New Leaves

I can't sleep. Go figure. That's a
suprise... right? I'm suprising myself.
I am doing better than I have in the past.
I can truly see how I've changed over the
last 5 years.

I am not blaming myself. But I am
accepting the responsibility for my part of
why I ended up here. I can not expect that
I will have any sort of healthy, meaningful
relationship unless I take care of my issues.
First thing I did was break a commitment to
myself. I got into a relationship after having
said that I would take a year before being
in a relationship.

Part of the problem is, that Mike and I have
a lot of the same issues.

While I'm devastated. I'm not 'losing it.'
And that's very good.

Debating my decision to move to VA.

I am thinking that it 'sounds good'
and there would be some great benefits.
But, I have issues being 'Daddy's Girl'.

I don't like relocating to new places. The
concept of trying to learn a whole new
city all over. Not to mention, my father
lives an hour outside of the city.

That means an hour commute to work
and to school. And I won't be able to
afford the gas. And I'm not going back
to Wendy's management. I am not
going back to fast food if I can help it.

I finally got a notification, not too long ago
from FedEx about applying there. I am
hoping that if I can go apply there, that
they will take me. I know that they are
in a hiring freeze right now, but I know that
they hire more people right before the
holidays.

I can always go through the temp agencies.

And I think that it might only make it
worse, if I am trying to 'find my
authentic self' going back to dad. I think
I may revert back to trying to please him
with my life instead of trying to make sure
that I am following my own path.

My dad and I will talk when I go to VA.

I also got to thinking about how it
sounds like/ feels like, I might be
running away.

I have family up here, I have friends up
here. I really do love Columbus.
My brother just told me this past week
that I am going to be an Aunt again.

I know I have to think of myself, but I
don't neccessarily think it's a great idea
to put myself in a place where I don't know
anyone but my Dad.

I think I may just move back in with
Lady for a while. I'll have a talk with her.
She's in a much better place than she
was before. If we can have a healthy
conversation about how things are, and
what we would both like/need, then I will
accept her offer to move back in.

Right now, I could use someone to hug
me while I bawled my fucking eyes out.
I am going on vacation tomorrow, I am
not prepared. I am hoping to just go and
try to get away from everything.

Damn.