I've been listening to the Cure, the Beastie Boys, and Hole. I have been feeling very '...' lately. Passé, I guess. That's not neccessarily good. Yet it's not bad.
Work is ok. I've barely said a sentence to the boss at work that I dislike. I almost feel badly for being so purposefully cold to him. It even took him two days to say something to me. He was thanking me for a specific job and I was just 'all business/no eye contact'. Some might think that's a game. But it's not. It's a 'I'm not going to get buddy buddy with you because you act cool, but when it comes down to it, you really aren't. Besides, you still owe me an apology, but I won't be holding my breath for it.'
I set off my fire alarms this morning. I keep forgetting to clean my stove and my burners. I set the one burner on high, and it gets so hot, that it sets off the fire alarm. I love it because it can bring water to a boil in about three minutes, but hate it for setting off my alarm. I made a pasta dish, that I don't know how to explain it. Just that it was really really good. I've been missing alfredo lately so I've been experimenting with things to get that texture. I totally mowed this plate. Good thing I only made a plate full.
Going to Dayton tonight. I've been crocheting during trips lately. I can't believe how long it's been since I've done that. I forgot just how satisfying it is for me. I usually have a bag of stuff that is as assorted as my crafting attention span, but put a crochet hook in my hand, and i'm totally zoning.
I am having one particular issue lately. (yes, only one.) I feel the need for identity. I've been looking for 'something' that I can wear that will be 'my jacket'. Something unique. Something that says hawkiestyle. I was troubled by this, and dug a little deeper into self analization and can only think that it's because I don't look like 'me'. I saw my reflection in a public place a while ago and didn't recognize which person was me. While that's not a bad thing in some categories because of the weight loss, it's kinda bad because I know that it's really that I used to identify myself by my hair. So, I'm fluttering about trying to figure out what to do.
Gah, I am never really good at transition.
On the bright side of things, I am doing laundry. Very happy about that. The pile has shrunk and I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel lazy today. There are more things to do, but I just don't feel like it. I can barely be arsed to get ready for this overnight in Dayton, possible day in Columbus/ return home again, bit. Better pick up another ball of yarn.
Buying a washer/dryer during mercury's little biannual trick wasn't the best thing I could have done. Wasn't the worst thing. But I must be completely ignorant because I just can't seem to remember that Mercury+Retrograde=Hawkiedon't-sayanythingdon'tbuyanythingandfortheloveofgod-keepyourmouthshutwhenaskedforadvice.
I never learn.
I buy the washer and the dryer.
yippie 60.00 bucks
I buy accesories/hoses for said appliances.
ladeedadeeda 15.00
We borrow John's work truck and fill it with
gas as a 'thanks' 30.00
We hook it up
We run it
The hose comes loose
We put the hose back on
We run it
There's still water dumped on the floor
So we clamp the hose on (clever we are)
There's still water on the floor.
The hose is faulty
Buy a new hose
Wrong hose
Buy new hose
wrong hose
go out buy gas (below empty)
go to bank
go to grocery
go to hardwarestore.
Buy the old one that fit, and hope that it doesn't break
Attatch
clamp
reassemble
test it
seems ok
run it while watching it go through each cycle and testing the floor
the spin cycle won't work
it worked a second ago when we tested it
insert tears of frustration and madness
unassemble
figure out that it's the little button that tells the washer that the lid is shut that is causing all of the problems.
fix that
washer runs.
the end.
This is the good thing about being Aries. It's not dead unless I say it's dead.
So Today, I am doing laundry, and just hoping that work doesn't try to call me in early because I am a little hoarse and I really don't want to go in early.
I have decided that the washer is Paula, and the Dryer is Pete.
Why? Because only a female knows how to be that cold-hearted.
But in the end, the end result is what truly matters, and I have a lovely washer and dry. small load capacity, perfect for a two person household, and hopefully can shrink the pile of laundry faster than it grows.
Well, I was going to post in here about a manager who needs to be pulled into line. I've had some time to digest the situation, and I have determined that I will take the high road. It's a difficult one. One that requires me being unemotional, calm, and completely un-reactive. Nor give him the satisfaction of seeing that I am truly upset by this person. In other words... I will not create a situation in which they can manipulate me to react. I am forwarding my complaint in written form.
Then, I came on and read that nearly everyone's a little 'vermerffed'.
And, I came up with the cure.
Wrestling in multi colored jello. We could televise it via the internet and make a ton of money while getting out our frustrations. It'll be a hit.
You know you wanna.
Today was really rough at work. I abhor being emotional at work, but I misunderstood something that someone said (bad hearing) and I was thrown by a loop for thinking that Tiffany was basically leaving everything and everyone behind. I walked up to her in disbelief and asked what I'd ever done to her, and she was upset that I was upset, I started choking back tears, and she started choking back tears and then we started yelling at each other for making each other cry.
I actually told my manager, "I can't do my job and your job too. I just can't."
He looks at me and says, "Just be nice, Linda" Which is just one of their stupid little sayings. Except, he's using it to try and get me to 'be nice' when he deserves to be throttled.
I swear, more drama than a high school prom queen race.
So, Tracy and I walked again today, it started turning cold and rainy, and yet it was still sunny in a couple spots. I thought to myself, "I wonder if I'll get a rainbow out of this." Then immediately thought, "Probably not."
Then I look up and I see it.
Big beautiful double rainbow stretching across the sky. Extremely vivid against a dark grey brood of cumulonimbus.
Of course, I love rainbows and I don't think to hide my enthusiasm. I just say, "Oh my God! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Tracy, who hasn't a clue of the rainbow yet, looks at me with utter confusion, and finally looks in the direction that I'm pointing.
She says, "Pot of Gold, It's mine"
and starts running.
I say, "Not if I get there first, Bitch!" And try to pass her.
We decide to go into the graveyard that we pass every day, and watch the rainbow until it fades.
Absolutely Gorgeous.
Also, I had a package waiting for me when I got home. Calima has sent me the first season of Buffy! I'm totally stoked about this, as I've been meaning to get into this for a while. I remember it came on twice a day when I was in Glasgow and many times Calima and I would sit in front of the telly watching Buffy and sipping tea or chocolate malt. hmmmm malt.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Let me just add this. There's nothing quite like getting real mail.
xxxxxxxx
again, I am home safe and playing the game of catch up.
i need a massage.
wonder if i can bribe the spouse?
....
not a lot to say right now, trying to be in bed by ten thirty every night and work out *before* i sign on. so, i'm not trying to be short, just persevering.
hugs for everyone
xxx
Its been six years
Probably only a moment for you now
In the spectrum of life
without you
The grief has changed.
As many said it would.
I hated them for saying it.
When they said that I would heal
I wanted to curse them.
How can you heal if you do not desire another breath?
I hated them
and their polite sympathies.
In a better place?
At least you got this...
And the vultures that picked through your belongings to
find something to treasure more than they did you.
They did not know you.
Not like I knew you.
Useless lethargy of body and mind
I was willfully withering
Once an open wound that
anyone poured salt into
Then it was a scab that
everything could pique
But here is the coarse scar
tender at times
But not always so
beloved pretense
if I displace you with current things
Or Focus on something else.
Like something could eclipse you.
I have found a vegetable spread that is vegan and has no hydrogenated oils.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa le lu yaaaah
ha le lu ya
ha leeeeeeee lu yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
So, now that I have that out of my system, I shall move on.
I like the word 'shall' better than I like 'will'. It feels better when I say it.
****
Let's see, let's see, what can I tell you?
Tiffany and I were perverse today. No big suprise? I swear, you shouldn't put the two of us together in a work enviornment. We both like to get reactions out of people, and since the people that we work with are full of reactions; it only serves to make us all the more naughty.
****
Purple Rain Purple RAIAIAIAIAAIAIAN
sorry, random Prince song went through my head.
****
I heard from an old friend this week after 2 1/2 years of silence. Which I am completely thrilled about. He sorta drifted away. Hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and many disappointments. He was a friend of mine through a group I belonged to. There were four of us that were particularly close. Trish, Audra, Randy, and Myself. Well, when Randy disappeared, at first we were just hurt but chalked it up to the same thing that happened when everyone else disappeared.
Then, after time passed, we realized how much we missed him. We'd always bring up his name. Especially when we drummed. He was such a good drummer and he could lead a group of drummers like nobody's business. Cocky, sexy, arrogant, loveable. The three of us got to talking and we decided that we didn't care about the past, we just wanted him to come back into our lives.
When I got that e mail, I suspected, but I did not hope. He professed many times to 'burn his bridges', and be gone forever. We thought he was gone for good. Now he's back. And we are happy.
****
had an argument over peanutbutter cups which was completely senseless.
i bought them to make peantubutter cup cheesecake. *sigh*
****
i like frozen bananas
to eat, you perverts.
****
i feel like i should be typing more, but i can't think of anything else to say, so i guess i'll save it for another entry.
x
hi hi hi
i am back
it is late
i will catch up with everyone tomorrow after work
had a lovely weekend
missed all of you
one funny thing
i stayed with friends in MI and they didn't know what to buy for me to eat. Their daughter is vegetarian, and i am vegan. you want to know what they *knew* i'd eat?
that's right
avocados
:)
xxxxxxxxxxx
(i really missed everyone)
Pete and Paula are having an attatchment disorder of some sort. If you remember, Pete and Paula are the names of my washer and dryer. Yes, I know that this is what I get for buying them for 30 bucks a pop, but having to fix the same problem twice is quite annoying. And it's a simple problem. The discharge hose keeps detatching from the washer. Water ends up on the floor when you get to the rinse cycle because the spin cycle has knocked it loose. So, not so much a defect, as a persistant pain.
When all else fails, use half a roll of duct tape. This *will* work.
I spent a lovely day on Tuesday with the howling members of my family in a very close space. My car. It was inspection day, and I'd puddied all the wee scratches they've made and I desired to keep my apartment in a pristine shape. (I think I had more fun with the puddy than I was supposed to.) The original idea was to grab my crocheting, and head to the park, let them smell the fresh air, etc etc. Not so. It was horrible rainy and miserable cold. I feel like a mother of quadruplets must feel. I can't even describe how intense it was. I had to work out for two hours just to unwind and exhale.
I am a bit aggravated. I need a wee bit of something going my way. I get tired of feeling like I'm fighting all the time.Fight for my health, for the upkeep of bills and home, for every little penny, for every little hour.
*sigh*
I stayed away from the blog for a while because I didn't want to sound whiney and I still sound whiney. Oh well.
Moo.
I'm a motherfucking cow.
This, I know.
I failed to mention earlier that I am going to Michigan this weekend. Unfortunately, it's not to meet up with the Michiganders. but it does suck that I am going to be only about an hour away, and not be able to see them. It just didn't work out as I wanted it to this month. Plans are forming that mid may I should be going to hook up with Bitka and Lava and trounce about. John seems accomodating to this, and there are no plans in early to mid May that I know of to spring up on me. It seemed as though I said, "I want to visit in April" and BOOM... all of my weekends were miraculously filled. Now that the fiasco with the apartment complex is over with... (knock on wood) I may make plans that do not tie me to my apartment.
sheesh.
So, gone for a few days to take pictures of a lovely event. I should be taking black and whites of a momma and a baby in the buff. Rock on. Which means I should be packing right now....
right then
ciao
xxx
Spinach Pinache Salad
This delightful salad is the perfect appetizer to wake the taste buds. Diced tomatoes seasoned with olive oil, basil, and green onion on a bed sweet baby spinach leaves, topped with a pinch of shredded mozzerella.
Hickory Honey Ham
Also known as the "Triple H". Ham glazed in honey, covered with bacon, topped with the traditional pineapples and cherries to make it feel a little more like home.
Deviled Eggs
Eggs that have been to hell and back.
Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Potatoes boiled until tender, mashed with roasted garlic and buttermilk. Topped with chives or gravy.
Broccoli Casserole
Some odd combination of velveta and broccoli and crackers... bake it. Lazy cooking on the uber level. Did I mention that this is what the people I've invited are making?
Biscuits
Not cookies. Yes, I'm aware it's usually a breakfast item, but the request was biscuits with dinner.
Earl's-a-cheap-date Tea
Amaretto and Vanilla steeped Earl Grey brewed and poured over frozen oranges. Honey sweetened. If you can't have the amaretto, Earl can be a sweet date by just making it honey and vanilla. Oranges are harmed in the making of this.
Turtle Cheesecake
Oreo cookie crust, delicious thick, sinfully fattening cheesecake with pecans, caramel and chocolate drizzled on it. It's the money shot of the feast.
The vegan will be eating portabellas, basamiti, seasoned with lime and garlic. Sauted onions, baked potato.
I'll probably take pictures of all of these things considering I have a digital camera now and have always wanted to take pictures of my kitchen adventures because Calima does it and I think it's cool
but i'm not copying her
ok maybe i am
Many a horror tale or fucked up flick begins with a man and wife moving into a lovely community. It's so perfect. It's almost unbelievable that they were accepted. Then everything takes a tumble. Axes fly, freaky neighbors, somebody screws someone that they weren't supposed to. It's just all around messy.
In my story, of everyday suburban conformity, the rental office/management company are the evil ones. They are constantly finding reasons to be in here.
Yearly Random Inspection
As I have stated previously, I don't know what sadistic thing I've done to reap this but I must have been horrible.
Today, my day started with a lovely conversation with the ever charming Calima. I love when we both have the time to sit down and catch up a bit.
:)
You know you are addicted to working out when you ask for less hours at work to ease your stress, and the first thing you think of is, "That means I can go up to 2 hour cardio sessions." Sounds excessive, but I assure you, I have never slept so soundly in all my life. I can feel the stress just ooze away.
I've been stressed just because I stress. If you follow me. I am getting to the point where I just feel a bit overloaded. So, I am going to just simmer down for a bit.
I have spent this week with a woman named Cathy. She's only 18 and has just left her fiance of 1 year. Controlling, abusive, and accusing. They've had a rough onth. She moved in with a friend. I've been trying to help her with getting to places she needs to go.
My car has passed the emissions testing.
I think I was the one who really passed it. If I tell the story, it'll sound vain.
i am starting to really love being a woman.
John and I saw Return of the King last night. It has finally made it's way to the dollar cinema. I will enjoy it very much there. I really liked it the 3rd time. It truly was the charm. I was able to lose myself into the movie while at the same time look at it for the moving piece of art it truly is. I've been humming "Into the West" all day.
We have a washer and dryer, which I have named Pete and Paula. They are the reincarnation of my old crocheted snowman/snowwoman couple my dad bought me when I was about 10. I have no clue where they are. So, since I like to name things and I think that Pete and Paula are a nifty name for a couple, that's where it's at.
So, I'm off to clean the house because the apartment complex will be looking into everything when they come.
i am not assertive.
i have been getting my ass kicked around in this hippie gathering and i've just about had enough. so, i'm gonna let 'the bitch' out. because it appears that there is no other way to be assertive other than to affront people who are affronting me.
yes, i like to avoid confrontations, even at the sake of my own comfort and rights. which is why people like me to start with and dislike me in the end.
the new secretary sends me an e mail about how/ why/ what the minutes are for.
excuse me?
i
used
to
be
the
fucking
secretary
i
know
what
they
are
for
nice of her to come along when things are smooth and take the position over because i didn't want it anymore.
she says this to me because i said i didn't know how things were run because i couldn't get to the meetings in over a year, and the big clencher is that she had a hand in keeping me away because i disagreed with her and the current president's means.
so now i've got me talons out.
don't fuck with this bird, keep throwing mud at me and i'll be more than happy to play dirty.
you won't know which way the freight train came from.
i am nearly half way through spring cleaning.
learning to let go is easier some days than others.
old clothes that i won't be wearing anymore.
i promised myself that if i was successful in losing
weight, i'd buy new clothes and take a little more
pride in my appearance.
i am currently just past the half way mark, so
i am getting rid of the old stuff. it's odd to be attatched
to a *thing*, an article of clothing... etc etc. when
you get right down to it. i find it weird.
so i am trying to 'be strong' and just let it all go.
if it's jewelry i don't wear. let it go.
make room for change, because it's coming.
back to cleaning.
today, i was supposed to get my tags renewed. i was unable to. the office appeared to be closed. I was very lost in the building since it's not set up very well. I had no idea where I was really going in the building. The receptionist was gone. I guess it must be nice to be closed on a saturday.
I would normally be peeved about this because the trip was truly out of my way.
But as chance would have it, Someone else was more lost than I. And I accidently made eye contact with him.
He says( in a heavy accent ): Miss, I'm french, and I am trying to find out where I need to pay this. Can you help me?
If you must twist my arm...
(Now I realize that in the alternate universe, a porno would have begun just like this. But, this is the really real world.)
I point to the sign that says there should be a receptionist upstairs if there isn't one downstairs.
He says there isn't one.
Remembering how kind the people of Paris were to Calima and I, I decide to be certain he reaches his destination and not just tell him where to try next. So, I take him to the first open door and ask the sherrif where he needs to go.
He gives me quick directions which I try to relay it to Mr France, and he repeats them back to me a little jumbled.
Me: Where ya from?
Him: France....
Me: No no no... what city
Him: Paris
Me: *sigh*
So, I take him to the actual place and dial up the phone and a sherrif answers and starts being rude and lippy, and I'm all no nonsense, you will not get lippy with me... (this does not turn on the french guy. at least he never said it did :P )
Anyhow, I gave him the instructions which were to come back monday through friday between 8 am and 4 pm to pay the fine. He says thank you and we say goodbye.
The next hour I felt all gushy remembering Paris.
I must go back.
i went in to work today, they were short. i hate working saturdays. it's really really hectic. but i suffered through it. had a naughty picture taken... it was all in fun...
I found vegan bagels. I have overdosed on vegan bagels :P
But it's all good. It was an itch I needed to scratch.
I'm truly aggravated with apartment complex because there seems to be no end to their needed to inspect homes/ do minor repairs... etc etc. I am annoyed beyond belief. I have a week to really clean the place, they are doing their annual inspections. They are supposed to pick places at random and inspect them Well, my luck... I'll be picked. Now I'm really vermerrfed because I haven't really been able to use my downstairs bathroom for a month now because of the installation of water meters. Dust is everywhere, and the fuckers stole my broom and dustpan.
I am still going through my clothes to determine what i'm keeping and what i'm going to give to the thriftstore.
I have only one pair of really fitting pants. They are the new ones I bought in February. I am not going to complain. But it does set me up for the task of buying new pants.
Tracy walks with me every day, she hasn't shown up for two days. Yesterday, she says she knocked three times. and I didn't hear her.
Well, tomorrow, we are doing our extended walk. Its two hours... approx 5-7 miles at a state park. I'm gonna lose this flab. I swear it. :P
I keep meaning to get to Michigan. It seems like I'm never able to. That is the next stop on my list. Michigan for a weekend. I'd like to meet up with Bitka and Lava and take pictures. I want to nab some good shots of my friends. I don't know why, but I woke up dreaming that I was taking pictures for Lava's wedding.
As if wild horses could stop me.
Which spawned the thought, and while it may be backwards to you, it's just how my brain works. I find it funny that I didn't think "Hey, I'd like to see them again." It was, "I really need new pictures of them.... and I'd like to see them."
Ha.
So, I predict this to happen in April, and demand that Lava and Bitka tell me their schedules for the month :P
ha ha