New Leaves

I'm losing my mind... everything's fine.

I took the day off from work.

Nothing is really wrong... or any different than it was before. I just see some problems that I have to face. I've seen them for a really long time. You know, you can blame your ex for something, and believe it. Then you can look at your life after your ex and watch things reoccur, and say fuck. I'm part responsible for that. Omg, history is going to repeat itself if I don't get help.

People are thinking that I'm depressed lately. I'm not depressed. I'm scared.
That's the truth of it. I'm scared in the sort of way that needs help, and I can't avoid it any longer.

Did you know that I am literally afraid to pay my bills because I have lived from check to check for so long, that I am afraid that something is going to happen the next day that would have taken priority over what I've already paid.
Seriously, getting all the bills in the mail, and actually sitting down with them and seeing what needs paid sends me into a panic. I start shaking. My heart starts racing.

Let's not even talk about tax time. I'm a wreck when it comes to this, and I know it.

The sucky thing is that I can intellectualize it. Everyone has bills. You work, you pay bills, and shit happens to everyone. Nothing out of the norm. Everything is going to be fine....

Dammit. First of the month... all bills due... enter anxiety.

I'm getting my resume and crap together so that I can apply to jobs around the area in hopes of getting a higher paying job. That will help in some ways. Mostly, I'm just tired of living this way. I'm getting overtime to cover the time I missed today. I'll be starting to get regular OT to help catch up, and save.

It's always something.... car.... household expense... fucking camera red light ticket... gas prices rising....

I am so sick of living in fear. I will work 2 jobs if I have to in order to get ahead, and get rid of some of the other factors that are contributing to my financial anxiety. This has to stop.

Gah.