whole lot, and then work a 10 hour shift until 2 a.m. I'll come home and sleep soundly. Maybe.
Posted by hawkie at October 26, 2005 08:18 AMheee! The bed thing is exactly what my Mike and I are dealing with. Somehow we've been finding other things to save up for instead of a bed. I think at one point I had 200bucks saved up but that quickly went away to paying for stuff we needed now....cat food, birthday presents (doesn't it seem everyone's birthdays are all at once?), fixing broken things.... We're on a futon cushion on the floor. Tried the actual bed bed fution and it gave us both back problems so we just sleep on the floor.
Just think... once the new bed comes around for both of us...it'll be beeyouuuteeful!
xoxoxoP
I once heard this wonderful saying:
Jump and the net will appear
Do you not hold body heat because y0u are slim now? That is a good reason to be cold!
hugs
Posted by psyche at October 28, 2005 09:57 AM