New Leaves

Triggers

If you don't know, triggers are things that happen in your life that can set off a response in you. One that is conditioned. A reaction so quick to deal with things that are happening, a protection of sorts.

Want to trigger me? Fuck with my money. Want to really trigger me? Fuck with my money and disorient me in the same day.

I grow so tired of deprogramming the junk that I've built up as defense mechanisms. Yet, In some way I thrive on it. Nothing like a crisis to set me in motion.

I believe that because I spent so many years living paycheck to paycheck, in high anxiety, that anytime financially strenuous comes my way, I have a fear of ending up poor and alone. My ex didn't want to keep a job... I had so much anxiety at home that any catalyst from work just tipped my scales. I've gone from job to job to job to job. Even now, when I know that things are going to be okay, that Mike isn't just going to call off because he's mad at the world, he isn't going to jeopardize our living situation as a vindictive maneuver, and that he want's what's best for us, I am still triggered by monetary obstacles. And it's not as easy as saying, well, Mike isn't John.

Well, Now, I am trying to settle down. I am realizing something that I didn't realize before. Oddly enough, I am finding that everything is boiling down to equations.

If I want security, I must first find independence.

If I want to look a certain way, I have to exercise a certain amount, and eat a certain way.

A+B=C

So, I look again to a career. I do not wish to return to restaurant management. I am weighing some alternatives. I will be making a decision shortly, but it's time to put my house and myself in order first. I've given myself until the end of summer to get my stuff together so that I can properly focus on a goal... whatever that goal is:

Photographer?
Manager?
Possible respiratory therapist?
Physical therapist?
Pharmacist?
Counselor?

Anything that I want to do is going to require some schooling. I think that I may be able to get a few grants or some sort of aide. But those are a few of the options I'm considering.

Today was a rough day. I got lost... which I should be used to by now. Dayton is the worst place for landmarks. Every damn street looks the same.. and nothing really dominates the skyline in any way to get bearings. If I have errands... I know I'm getting lost and I can manage getting lost one time in one day, but twice in one day when you are trying to run some errands before you start your new job.... It's hard to keep that positive attitude going. Such is life.

I don't know why, but I am having such a time of things lately. Things are getting better, and there is hope on the horizon. I have a wonderful man who is enough to bring me to tears to think about sometimes.

I've started running again... well elliptical machine running. And I mean full tilt kick ass- burn some calories- get out some of the negativity- get euphoric with runner's glory.... and just keep going. I usually run myself sleepy. I forgot how ravenous you become after running. I've had to beef up... ehmmm... tofu up my breakfast in order to cover the 300- 600 calorie burn. Gotta love those digital counters. I find that if I don't have a snack and some extra water waiting for me when I get to the car, and wait until I get home, I can and will eat everything in sight, just as long as it's not attatched.... or plugged in.

I have been doing 1.5 hours of housework M-F in an attempt of finishing organization and maintenance of the home. I've finally hit that point where I am starting to look for stuff to do to fill the time. Dusty can vouch for me... My front room looks like I've just moved in.

All in all, though I know things are hard right now, I know that they are getting better, and that I am starting to see things a little more clearly.

You can lead a horse to water....

Posted by hawkie at May 11, 2006 10:52 PM