Bear with me, I seem to have knocked my pinky at work last night and typing is a bit uncomfortable.
So, I called John to tell him that he needed to file his own taxes this year, and to file married but separate. Also to tell him to have patience on the disolution paperwork because I can't afford it at the moment. He tells me that he's filing divorce, not disolution and wants to discuss the terms with me. I hear a rustling of papers before he starts reading off the terms.
Irreconcileable differences
Voluntary Separation
Spousal Misconduct (infidelity, abuse, etc)
...
wha
excuse me?
So he wanted to put spousal misconduct against me. Because he said that I was still his wife and currently involved with another man other than him, and that he believes that it began IN THE SPRING.
He goes on to say, "All the signs are there."
BECAUSE: I lost weight. Because I decided to not have sex with him after I told him that I wanted a divorce. Because I began a new intimate relationship so soon. And I don't know how much I "Fucked him up by starting up a new relationship."
I told him my weight loss began in November of 2003 when I became vegan. I told him that I stopped having sex with him because we were going to get a divorce and that Mike and I didn't have any relationship outside of a reluctant friendship during the whole process.
He wonders why I'm so offended, then tells me that I can file Misconduct against him too. "We're both guilty," He said.
If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.
I say, "You know, I thought when we agreed to do this, that we would do this peaceably, without any nastiness or retaliation."
I try to explain to him and realize, there is absolutely no reasoning with him. Then I went to work. The more I thought about it at work the more pissed off I became. I mean, he can't look at his own actions and see the big reason that we ended up like this.
In his mind, we are getting a divorce because I found someone else.
In other words, It's all MY fault. He's a victim.
Not because he was out catting around, and almost left me in 2001 when I was extremely ill without a dianosis, all because his physical needs weren't being met) Not because he didn't want to do a damn thing around the house (After all, his job was harder than mine so he was excused from housework). Not because I was tired of living paycheck to paycheck with someone for 10 years Not because I was tired of getting ahead and then to have him lose his job. (Calling off 8 times in 3 months. I brought home a bigger paycheck even though he made more an hour than I did) Not because I was sick (physically and emotionally) and he took a very unsupporting approach to it. I thought I was having a heart attack once, and he wouldn't even go out to by me aspirin. (BTW, my EKG came back abnormal, but everything's ok now.) Unsupporting is the wrong were. At times he was down right detrimental. Not because he was physically and mentally abusive, and accusatory. Not because we never got to see my family, but always got to see his. Not because he broke every promise that he ever made me. I mean, none of the above matters to him. All that he sees in his mind is that I am fucking someone else.
The truth is I got better because I identified my illness, cut his sickness out of my life and started to heal myself. I saw that he would not change. I saw the next 70 years living life working a low wage job and being a virtual slave.
The truth is, he couldn't give a fuck less what my needs were.
He told me, "I tried."
I said, "The only time you tried is whenever you thought were going to lose me, or we separated."
He agreed not to check the box, but still believes that I am doing wrong.
On the positive side of things, He is paying for the whole divorce, and I don't have to appear in court unless I wish to contest. I will be getting papers in March.
A lot of nerve.
Monday
It seems as though my lovely neighbors think that it is ok to take our wire out of the cable box and hook themselves up. Yes, they are thieves stealing my precious. I am unable to get on line, so I am journalling in notepad until they (the cable company) can get the bright idea to put a lock on the damn box. (today) This is very annoying because this is the second time that this has happened this week.
I had a most excellent visit with my staffmaker on Sunday night. He continued to aid my lotion-soap-shampoo-conditioner fetish by bringing me a grapeseed wash and a crushed grapeseed scrub. Products he uses himself. Have I mentioned that I think it's sexy when a man knows good hygiene supplies AND uses them, and isn't embarressed to stand up loud and proud and say, "Yes, I use a french milled lavendar goat's milk soap, and I exfoliate often."
I was enjoying the warm sleep that follows his visit when my mf phone woke me up. That ring that I can not stand... but can not yet afford to buy a new ringtone...(see car repair payment issues)... the last ring I want to hear first thing in the morning, from the last person I want to hear from, telling me the last thing I want to hear.... I've got to come in early. Strangely, once awake, I didn't really miss the sleep. I was just annoyed at being ripped from the warm bed.
My disgustingly large cold sore has faded into two small ones that I think just may disappear altogether tomorrow.
I am working on a good habit of straightening my room before I go to bed.
I have become annoyed with being vegan in the last month or so. I've debated becoming vegetarian, but alas, I still do not desire to make this change. It's not that I want to be vegetarian (versus being vegan), It's that I am annoyed with the lack of variety lately. My own fault for not packing my lunches. So, I am going to pack my lunches and in 6 months from now, rethink it. I know that a lot of my annoyance comes from just being stressed while training.
Tuesday, I had the joy of working at my store. Oh, I was so happy. I also found out that I was elected employee of the last quarter of 2004. I get a plaque and a wee bonus which can soooo be used right now. Totally unexpected. It made me very happy. I almost cried. Sometimes, I am such a softee.
I can't wait until Monday when I return to my store. Training program finished 2 weeks early. Not really my choice to be pulled out so soon. If I have any issues with this, I will most definately make my position known. This particular promotion is only a step to the promotion that I really want, the one that will make me some kick ass money.
As soon as I get financially caught up, I will start filing for a dissolution.
Today is now Friday. We have had numerous problems with our internet connection, 3 times we've been bumped from the box as someone else plugged themselves in. Then we had problems with our signal. The technician came out and said that 'nothing was wrong that he could find', then I showed him my supreme power over technology as we marveled why the signal was really good, but I had to wait four minutes for the next page. He didn't believe me that I have this power. I do. Electro-techi-gadjet-compu-IT venom runs through my veins, concentrating at my fingertips, passing full strength into the keyboard and messing with the signal. The tech didn't believe me, yet the proof was right there. I believe it is on the agenda to have the cable modem terminated, and DSL installed. Either way, it just makes things a chore to get on line. I had to wait a ridiculous amount of time to get from one screen to the next, so I kept this entry in WordPad with the hope that I would one day, be able to post it.
I have found a feature on my phone that enables me to create my own ringtones. I am going to the motorola site asap and attempting a scary thing. To align myself with my telephone. Maybe I can find out how to get my voice mail started.
Gah.
Thats all for now.
x
I have spent the past 2 months nearly lethargic. I have forced myself to return to the gym this week. I have made it there 3 times, I'll take a break tonight, and then I'll go again tomorrow.
I am almost done cleaning/reorganizing my room. My clothes closet is also a storage closet, and I'm feeling a bit cramped. So I've cleaned a few things, reorganized a few things, and will be moving some things to the basement once I can afford about 4 large plastic bins to put my stuff in so that they don't get wet in the basement.
My niece was born 1/10/05 Elena (don't quote me on the spelling)weighed 7lbs 2 ounces and was 19 inces long. She has a head full of long baby fine hair. Just gorgeous.
I spent a day with my sister and my nephew. My nephew is rotten. I may have wrote this before, so forgive me if this is a repeat, but Mike came out to meet my sister and brother. My nephew Jammer, (aka James) rode in the car with us. When Mike opened the door for me, he gave me a kiss before I got into the car. My nephew pipes up, "That's 'gusting!" (Short for disgusting)
I am tired of snow. It's such a bitch to keep floors clean with all that damn salt everywhere.
ok. that's all for now. I'll try to hit the journal again this weekend. I know you must be chomping at the bit.
Today, I woke up at 4:45a with the inability to drift back into slumber. Then, I got a nosebleed. So, I just got up.
I did well on my test. I only missed 2. I missed more, but we went over the test verbally on the ones that I missed, and only 2 of them were ones that I didn't actually understand. Today, I start my training at the next store. It's supposed to be 4 weeks of training, but my DM wants me done in 3 weeks. I don't mind the pressure.
This week I am scheduled for 50 hours. It takes an hour to drive to the training store, and an hour home. Time spent at work and commuting is about 65 hours. My roomate stated that she will be buying a bunch of Tofutti Ice Cream because I'm sure to be a royal bitch this week.
The past weekend I made cinnamon raisin bagels and pretzels. All modesty aside, the mentioned baked goods are fucking awesome.
I also did a whole lotta knitting.
I have my Isabel (Car) back.
I am working on going to the gym this week. Even if I am tired, I will at least get on the treadmill for cardio. The acceptable minimum is 3 times a week.
Ok, I have much to do to get ready for work.
ciao
x
Did you make any new years resolutions?
I don't think that I did. I just have the general plan that I am always trying to pursue. Continue down the path towards health. That's mentally, physically, and spiritually speaking.
I am feeling a little better today. It's my day off, and I am trying to not do too much, but still get things done. I watched all three movies of The Prophecy, which of course was very medicinal. Hot men in long hair for several hours usually holds my attention. Although, I am not a horror movie watcher, the blood and guts and ripping out of hearts... bleah.
I've done lots of deep breathing and listening to music to help me relax.
I am past the freaking out mode that I was in last week. Now, I'm just in the 'deal with it' mode. Let's get this over with so I can deal with it, and hopefully move on. As soon as I get this car business paid for, I am going to put money aside in a savings account specifically for this sort of emergency. I drive an older car and therefor do not have to pay a car payment every month, and I also do not have to pay for higher insurance every month. That being said, I should be prepared for problems. See? I can cope, I can fix, I can move on.
The next order of business is deciding the specific writing for my disolution. I have to gather as many records of the time that John and I were together, any debt incurred, any agreements on personal posessions, and put it all in very specific writing. The tricky part is getting him to agree to it all so that the process can be completed. And I can be free.
I baked a little today. Lady and Troy wanted bread bowls for their soup. While I baked, I organized the corner of the kitchen where I keep all my weird food. Everything is so nice and neat now.
My room, on the other hand, still needs help. I think I am going to start on that this weekend. Not that it's hideous or anything.... It just needs a bit of help. I need to continue on my quest for organization.
Tomorrow, I should be taking a test in which I must score 90%. It's a management test that will allow me to go to the next level.
Then, Monday I work at the next training store where I learn the management procedures.
Everything happens for a reason, and I am chosing to believe that the reason behind these events are to teach me to be prepared.
I don't want to blame anything for my downward slump this past month. Really, blame is useless. Action is much more helpful. Taking action to change things one little step at a time. Next winter, I wish to have the majority (if not,all) of my holiday shopping done before Thanksgiving. Plus, I wish to stock my kitchen in such a way that I do not *have* to go to the store for anything other than basic perishables. True, you can't be prepared for everything, but you can have a head start. The best helping hand is the one that you give yourself.
To clarify about the shite that's been happening:
Last week I spent 5 hours in a Midas shop having my car repaired to find out that I needed about 400 more worth of work done on my car. My whole day off spent knitting at Midas. Only put a bandaid on the problem whiles I prayed for my wee car to hang in there until monday the 10th so that I can get paid again and get it all the way fixed. I will be driving this car for another year, and that's why I am going to put the money into it.
Same day that I deposit my check before I go to Midas, I get a receipt for my deposit transaction at the ATM that says my available balance is:
-99,599.99
I shit you not.
I didn't cry, I marched my ass into the bank and found the line too long, I called their 800 number on my cell phone... thus entering the driving while on the cell phone clan that I swore I'd never join. I didn't have my ear piece with me, but pardon me for being a bit in a hurry to speak with the bank.
Before I get to Midas, the bank clears everything up. I had not given them a new address since I moved from Cincinnati, because I didn't want John being able to know exactly where I lived. He showed up in Cincinnati one day uninvited, I don't put it past him now.
I go to pay for my car repair... that was only supposed to take 1.5 hours... CARD DECLINED.
call the bank
apologies, will Midas take a manual authorization?
the clerk doesn't think they are set up for a manual authorization.
can i go to the ATM and get the money out?
yes... i can access my account through the ATM
wonderful
clerk drives me to ATM
ATM says: Insufficient Funds
hawk says: *&^&^%^%$&^$&!!!
clerk says: you've got to be kidding me..
go back to Midas and call Lady to go through my desk and get my check book and bring it in.
Check goes through.
sigh of relief
Go to Krogers for Chocolate soy delicious Ice cream
They are out of Chocolate Soy delicious Ice cream
Drive home...
Wheel still acting odd.
Fuck.
Walk in crying, frustrated and tired.
Work 10 hour shift on Friday
Celebrate new years with my fellow old crocheting biddy, madame buffalo
Saturday:
Mike visits, we visit my family, and have a wonderful day
Sunday:
I'm absolutely exhausted. All day. Don't want to take a nap because it'll mess up my sleep pattern (lag logic) Finally decide to go to store and buy some earl grey tea.
Car won't start.
Enter a whole new set of problems with car that doesn't involve the two tie rods and two cv joints.
motherfuck
jump through a few hoops
car still doesn't start.
insert just throwing hands up in the air and being too tired to deal with it all. exhausted. i finally was able to pay rent, all of rent, on time, and the day after.... my car breaks down.
so, once again, i am at the mercy of roomate's generousity. i am using her car to get to and from work, and i am going to get the car looked at on wednesday after i try one last thing... just before the car broke down i bought gas from the kroger station, and i'm wondering if their gas is just too cheap and perhaps a few gallons of premium will help. it's worth a try... right?
that's the nutshell version of a most stressful, exasperating past week.
In addition to the whole being labeled by my friends as 'the other woman'. and having driven back and roth to michigan in a car with a hyperactive child and one adult maile who can talk more than i can, and i am not particularly interested in his brand of conversation.
then add to that the last weeks shit weather and power outtage... pushing me to spend christmas elsewheres. i am not much of a holiday person. i don't like being a scrooge with other people around.
usually i can cope with shit happening. it's part of life. it's just that in conjunction with my training schedule, all of this has really been hard on me. I'm just tired, and it's not the sort of tired that is cured from sleeping.
It's the sort of tired that is cured from having a paycheck that isn't spent before you can make it on expenses outside of the usual monthly grind.
the past two weeks have mostly sucked.
there have been wonderful highlights.
so, they aren't a complete wash.
however, i am emotionally, and physically exhausted.
and i don't really want to go into it.
murhpys law is an understatement at the moment.
i hate writing this entry because it seems a whiney shameless ploy for sympathy, but i have had the week from hell, and it seems to only deteriorate further after i say to myself, 'well, it's got to get better'
now, i just say, 'it may get worse, but i'm just gonna have to suck it up.'
but i thought i'd write a line here and say, 'yeah, i'm around, i'm trying to sort things out and having a shit time of doing it.'
i don't want to talk to anyone because i just end up crying and not speaking much.
see. i type crying, and i'm crying.
tired of crying. tired of complaining. tired of piss poor timing. tired of having to rely on other people, instead of being reliable.
hey universe. if you are listening... can i have a break please? and i don't mean the type that happens to bones or to cars.