New Leaves

Drop damn shoe

If you can't figure it out. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Just let me
get out of here already. I've been sent home early from work several
days last week... I gladly went. I've been packing a little here and there
and procrastinating, a little bit more that I'd like. The check is supposed
to be here next week... the week after should be the latest.

Torture.
This
is
torture.

Mike and I nearly got into an argument today. Believe it or not, we
never got into an argument. One of the reasons that I think that we
didn't make it.

I've been real snippy lately. I've been making jokes, but really it
was more like jabs. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself. I
want to hurt him like he hurt me. But this is not how I want to be.
Really, I believe the hurt will come much later when he realizes
that this was a big mistake.

Last night, I got to talk to K for several hours on the front porch.
That's been coming. I feel better. I wanted to get things out in
the open, and wanted to feel better about the situation. She
shed a little light on the situation. Oh, it hurt. I went to bed
crying.

Mike woke up this morning and said he had a nightmare that
K and I talked for hours on the front porch.... that set my mood
for the day, and boom, we were into the , "well you disappointed
me." and "Once again, I'm the bad guy."

Lovely little blame game. Follows everywhere. I sometimes
wish that I didn't have a desire to have children, or a desire to
share something real and meaningful with someone else that's
willing to communicate, compromise, be affectionate, and wants
at least one kid that isn't on the planet yet.

Alas.

We have new neighbors. The lovely people have a pit bull, which
we get to here howl because (we believe) that they keep it locked
up in the basement.

I talked to my mother today. For almost an hour..... it's strange
to be able to forgive her for being human... it's like there's another
door there to a relationship with her that I've always wanted.

I'm still working out of my math and Spanish books. My eyes
are crossing.

Mike and I went to the Celtic Festival today. It was nice, but it
was torture. Before, we'd walk everywhere holding hands
and being one of those sickening couples. Now... *sigh*

My goal for tomorrow is to bring the stuff up from the basement
into the front room. ( I am putting everything in the front room
so that it's a quick and easy moving process.) Really, my goal is
to get everything in the front room except for the kitchen stuff.
Then, each day to pack a small box of kitchen stuff.... there's a
good amount of gadretry there.

He seems to have changed his mind from his original statement
of not wanting to be friends. Now it's, "What I meant is that
we would have to wait a while before we could be friends."
I think, really, out of sight, out of mind, he'll have all that money
which will be a lovely distraction to his ending relationship...
but it's not about money.... whatever.

After all the packing, I'm going to the gym, and I am going to
work out until I barely have the strength to drive home... then,
I'm going to take a shower, take as long of a nap as I frickin feel
like, and then... I may just take a long bath.

Sometimes I wish that I was into casual trysts... I might be in a
better mood. :P

Posted by hawkie at July 30, 2006 01:35 AM