New Leaves

You know, I do enjoy being female. As much as I may bitch about PMS, or AF... I have to say that I enjoy that 'high mood swing'. You know the one when you turn around after 3 hours and realize that your whole house is clean and you are holding a scrub brush in one of your rubber gloved hands, and a squirt bottle of disinfectant in the other, sweating and daring a fleck of dest to fall.

After a 24 hour visit from the intestinal virus faerie, I am doing much better. Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day. I was too weak from lack of hydration, food intake, and just the general soreness from wretching. Nothing feels as good as a cold tile bathroom floor when you feel like you are going to pass out. Even though I was ready to pass out complete with ringing in my ears... I still looked at the bathroom floor and thought... boy it needs cleaned.

I have debated my future career, and I know that it seems that I've been wishy washy. The goal is to end up as photographer. But I realize that I need something a little more stable and solid, a safety net. I believe that I will be enrolling in RN school as soon as I can find out the info for it. (When I return from my vacation)

I have, as it seems, a five year plan.

Follow along if you wish.

Year 1
RN school, work full time

Year 2
RN school, work full time

I will try to get whatever financial aide/ govt assistance I can get that could possibly supplement my income so that I can possibly work PT and focus on my grades. My goal is to get straight A's. That's really scarey considering that science and math were never my strong points in school. But I think that I have a better attitude than when I was a student before.

The decision on RN is that I know that LPN is a crap job, it's quicker to get into, sure it's more money than the next, but comparitively, LPN is a harder job with less pay than RN, for just 1 more year of schooling. Not to mention that RN's make a decent amount of money. The job has openings across the country. I could move anywhere, and be comfortable that I would have something to fall back on.)

Year 3

Work as RN
Pay off RN school (If I can't find a sponsor, sometimes places will actually pay for your schooling if you will sign a contract with them, I'd be willing to do so, depending on the years of the contract.)
Enroll in Photography school

Year 4
Attend photography school, work full time
(Again, try to get straight A's. Learn as much as I can. I know my talent and heart are in photography. )

Year 5
Work full time as RN to pay off photography school, unless of course, by some strange chance I land a Photography job that can make more than being an RN.
Build back up my wedding photography business

Hopefully, by Year 6, I should only have to work out of the home, only my photography/ Art business. We can begin investing more and saving more towards an early retirement.

Look out Winnebego.

Of course all of the above is ideal. It's not impossible, but I really just can't accept making the kind of crap money that I am making for the rest of my life, and think that I'm going to be able to hold my own. The days of one income families are over (unless you are incredibly frugal, and or lucky/ wealthy) The days of two mediocre income families are coming to an end. (That's only just making ends meet) I hate to say it, but I really believe that it's only going to cost more and more to live. Look at gas prices. My salary did not increase equivalent to gas prices. I don't know if anyone else is driving a lot less because of gas prices, but I sure do.

Anyhow. I don't mean this to be doom and gloom. I am actually doing better than I was a week or two ago. It's been a tough couple of years. The sort of shit that I've been through in these past years is bound to leave a wake of some sort.

I think what it is, is that I am finally settling in. I can breathe a little easier. Surviving is admirable at times, but it's no way to live. I have a little time that I can actually digest some of the things that have happened and think, "Give yourself a little credit, that was some fucked up shit. No, it isn't fair. You could have died. You were sick. It's over now. It's time to move forward. The more you move forward, the further you leave it behind."

That's my goal. To move so far forward, that I can only look back at the last 15 years and say, "Man, that was a crazy time."

Often, I wonder if people read this and think, "She's off her fucking rocker."
Maybe I am. But I'm honest. I'm to the point. I'm still working it out. One day, I hope that things can be truly peaches and cream. One of the perks to being an RN is the fantastic (usually) health care package you get. That means I'll be able to get counselling too.

All that being said, I'd like to add that I really dislike having dreams about my ex. I don't know what that's all about. But for some reason, he's been in my dreams lately. Nothing menacing. Just out of place. And I know in my dreams that he's out of place. He doesn't fit in my life anymore.

Anyhow, I'm back to riding that mood swing high. The bathroom needs scrubbing.

Posted by hawkie at June 19, 2006 12:32 AM