I've had one moment of sheer panic since I've returned home. It was when I went to my sister's house earlier this week, and I left my beret at home. I thought I had it on. I *always* wear it now, and I thought that I'd lost it.
My sister kept saying, " You didn't have it on when you got here."
But it was at home.
Today, I went to the grocery store, and everyone's just sorta looking at my beret, and I'm like, "What?"
My beret rocks. Don't knock it.
I have not seen Duane the last couple times I've gone to the grocery store, that is why this journal is not full of over analyzing supermarket entries.
I aked about him today. They did not say that he was gone. They just said that he wasn't there today.
I've been listeningto a variety of things, but ultimately the Coldplay CD found it's way back to my computer.
Silas has just jumped up in my lap and he's just a sweet furball. But he's sixteen pounds and hard to type around.
So for the first time in many years, I'm just gonna stay home for New Years. I'm gonna chill out, I've got a bottle of wine, like the one Pipsie and I had at the Cambridge... and... fried chicken.
Because I can't be completely cultured. It's just one of my quirks. Whenever somebody says something like, "Oh that's good with red meat or pasta." I just snicker because I'll nod and take it home and it will accompany fried chicken. Sometimes I'll slice peaches to go with it. But I wasn't in that mood today.
I hope that you all are warm and safe, that you have a wonderful New Years Eve.
I love you.
me
singing please, please, come back and sing to me, to me, me come on and sing it out, now. now. now.
Today is looking up. I did not have to take cough medicine yesterday at all. Which meant that it was tolerable and getting better.
John, however. Has my cold. So he's miserable. I made him his own pumpkin pie on Christmas day and saved it for him. Last night, I came back from Dayton, and it was gone. I told you that pie was good.
Dayton's trip yesterday, was a decent one. I had a really great time, for the most part. Dusty and I always manage to have good conversation and a good time.
There was only a couple points that I didn't care for. But, I think I did allright. I really dislike when people have to dominate a conversation so it kinda turns into, "oh yeah, uh huh, yeah..."
and then,
Don't fuck with my movie.
Seriously. I can appreciate constructive criticism. But I loved TTT. It was good the first time, it gets better each time I see it.
Don't knock the special effects. "Worms with wings" is not how you will describe the flying nazgul. After a bit of that talk, I finally said, "I love it so much that if you could put ketchup on it, I'd eat it."
Moving on,
The neighbor came back for her cats, she's moving out of the apartment and was happy to have them back. I wish I didn't have to give them to her, as I fear for their safety, but they aren't my cats.
So, I'm gonna go take my walk, then I'm gonna go to the grocery store, then I'm gonna apply at some temporary agencies.
love you all
me
I really believe that there are purposes and reasons that go beyond the human comprehension.
Am I going to talk about God? or god or gods?
No, not even religion.
But, People. Relationships.
I just think that there aren't any coincidences. Things happen for a reason.
Bad things, good things.
There's a reason.
Every one of you have served a purpose in my life, and gained a place in my heart.
That being said, Let's talk about Taylor.
Taylor just called me. And as always it's like there was never any distance or time that separated us.
Taylor is an old friend. I've felt like I've always known him. He and I always meet up.
When he and I met for the first time about four or five years ago, we just looked at each other.
You know the, " I know you, but I can't place you". This sparked a conversation where we went through our whole lives trying to place each other, and where we knew each other. Seems like we were never in the same place at the same time, we just kept barely missing each other.
We aren't meant to be a couple. It would be too weird. I think we had one chance at that. Big mistake by me denying it. I did worse than deny it, I ignored it.
"You're in love with Taylor"
"No, I'm not."
yes. i was.
lunch every day in the grass on my sheet. (I have a sheet in my trunk that I use for outings. I used to spend my summer lunch breaks outside on the lawn with my sheet and a book.) And I used to think his girlfriend was cuckoo for being jealous of Taylor and I. After all, I would never leave John...
Doah.
So he calls me today. "I was thinking of you and it just got to the point where I had to call you, or I wasn't going to get any work done."
And he informs me of the birth of his new daughter, wants me to take pictures.
I inform him of my impending divorce.
We've done this so many times before. The two of us will never resolve this. The fact that we do love each other. We've had the conversation about how we missed it. How it would have been nice, how we should have known.
Today's conversation, It's a quick conversation. He's at work. So, I'll be sure to call him later, and have the long conversation. He lets me know that he's disappointed that we can't seem to keep in touch. That we always seem to be on the periphery of each other's thoughts and lives but never in the center.
We are destined to always miss each other and always wonder what might have been if we would have only acknowleged what it was we had, and taken that step.
But It's just one of those things I suppose.
I don't really believe in regret. It's not productive.
I know one thing for certain. I won't have another regret like this one.
One day I'll think of Taylor, to the point where I can't concentrate on anything else. I'll call him and I have no doubt in my mind, that we will have missed each other yet again.
yeah.
well, one moment of weakness isn't the end of the world.
::thumps head::
yeah, i broke the no "contact" with john.
::rolls eyes::
moving on.
today, i am going to dayton and i'll be seeing TTT with some other LOTR enthusiasts.
very excited.
maybe i'll have something better to say when i get back
love you
me
Today is an opera and stuff day.
What I mean by that is:
I listen to Luciano, and do stuff. You know, all those miscellaneous things that seem to add up.
I'm not much in the mood for journalling today. Probably something to do with the fact that John comes home today.
It becomes increasingly obvious that any time that I spend with John, is time that I spend not really able to be myself. We do what he wants most of the time. Go where he wants to go. He's just as miserable as I. I know he doesn't want to come home to this either.
At least now that we know where this is going, the arguing has stopped. For the most part. Every now and then we still get into it.
I had a very good discussion with Pipsie yesterday about a variety of things. But the point that was prevalent in our conversation was about how responsibility is a hard thing to accept. In other words accepting responsibility for where you are, who you are, what you do, your good habits, your bad habits. All are just a reflection of a choice that was made. There is just so very little that "happens to you", that isn't a direct result of a choice that you made.
Obviously, the hardest part of accepting would be when you find yourself stuck in a place you don't belong, in a relationship that you can't even stand, acting like a person that isn't you, ultimately it's your doing.
Either you keep your comfort zone and sacrifice your self (a recipe for misery and resentment), or you break free.
"Breaking free" makes it sound so easy. But in truth, it's not. It requires doing things that remove you from your present security. Making decisions that you *know* you should have made in the first place. But you didn't.
Sum it up Hawk, for Chrissake,
If you're unhappy, it's your responsibility to accept that and change it. It's probably going to be the hardest thing that you've had to do. Very possibly the hardest thing that you may ever do.
It was a great conversation that we had.
So, does anyone have New Years Resolutions?
I have one but I'm not restricting it to a year, and it's been started already.
I usually don't make New Years Resolutions because the idea is that if you slip, you have broke a promise. We are human. We slip.
So, tell me yours, and I'll tell you mine.
Mine is "to do". IE. don't talk it, dream it, doubt it, or give in, Simply do.
Do not take the path of least resistance, and do not accept half measures.
We all know (most of the time) when we are making bad decisions, bad choices, and self destructive behaviour.
Yeah, so, Opera and Miscellaneous stuff to do, ttyl.
love you all
me
My car doesn't have a radio, so I sing. For some reason, "I did it my way" popped into my head.
I went to my sister's house for dinner. I will be honest and say that I was dreading this. My sister and I don't get on well sometimes, and seeing her twice in one week, I thought might be tempting the fates a bit. (She's like mother.... at times.)
Her new name for me is Heiffer. As in: Linda, you are such a heiffer for going to Europe, and not taking me. I don't think that she'll be dropping that any time soon.
My brother Sean calls me Skoochie, which is half for skank, and half for hoochie. On my 27th birthday they took me to the spaghetti warehouse. (YUM) He of course had the wait staff singing to me at desert, but instead of "Happy Birthday, dear Linda", it was... You guessed it; "Happy Birthday dear Skoochie".
Lovely.
I think I'm noticing a trend.
Some of us can only aspire. There are worse things to be.
I was hoping to get in for dinner and be gone after two hours max. I realized that it was going to be a long night when Crystal asks me if I want to rent movies (notice the plural) and get Gyros.
I can't say no to Crystal. Never could. I'd turn the world upside down for her if I could. Her son, my nephew James, is my sweet little buddy. I can't feel moody and pensive, restless and upset whenever he's near. I love him so much. Even the squealing and banging around on his toys while we were watching movies wasn't annoying. I just got down on the floor with him and played. When it came time for him to sleep, Crystal laid him on top of his Scoobie pillow with his bottle. He got off of his Scoobie pillow and curled up next to me, laying his head on my leg.
I love that when I come over, and he sees me, he stands and puts his hands up for me to pick him up. I spent the evening playing with him and his new Christmas toys. Toddler toys rock.
The two movies of tonight were "Unfaithful" and "28 days" Guess which one was my pick?
>:)
grrrrrrrrrr
28 days was a bit long, but I really liked it. It was a good movie.
Well, it is almost one a.m. Hemlock is ready for bed. So am I.
goodnight.
love you
me