Two cookies to anyone who knows that song, and likes it. It's what I've been listening to today. Along with Weezer, and Crystal Method. I am much better after a real nights sleep. I still have a lot to do, but I'm not so freaked out anymore, I feel like everything is a little more do-able.
I feel bad because I was not in top form when I talked to Pipsie last night, and we also had a bad connection to boot.
The greyhound only requires a call to fix the problem, no fees. Everything's cool. Last night, I just took a long shower and went to bed reading "The Vampire Armand" by Anne Rice. I like her stuff, but then I don't. It's like I have to be in a mood for it. I think there's too much perverse sex in it, (little boys, grown male vampire) and not enough story. But the book I read by her "Belinda" is perfect. Also dealing with a technically underage girl.... I think that troubles me. I guess I just now figured out why her books require me to be 'in a mood to read them'. I couldn't put 'Belinda' down. Maybe I need to read something in between her books.
I've forced myself to read a little here and there so that I can just be still, and somewhat distracted.
I really am happy about the townhome. No more ghettos for hawkie. Susan gave me a kick ass reference to the apartment community.
My townhome will have:
1.5 bathrooms
upstairs/downstairs
lots of big closets
dishwasher
lots of kitchen counter/cabinet space
back patio
wall to wall carpet
washer dryer hookup
washer dryer lease (30 bucks a month)
it really is a very nice place and i can't wait to see it. i won't get to see it for another month and a half already.
well, i've got to fix my greyhound itenerary, and i've got more things than i care to even think about to do.
xxxx
Well, I got the apartment.
Big relief.
Huge-Ginormous-Friggin Relief.
It's a two bedroom town home. It is in a nice community and several ammenities. I want to jump off the walls in excitement, but I'm a little puttered-out. I have no jumping energy at this time. I don't pride myself in my crisis reaction abilities, because I almost always smack my head later and think, "I can't believe that I did that."
When I picked John up from work today, he had two coupons for free burritos from chipotle. Problem was, didn't know where they were, couldn't find them, spent time in rush hour traffic in the horrid heat losing my mind before we got directions, which were wrong directions. bleah. But at least, I got guacamole.
I am continuing trying to breath deeply. It's like carry-over tension. I still feel like I'm bracing for their rejection. When in fact, their acceptance of my application couldn't have gone better.
Who can schmooze?
Hawk can, that's who.
Now, we wait, most anxiously for the big check to come in.
I have a hippie retreat this weekend that is going to help me unwind some. Tonight, I'll be doing my laundry and packing my studio.
:(
I'm going to miss my studio.
I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining. I am very happy, but it really stresses me that I just got paid today and am now down to 14.00 because of all this unexpected hoopla. So, my nerves are still causing me to be shaky.
Don't get me wrong. I am so very happy I got the place. It is awesome, and I hardly believe it. And, I'm very thankful that John has a job, and will be paid, and that my check is coming as well. But I'm just trying to settle everything. I want to cry, just because I'm tired and frustrated. It's hard for me to think straight.
Example: Now, I've got to call greyhound because I pressed the wrong button, and I've been given the wrong return trip. Now I am extremely feart that they are going to charge me some fee that I can't afford, to switch it.
I hate money sometimes. I really do.
I guess I shouldn't have gotten the cable hooked up, but they were already scheduled and for some reason, the figures didn't come into my head exactly how everything was going to add up. It was already a done deal when I got my check and said, uh oh.
Can I just say, yet again, this is really crappy timing?
And, I'll join Mog in the nothing-is-going-to-stay-down diet.
When I asked about signs earlier, this is what I meant:
There were several little things that I saw that made me feel that this was the right way. Familiar street names, favorite colors, reoccuring numbers, lotsa de ja vu.
But I think that the whole situation is a sign. So to speak. I know the way that I feel right now is not something I want to revisit. I was unprepared. Now, you can't be prepared for everything. But the majority of my 'oh-my-god-i-am-gonna-flip-out" situations occur from money. Money. So, I need to remedy this, when I return. Time for this hawk to build a nest egg.
So, the goal is to learn from this, and to not revisit if i can possibly prevent.
bleah.
Yeah, so, I'm sure you get the idea that I'm a ball of nerves. I am forcing myself to be calm, but that's sorta like forcing yourself to enjoy something.
Last night the bedroom furniture that Susan loaned me in February, was taken apart and is going to be sold. *sigh* bye-bye big antique sleigh bed.
Yesterday, I found (hopefully) an apartment. Even better, a town home. I find out at 4pm. And that's got me shakey. I am trying not to be upset about having to move. Things happen, it's just that it takes longer to find a place sometimes, than ten days. Especially if you don't have good credit, and if you have pets, and you want to live in a nice place.
I am looking forward to Glasgow, by then, I'll need the time off.
I'm thinking about doing something with my hair. Not quite sure, just a little something.
This weekend I am obligated to go to a hippie retreat. Which should be fun, except I have a huge headache, and everything makes me queasy, campfood, uh oh, i'm in trouble.
But despite all this trembling, shaky, queasy, nonsense, I am sure everything will work out. It has this far, it will. It *will*. Which leads me to a question;
Do you believe in signs?
I believe in them. I don't believe that everything is random. I do believe that there are signs....
First things first, I must give props to Frank Herbert for the gift that is Dune. And Be ever so glad to have seen 'The Children of Dune'. It rocked, but it also rips your heart out. Imagine blubbering Hawkie, alone, watching the movie and BAWLING like a wee baby. Excellent Excellent Excellent.
Next, WHO STARTED IT? I MEAN IT! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TREND!!!!?
Whatever am I shouting about?
Moving.
I moved.
Legend moved.
Lava moved.
Moggie is moving.
Dusty is possibly moving.
Pipsie is moving.
Now, I am moving. Again.
At first I was hella freaked out. Ticked off, over dramatic, vomiting, etc. Yes, a panic attack was rapidly working it's way across my body, as Susan let me know that she was going to have to move. Financial neccessity. Therefore, we must move.
When? First of October.
HELLOOOOOO MCFLY I AM GOING TO BE OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
(I will not fear... Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear.. Thank you Frank Herbert)
So, insert blubbering (yet again) massively freaking out pissed off scared at the timing etc.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I was m-a-d.
But, I thought about it. Work sent me home for my uncanny ability to half talk half cry without tears. ( aka pre-nervous breakdown material.) bless their hearts.
So, when I was done reacting, I decided that it was time to start acting. As in mature. As in collected.
I levelled with Susan, I can't afford to pay next months rent and pay for a new apartment. Not when they want first month's rent and a deposit. Not to mention the wee fact that I'd be out of the country. So, I asked her which option would she prefer, John and I move before my trip, or after my trip. I thought I was going to have to leave, and I didn't want to screw her over but I can't just do something that major when I am going to be gone.
And, to her credit. She freed me. She helped me. And I am so relieved. Because not only do I feel that everything is going to be ok. I still have our friendship in tact.
So, sommat embarrassed by my reactive behaviour, but the point is that I didn't allow it to go down the bad way and lose my friend.
everyone together:
huge massive sigh of relief.
If I had a nickel for every bit of drama....
love you all
Well.. I happen to be in the library, and the color green that they are using, is my green. The very one in my bedroom.
I missed everyone, wanted to cach up a little and give an explanation for what's been going on.
Susan's parents are moving, so she's been stretched thin as they need her help, and as both households are selling a lot of their antiques.
I was more than mildly freaking out as all the bills kept piling up, and the date that I had set for going to Scotland kept creeping up.
Well, I just decided that I was going to buy the ticket, and let the chips fall as they may.
I am not a gambler. Don't like the premise. Ok, I confess to playing the lottery every now and then. But I must have been in for some good karma.
All of the following happened within the space of three days:
I got my ticket dirt cheap
John got a job
Susan took off 350.00 of the rent (in exchange for John helping her for four full days with their moving process.)
Pat contacted me and we are going to have a mini-visit prior to my trip!
And, my goose-egg hatched
Do you remember when I told you all about my 401k plan at my old job and how they told me that I was not entitled to any portion of my 401k, even though my company told me that I would be vested 30%? I got a notice. They were wrong. I get my 30%! And it looks like I'll get it just in time for my trip. It's not a whole lot, but it's more than enough.
In a week, I'll have a new cable modem, so there won't be anymore of this inconsistency that's been so prevalent. And, I'll be getting a web cam/digital camera. Not to mention, I'll have a new phone # too. All of it tax deductible because I'll be using it for business purposes.
Patience vinehumpers patience.
love
xxxxxxxxx
Yes, it's a pain mantra. I use it only when absolutely neccessary. If I could will the pain out of myself and into the stone, I'd be most splendidly happy. Tonight, I am getting a dose of my own medicine. I stopped drinking diet coke, and then I started drinking it again as though I was making up for lost time. My right kidney, is *very* unhappy. When I get this pain it comes upon me with an intensity. Trying to get it to stop, is like trying to appease a teething baby without doing anything for it's gums. Whatever you try to use, they just sorta stop for a moment, give you a look, then start screaming again. So it is with the kidney whenever I am particularly bad.
Oh, and Bitka, My diet coke addiction is worse than your co worker, I've braved more than rain, and since my car doesn't have a cup holder, I buckle it up in my front seat. Contemplated the long clear tubing you can get at the hardware store in which to put one end in the can, and one end in my mouth. No effort. The very next thing to an IV. Beat that. (:P)-{---===
I think that I have too much time on my hands.
Anyhow, until the mass quantities of water and the pain killer I took, take their effect, then I will repeat my pain mantra. Might sound silly to some, but it works for me.
I was so excited today at work, (as I previously stated). But I was so happy to give actual dates that I will leave and return to work. Woo hoo!
So, my trip to get to Glasgow is going to be very extensive. This is how it will look:
Catch Greyhound travel from Cinci to NYC Early (like 1 am or so) Sunday 9/7/03
Take Plane from JFK to London, Heathrow
Take train from Heathrow to Stansted
Take plane from Stansted to Arrive Glasgow
Hug Pipsie
Eat fish and chips
I gotta whole lotta shit to do.
Because I have 18 days to get everything ready for my trip.
If you've read Pipsie's Journal, You know very well I have finally scored airfare. And it was damn cheap too. I knew that if I kept trying, I'd get a good deal. I bought airfare, on special, from NYC to London Heathrow for 327.00 and that includes all taxes etc. There are two catches to this.
1) I have to get to NYC, so I'll either take a bus (akkkk! fourteen hours minimum) train is out of the question, they are more backwards than the bus. Or, I'll have to fly out to NYC... trying to use my charms on that flight.
2) Then I've got to get from London to Glasgow. Not so tricky really thanks to Stewart's suggestion to us in December to use EasyJet. I would just like to pause and say.... I love easyjet. Cheap, but they get you there. And really that's all I want. The catch? Timing. I arrive at 8:15 and easy jet's last flight takes off at 8:45 pm at London Stansted. There's no train until morning, around rush hour. That means a possible night's stay, or a 12 hour layover. So, I am thinking I might stay the night in a hostel in London, and then be rested and perky and see her on the next day. Unless she wants to meet me in London and stay there... ha ha ha. That's funny because London isn't exactly our fondest memory. Besides, I want to be in Scotland as quickly as possible, don't really want to dottle about in London. There's time for that.
I was thinking today, while I was driving everyone at work crazy, just like I did the last time... anyhow, I was thinking I'd like to hook up with Sean and Erica some time during my trip. And I got really excited thinking that I may get to see them soon.
I was really scared that I might no get to go to Scotland because of money, but I refused to say no. I remained stubborn and was sure that there would be a way, if only I could find it. Bull-headed, yes.
So, I'm mildly freaking out, but I'm really excited.
If you don't see much of me, it's not for ignoring you, it's because I have a ton of things to do to get everthing ready to go to scotland for a month.
Woo hoo!
I can't wait!!!!!!!
aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
love
xxxxxxxx
so, in effort to update more often, i have returned. i sliced my finger with the scissors last night. working with it today was crap. i'm not going to have an infected cut. and there's a ton of things to infect my cut at work. no bandaids=halfass hawk work.
so why am i having a piss fest? probably because i can.
i mean, there's always something to bitch about, right?
in my defense, i do believe that some of this is related to the fact that i am very tired. manna, has begun to sleep on me every night, and i am a heavy sleeper normally, but i do shift about quite a bit. and I can't shift about with her on me because she won't move off. she'll dig her claws in, and i'll wake up. so every hour or so, i get about insane trying to get the cat to let go of me so that I can put her on the floor, and i can turn over.
other than that, i have no defense. i guess i'm just being bitchy.
you know what i realized today? i am a jealous person. and i hate that. it doesn't matter how, why, whatever, i find that i am often looking at someone elses cookie. why can't i just be happy for other people and their good fortune?
i think that the biggest problem that i have right now is that for some reason, i don't feel secure. security is absolutely key for me. if i feel like 'everythings ok' i am a completely different person. but i don't. i can't explain it. it's like i'm waiting for something to happen that i can't put my finger on. like there's something else out there that is going to bring some sort of change in my life that i can't stop. and i guess that all boils down to control.
and while i'm further pissing in my journal, (since I don't give a fuck anymore) i'd like to say, i am about up to my head (my gesture) with snobs. and i'll define snob for you. someone who looks down their nose at my job. they look down their nose at me for doing the job that i do.
let me give a little perspective about my job, and why i chose it. yes, i make four dollars an hour LESS than I did in columbus. BUT I HATED THAT JOB. I was miserable. I worked it for three years, and a job that I hated two years before it. Five years of feeling unappreciated. of continually getting more work heaped on you, of having your benefits cut, of being given the smallest raise they could possibly manage, five years of miserable stagnation. But hey, I made good money. But my health went down the shitter, and i suffered anxiety attacks and two nervous breakdowns.
now, i have a job where i determine my days off, the time i work, the people LAUGH, they HUG each other. they are happy to see you when you come in, they thank you when you finish a shift, you can hear music while you work, you don't have to sit on your ass all day, they give you incentive for doing extra work, they don't mind if you take a month off to go to another country, you are VALUABLE to them, and they treat you as such.
so, that being said, why should i feel ashamed to tell my father where i work? i did, i felt ashamed. i guess i should put myself right there in the category of snob because i must have felt it was beneath me.
i think i'm falling back into fear.
mostly afraid of failure. i hate being a perfectionist.
and afraid that if people see the way that i think, they'll think, "she's fuckin crazy."
and i'd have to agree. how can you have all this in your head and it not be?
do you ever just have times where you think that you want to fast forward? i just want to fast forward.
on the flip side, ( i can take the good with the bad,)
work gave us non slip shoe covers. rock on. I'm always afraid that i'm gonna crack my head because i fell. i got to work my favorite position today, and i didn't have to make dinner tonight. this means that i have time to do somethings that i've been procrastinating on.
oh, and john got a job. it's not as much as he's work for a class b cdl, but it's a job. and i'm very happy about that. i suspect that after he starts working, i'll feel better. he tried very hard to get a job since he's been down here, but it's not as easy we thought it would be. kinda freaky just how bad the economy is right now.
so, we are waiting for his job to finish checking his driving record, and for all the paperwork to come back. lets hope.
and another cool thing is that it is allmost halloween. i love halloween. i can make some kick ass money from e bay when i sell my costumes and such that i make.
sometimes it is just so hard to be motivated. it does help to just piss all over my journal and then i look at it and i say to myself, "stop being mental linda. sheesh. do something."
oh, and another kick ass thing is that my trip to scotland is going to be tax deductible. as long as i take peictures there and put them up for sale, then i'm set.
and another cool thing going on, is john is going to fix the rust spots on my car so that we can paint it and put the website on the back window, and then hopefully, i'll get some calls, and generate some business.
i knew when i went to europe, that i would be forever going back there, again and again. i think i'll be jumping the big pond as many times as i can.
now, if we could get aol from being a cheap bastard... then i'll be in ecstacy.
love you all, don't mind me. i'm just fuckin nuts sometimes.
xxxxxxxx
The title of this journal is brought to you by the fact that I (have been told that I ) am somewhat censoring myself. I don't find this far from the truth, even if it is a somewhat unintended thing.
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of issues. Nothing so big. Just trying to get back into being a wife, and still going after my dreams. Realizing that living with someone, being married to someone, isn't a sacrifice of self. It's a choice. And there's nothing that says I still can't do things. Yet, with that general belief, it is always paired with a doubt.
So, if you can't make sense of what I'm saying, it's just because I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about going back on the pill. Not for any sort of real birth control, but because I hate... and I really mean HATE this disorder that I have. My last period was six weeks long. I was off of it for four days, and now it has reappeared. I can already hear people saying, "Why didn't you go to the doctor?" Because. Because I am tired of doctors. I despise poking, prodding, fishing, whatever they do. Why? Because it comes to no end. There is always more. They have no real answer.
Take a pill to deal with the symptom, give up what you want.
Yes, I have fallen (hopefully temporarily) back into the desire of wanting children. I blame my sister in law. :P She had Andrew at the end of June, and I cherished the time I got to spend with him. But I am somewhat irked. Because I feel like I am not really enjoying it as I would like to. There is always an aftertaste. "You can't have one of these."
Or maybe I could, but that would mean more poking, prodding, etc etc, and all to no guarantee.
John and I have discussed adoption. I do believe that is the route we will take. Because I am tired. (Tired of things that break, as ee says :) )
So, for now, I will write my books, take my pictures, plan to go to school, build my business, and take my pills, exercise, try to eat as healthy as possible, take more pills...
I deal with this about once every year. I think it's kinda pathetic. I despise it. But there it is. What's been on my mind. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's just always there in the back of my mind.
You know what? I think I'm gonna ask for smileys because Dallis doesn't have enough to do :P
xxx
I've not had much to say as of late. I find my life repititously repeating, and nothing so new to talk about. Sometimes, I'll read my last entry and think;
"gah!! this is cripe!" (my new word that mean crap/shite)
Sounds like a word doesn't it?
I'll never get credit for it...
Anyhow, so, I find myself, sitting in front of the blank blog entry screen and thinking, "What the hell am I gonna say?" I don't really have anything new to report... or to whine about, for that matter.
So, what do I do? Where do I go? When no one is on line despite it's eleven-eleven and no one's listening :P
I go to E.E. Cummings. And I read, and I feel, and I think. And I find a million new poems (despite the fact that I've gone through the book a million times) and I figure that, if I don't have anything to say, I'll just share poetry. That's like me, that works for me. I just counted, I have twenty bookmarks in it.
And since we are talking about the man ( the myth, the legend) E.E. Cummings, I will put a poem by him. And I'm going to put into bold text my favorite line from the poem.
You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away--
(Only you and I, understand!)
You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and--
Just tired.
So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart--
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.
e.e. cummings
For some reason, that song popped in my head. Wierd.
Today was a riot at work. At least for some part of it. The guys were all acting like they were Hollywood actors, they were telling people at the pick up window, "I love you, you've been great." Imagine hearing that while you get your frosty. And then we were singing the oddest songs. I had the manager singing "it's raining men." Everyone was just going around and telling each other, " I love you man, let's do lunch sometime. You're great! You're beautiful! I love your work!! The guy on the speaker at the drive thru, was acting like a rock star. " Your total is 10.20!!!! Thank You Very Much Goodnight Cincinatti!" we were just snorting.
I was snorting at the one guy telling me what the 'proper size of meat' is. I tried, I honestly tried to be mature and listen. But it was too much for my immature mind to let go, and I snorted.
Then, whenever this buzzer goes off, someone hits the buzzer, but not before they say, "Don't anybody move! I got it." Then they say" Stir, Wipe It, Check it!" Which is actually innocent in it's definition, but not in their delivery. I got them today to start saying, "Remember to wipe from front to back."
Ah, maturity, overrated.
So, I finally found some people to talk about the Boondock Saints with me. At the forum, go figure. Although, It's sometimes difficult for me to not end my posts with 'if you need help' and sometimes i have to remember i'm not locking the thread, i'm actually conversating. It's funny, I thought.
Well, I'm off to do laundry, and to take a shower because it's bloody hot.
love you
xxxxxx
Today was hell at work. We were so busy. My feet are absolutely screaming at me again. There were some fun moments where we sang along to the music, and Tiffany and I slow danced to "Unchained Melody." After a while, my manager changed up my job some because my head was about to explode.
And I am dealing with a pretty pathetic streak of insecurity. But, I'll get over it.
Mostly because I want to be strong for my friends, and do things for them, but I'm hear hiding in a corner, at the same time barking out advice to them to just grab that brass ring.
I have been informed that I look sexy. Really, I thought I looked just like I came home and threw my clothes off as quickly as possible, and changed it for one of my "house dresses". House dresses are dresses that are only worn around the house for two reasons, One, they have been worn to death, and therefor not fit for public. Two, they really don't fit you, or become you, so you wear them around the house.
Tonight is tuesday night, also known as the night I spend with John so I can't really journal a very long entry. Last week we ordered pizza and watched Boondock Saints, and also watched Three Weddings and a Funeral. That was pretty funny. Because, although I love the story, some of the acting in it.... is not very good, so John and I just kept smacking our forheads at the delivery of some of the lines.
Any of you who have not seen Boondock Saints... GO FRIGGIN RENT it. I'm about bent waiting for someone who appreciates acting to fucking watch it, (and love it ) and want to talk about it.
You hear me ??????
I'm bent, rent the fucker, and then let me know.
:P
love as always...
>-)
I have not finished my book yet. But it has not been for lack of trying. I have done nine pages in the last few days and I am working on a chapter that I thought I'd finished, but I hadn't. Actually I think it's one of the ones that I accidentally erased. I am sure that I'll finish tonight. Allthough, the sense of satisfaction I thought I'd have, I'm not all to sure about. I am starting to have a dissatisfaction. As in, the chapters that I've created, I'm not sure they are as good as the rest of them. Gah, gotta love insecurity. Trudging onward through it.
I have been dividing my days lately between cleaning and writing and working. I woke up this morning to be completely unhappy with the amount of housework needed done, and busted a lot of it out by 1:30. I made a few phone calls with people I've not been able to get in touch with. I hope to hear from one of them later today, and I talked with my father and my aunt Sylvia for a little over an hour.
The talk with my father was somewhat distressing. It seems as though he signed the settlement papers with his (now) ex-wife, and she took him to the cleaners.
I really try not to hate people. To spend that energy on people not worth my time. But I am truly loathing that gold digging bitch for taking my father to the cleaners. I am wishing, very ver very much that she'll get what she deserves and she'll get it soon. I am further pissed off that she is smearing my father's name. She's made him out to be a monster despite the four years he's gone to counselling and the sacrifices hes made while she sat on her ass and spent their money. My father's health is failing, and I want to go to Texas and practice a little blue-grass law. He tried to convince me that he was ok. But I know better.
It was nice to talk to my Aunt Sylvia. She was like a mother to me when I was little. Made me little yellow dresses with itty bitty white polka dots, she put my hair in pig tails. And she told me what I'd been dying to hear. Ben (my cousin, my very first friend) was doing well, and he had gone to Paris with his fiancé to propose. I hadn't heard Aunt Syliva speak Ben's name in quite some time. He was somewhat of the black sheep of the family. The son that kept her from having the perfect yuppy home, perfect yuppy family. The son that was rebellious and grew his hairl long, died it all sorts of colors. (Gosh, I love him.) Now, after seven years I have hope of seeing him again. At his wedding most likely, but really, Any glimpse of him would be wonderful. Ah, but I love my Aunt. She can schmooze you up one side and down the other. She's the only one in my family that keeps me in check. "How long's it been since you've sent your father some pictures." Me: cough.... "yes, I'll be sending him some straight away." She's at my father's house helping my father get adjusted.
I made some vegetarian tortilla things today. Kick ass.
One can of black beans
One can of corn
one cup of guacamole (of course)
one cup of salsa
one avocado
mix it up reall good, let it set for a minute put it in a tortilla, wrap it like a fajita. Much better than I thought it'd be. I think it'll be even better with diced tomatoes and brown rice.
Oh, and I've been reading a little here and there a book by Anne Rice, called Belinda I didn't care much for the Beauty Trilogy. I mean they were good, just not anything that I'd rave over. I'm really enjoying reading Belinda. And now I realize just how good she is. What all the fuss is about. Anne Rice rocks.
Well, I'm off to write a bit more.
love ya
xxxxxx
Sometimes, I am a morning person. Today I was. Until I discovered how close I was to be working with the dude at work that I don't care to be so close to. I don't dislike him or anything. I just find that he offends me. That, is my problem, but it's not easy being in a great mood and having your balloon popped. Today, he wanted to be intellectual and start a wee debate.
At first he was pissing me off, but then I realized that he was looking for a deep conversation seeing as we were to spend the next two and a half hours nearly joined at the hip. I also get the feeling that he tries topiss me off. I think he wakes up in the morning and says, "hey, I know what I can say to piss off Linda..."
Maybe not. But, if he wants a debate...
Bring it.
What should my first conversation this morning be about? About wether or not it was morally right to use invitro fertilization as a means to conceive. He was opposed on moral basis that there were discarded embryos. What was his words? "I don't think God intended science to use invitro ferilization." Making it a moral wrong... invitro was treading on God's territory.
(Yes, inevitably, second conversation was about abortion.) He was pissing me way off. I siad quite a few times, "I don't think you really want my response to that." Yet he did not relent his opinion or strong words.... and finally I thought to myself, don't hold back, just say what you are wanting to say. And then I let the floodgates open and spewed out something like this, "I don't really think that your opinion on that subject matters much since you have had two children without the want or desire to. It's easy to make a judgement when you are removed from the situation. Doesn't mean it's the right judgement." Again he countered with the, "It's not natural, there are children up for adoption... etc. etc..."
So, I replied, "Do you even know what the qualifications are for adopting a child? Do you know what it takes? I can guarantee you, that you would not pass their scrutiny, yet you have your own child, so that does not matter does it?"
He replied again with same opinion which is basically put, "Science has no business treading on God's territory."
To which I replied, "Let me ask you this; Do you go to the Doctor when you are sick?"
"Yes."
"Do you take herbs?"
"Herbs?"
"Do you take herbs or drugs to correct an illness if you are sick?"
"Drugs."
"And you think that's natural to take a plant, derive from it only a few chemical bits of it's composition, and then discard the rest of the plant? After all, God made the whole plant, it should be taken whole. Or is it ok for science to play with this part of nature because it stops your illness, but it's not ok for science to help someone with an illness... infertility is an illness."
His opinion did not change, mine did not change. But I do think that my debate was better :P.
The manager (who loves me, and loves to work with me... she said so :P) was about to combust for holding her tongue. I could tell that she was also having some issues with the things that he was saying. She pulled me aside to do other jobs here and there, thus saving me some of the deep conversation, but not before we had discussed, religion, politics, and discrimination.
Needless to say, I was wound up for the rest of the day. If you wanted to pick a fight, you just needed to tap me on the shoulder.
Then, I worked a new station, which is great because it makes time fly, but it sucks because I was close to freaking out that I was going to do something wrong.... No, I don't care what anyone says... I'm not a perfectionist....
huh-uh.
(I am waiting to see who will be ther first to reply to that...)
Did any of you notice that Prism and Liz have replied to my journal entries as of late? Gosh, I've missed them. Now, we must get Dove back and Erica. I am hoping that going to Scotland in September will afford me the chance of meeting up with Sean and Erica. And, I'll not forgive myself if I don't venture to the highlands once. I hear that the heather may be in bloom when I'm there. The thought makes me want to cry. It is a sight that I've always wanted to see, and photograph. I've a poem mentioning heather and I wanted to take a picture of heather in it's natural state and then paint the poem over it.
Come lie with me in the heather
'till ages do rush in our blood
and upon your breath of stolen kisses
I feel the magic of when we were lovers
lifetimes ago.
That poem always stays with me, and always ends up resurfacing. It's one of my better ones... I think.
Well, I am off to play with the muse, I wrote three pages last night, Hopefully, I can finish up the chapter tonight or tomorrow morning. Then it's all in editing. Freaky. Exciting, but freaky.
Cross your fingers.
love ya
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Well, I've a name for that jerk at work.... Killjoy. He really is. I was working with one of the girls today and we were having a good time laughing and carrying on while working and he had to find a way to put an end to it. The manager thought we were screwing around instead of working. But that's ok, we double time buckled down and was finished long before anyone else, including mr uptight.
So, I nearly sold my soul today. Why? Because the music station at work is country and it's driving me nuts, so I told them, I would sing along alll day with the dude who sings all day, as long as he changed it to something that was not country. I sang horribly, but I sang. Gosh, I wish I could remember some of the tunes, but I butchered it and laughed while butchering it.
good times.
The day went relatively quickly. I really just wanted to drop a note in here because my journal is so neglected lately. I was thinking of everyone, and plan to be on line some this weekend now that John is nearly settled in and our stuff is mostly unpacked. I still have much to do before I go to Scotland, so I have been trying to keep to a loose schedule.
I don't mean to be distant, I am just trying to settle a few things that have been undone for too long. This shortens my time on line. John has a second interview with a trucking company in the Cincinnati area. I am crossing my fingers because the money for this is extremely good. If things go well, I can buy a kiln and some additional photography equipment.
I am also hoping to start my advertising campaign this weekend. It's not anything advanced or intricated, just simple enough to afford, yet eye catching enough to make it worth while.
John is going to help me with the photography business. This pleases me a lot because Ihate the idea of being married and having a business by myself. It feels strange to me to not want to share the rewards, so this makes my life easier.
After chores tonight, it's time to write. Things are coming together.
And I hope to journal a bit more tomorrow.
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That's a line from the most excellent song "Laid" by James. That song is an instant mood lifter. It is near impossible to listen to that song and stay still. It's a kick-your-feet-and-don't-care-if-you-are-dancing-like-a-white-boy song.
Yes, I definately needed a mood lifter because, lately a lot of people are being arses.
At work, this dude had to start my day with a story about how he hit a deer a while ago. And he was telling the story like it was a funny story. Despite the fact that I asked him to not tell the story, and that I was seriously not interested in hearing it. He had to go on about how it was a baby deer, and it's gruesome demise. Then, when he inquired why I stopped talking to him, I told him very straightly, "I was really serious when I said that I did not want to hear the rest of the story." Then, it was a joke that I was sensitive to it.
Fuckers. It brought tears to my eyes and that sting in my nose.
Last week, my father in law caught three crabs and cooked them. I happened in the kitchen while he was shoving one of them in the pot and it refused to go in.
Lovely.
So, what did I do? I went to my room and cried. Some people might think that was stupid, but, fuck that. I love my sister in law, she was so awesome about it, she said that she would have probably cried too if she would have seen that. And she INSISTED that the crabs be covered on the table so that we didn't have to look at them.
This isn't out of context for me. In Amsterdam, I covered up the crawdad that was steamed and put on my plate as a garnish. That still disgusts me. That crawdad died to be a garnish. Gross.
Well, anyways, I was running around the store today and just being sorta here and there despite the fact I was trying to learn a new position. And I hate leaving a comfort zone to learn a new position. We were understaffed today because two people quit, and people who came in were being assholes. I can understand a little bit of their reasoning, but they were clueless. Just because I'm in uniform, doesn't mean that you can tell me what to do. In fact, I just might be the person you DON'T want to talk to.
On a lighter note, I cut my hair while I was on vacation. Right up to the shoulders. I was tired of it causing me grief. And it was definately causing me anguish as I brushed it and watched it thin. Not to mention that it just didn't look healthy unless there was a ton of hair stuff on it. I am still trying to adjust. I like the functionality of shorter hair, but I do miss long hair. But it's really a big hassle for me.
Well, this is longer than I had thought to write. I am still trying to catch up all the things around here because Scotland is only about a month away and I have things that can't be left undone. Nothing serious, just organizational stuff.
Tomorrow is another day. And I'll be thankful for that.
love ya
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I returned from Deleware on Sunday afternoon, however the phone was off (damn phone company) And it is back up today, so I may update and catch up. Have had precious little sleep since I've returned. Manna is absolutely driving me nuts with her meow-ing. She kept waking me up in the middle of the night, pawing my hair, walking across my pillow and meowing. I have resorted to giving her the bag of catnip and letting her have her wicked way with it. She's still concious, and insists on being within a three foot diameter of me, but at least the meow-ing has somewhat subsided. Am debating something to help me sleep tonight if she is still meowing.
I am also trying to get everything here situated. John brought stuff from the apartment which needs to be unpacked, and I need to get laundry finished.... you know the never ending list of things that never seem to be done, just keep recycling the chore list.
The vacation was really nice. The weather was sommat shitty until friday afternoon. I didn't get to go to Assateague (wild ponies) :( ... but, I did get to see my darling new nephew for the whole visit. I held him a lot, and fed him, and loved on him, and took his picture. He was so dear, it's enough to kick start maternal urges, which I've been fighting for a while. Even though he pee-ed on me twice when I changed his diaper. Yeah, it was nearly something right out of a sitcom when I peeked in the diaper to survey exactly what type of mess I was going to be cleaning up, and saw that there was no caca. Then I went for the wet whipe and then he unleashed.
John's parents are finally grandparents, and I can get some relief from the never ending crusade of "We really want grandkids...." I am somewhat jealous. Not in a bad way, just mildly envious. I don't know, we're the oldest couple in the family... it's been nine years... But I don't begrudge Jenni at all because she also had a hard time getting pregnant. I have to say that I am waiting for them to get used to having a grandkid, because they are nearly bonkers about 'protecting' the baby in public, etc. It's kinda cute.
John and I didn't really have any time alone until saturday when he suggested that we go for a boat ride alone. Which was very nice, even though we got stuck in a torrential downpour on the way back. We loved it. I can't believe that I am only now wondering why we didn't stop the boat..... Middle of the chesapeake bay, nobody around, torrential rain, no lightening.
Oh well.
The flights were uneventful. I even slept through a good part of them.
But I will never travel without any sleep again. I feel like I've got lag again.
I am sure I have a lot more to journal about, however, I am tired, and I need to do more laundry.
love you all
missed you all.
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