I visited my sister and brother on Wednesday. I stayed out until almost 1 a.m. That's a pretty late Wednesday night, but it was worth it. My sister and I had a decent visit, and of course, I got to love on my boys.
Jammer has found a new way to complete wrap Aunt Linda around his tiniest finger. He has a new toy with wich he loves to play. It's a disposable camera. He just goes around taking pictures of everything and everyone. Wonder where he gets that from? :p My sister just looked at me like, "Are you seeing this?" I'm just beaming.
Christian decided to initiate Aunt Linda, by peeing on her, not once, but twice... same diaper change. That's not right. I told him that one time was the natural reaction to cold air, a second time was a planned attack. No sooner did I get him back all swaddled up in the knitted blankie that I made him (preen), restoring that wonderful infant smell, he soiled his diaper. This one is devious.
I should have realized that his quiet appearance was merely a cover up.
He is so fair. That child is (so far) blonde haired (fuzzed) and murkey blue eyed, cream colored skin, and born with a round head. Which all the nurses commented on how round his head was, and that he looked like the perfect little C-section babies.
The above sentences are sufficient proof that I am smitten.
I am not amused with the new scheduling at work. It appears that I am about to be screwed when it comes right down to it because of this manager quitting. I have one schedule request. Only one. Sunday nights/ Monday mornings. Meaning, I can open Sunday, I can midshift Sunday. I can Mid Monday and I can close Monday. I request solely not to close sunday night/ open monday mornings. It's the only night that I get to see Mike, and I have to work the next 2 sundays CLOSING. I am not a happy camper. But in the end they don't care. I'm salary, they were only humoring me in the first place, is the way that they will probably see it.
They are digging their ditch. I knew that when i wanted to transfer to Dayton, all I would have to do is give them time and they would give me a reason. They are building quite a substantial reason, and I will appear demure. Then I will take my vacation, and when I return from my vacation... BOOM
I have decided not to guilt myself about the amount of sleep I need. It's counterproductive and needless. I work 50+ hours a week, work out 5 times a week (when I'm vigilant). Sleep is neccessary and understandable. I notice a definate improvement. I feel better, and I am calmer.
The new manager that they transfered to our store just 2 weeks ago has decided to quit. Usually people don't come into a store complaining. In management, It has been my experience that people try to put their best foot forward, establish a fake representation of themselves, and then trample it all to hell by being a prick. He was a prick right from the beginning. He continues to be a prick right now. He had 'car problems' yesterday, so he 'couldn't make it'. I'm never one to fault someone for car problems, I've had my share. But the way that he worded things, and the way that he called, it was obvious that he wants to be fired instead of quit. Good ol' unemployment.
The original plan for today was to go for a leisurely bike ride. It is raining, so that's out of the question. It's a good, soft rain. It's making that lovely sound on the leaves that sounds like gentle applause. Continuous, unlike the frequent thunderstorms that have abruptly come and gone for most of this summer.
I'll be spending an hour cleaning my room and looking after the cats. After that, I'll go to the bank. Then, I'll go over to my sister's and love on the little ones. Oh how I love those kids. After that, I'll pop over to my brother's.
I'll probably squeeze in a work out tonight before I go to bed. I love going to the gym at night. I work out, then I take a shower, then I sit in the sauna until I get too hot. I rinse off, get dressed, go home. Feeling wonderful. If I had a reset button, that would be it. I sleep so well after that. Perfect sleep.
Don't know if I mentioned before that I gave Silas to my brother. My brother loves him, and has hounded me about giving him up since he moved out. (My brother used to live with us, as many of you may remember. I felt it was in Silas' best interest, as he was having issues with the other cats (frequent fighting/bullying) and he's a cat that needs a lot of affection. My brother is on disability, home all day, he can (and is) showered with affection.
That's enough rambling for now.
I was very fortunate to be there for the birth of Christian. My sister was ready to start pushing, and I was trying to leave the room. Only 2 people were allowed in the room at the same time. My sister suggested rock, scissors and paper should determine who stayed and went, but I determined that I would just duck out and go crochet. Except every time I was blocked. Tables, nurses, doctors, stools. I couldn't even get to my camera. Dammit. I just wanted to get to the door, screw the camera, screw the crocheting, I said I was gonna leave, so I was gonna leave.... not. Blocked in. So I found a corner and stayed in it. If I wasn't supposed to be there, I was going to be as quiet and as out of the way as possible.
My family is blessed with hips. So, Crystal only pushed for 15 minutes. That's really fortunate.
But all that previous talk about birth control after watching the birth is no match for holding a brandnew baby. If you only have a slight amount of maternal desire, a newborn will bring it to the surface. Usually, it's pretty emotional for me, especially with my sister, who is unprepared in so many ways that if I wrote them all down it would like I was jealous, judgemental, and hated my sister.
I love my sister. I love my nephews. Still, I want to kick her ass.
I had a great time with my buddy Jam and he fell asleep on the couch with me at Crystal's place. He's so precious. I worked with him all weekend on proper behaviour, knowing that Crystal would not reinforce it when I was not there. She can't be bothered to teach him how to speak clearly, or put anything educational onto the TV.
I have heard people say that Jam is hyperactive. He's not hyperactive. He's a 3 year old boy that doesn't get out to play very much. He also lacks educational stimulus. Whenever I come over and he's running circles in the living room (literally) I take him to the park, let him run around and get sweaty and tired, and he falls to sleep sitting up on the couch next to me. If I so much as hear anyone suggest medication for him, I will go off.
Some people may think that it's wrong of me to feel this way, but I look at my sister's children as if they were my own. For some reason she's not taking initiative at a very critical stage of their lives and I am going to have to step in and help with things like counting to ten, ABC's, going to the library and learning to be quiet in the library... things that are going to help Jam's teacher's, as well as him.
I anticipate having one or both of them in the future for extended periods of time. I wait for the call. I know my sister. I would never tell her that, or embarrass her in front of the family, but it's a fact of my life.
At the same time. I am hoping to encourage my sister. The way that I feel, she has absolutely no clue about. But I hope to encourage her to get things done and to take some initiative in her own life. I do think that she feels the judgement of the whole family coming down on her. She's experienced 'tough love' from just about all of us.
I walk a delicate line of emotions and morals in this situation. I seriously hope that I can keep my cool.
It's so damn hot here.
8lbs 5.8 oz
21 inches
Christian was born this weekend, perfect and precious. He is already making faces of frustration whenever his Aunt Linda showers him with kisses.
A very laid back baby boy. He cried a little, but not much. Only really making a fuss when he got poked by the mean nurses.
I was there for the whole thing, and I tell you what.... that's the best damn birth control you can get. I don't care how much you kegel, a 14 inch head is a 14 inch head.
Mother was tolerable-acceptable, I just dropped her off at the airport. I'll be catching up on my sleep now. I feel a little better, but I am still impatient. I wish it were October already.
"Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it. Life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement." Kite, by U2
My Grandpa Bill passed yesterday. I was not close to him, but I care. I am disappointed that I am unable to get to the funeral and be with my family. Family is family, close or not close, these are times to be together.
As expected, I can not stop my inner dialogue. Death always brings me back to Janet and how much I miss her. Sometimes the intensity of one funeral numbs you for all others. But mostly, I start to question the living.
Myself. As if I needed to be any more self critical. Every since I 'woke up' (That's the term that I have come to use that nutshells all the changes in the past 4 years) I have experienced a fear that I would die just as I started living, and I have been after my own hide to finish projects and get somewhere in life.
Don't get me wrong. I don't have any premonitions about the end of my own life. It's just that it was never so precious before, and now that I actually see it, I want to live it, and I feel like I've lost time. At least I'm past the anger stage.
To suddenly wake up and realize that 17 years of your life was spent in a hormone induced psyhological haze all the time trapped in a body that you despised but did not know how to change... is not something you just say, 'Oh well, at least it's good now.'
As most people know, I'm not happy without a ton of things to do, and working on some sort of self improvement project.
I couldn't sleep last night, and I requested bereavement time from work. It's my right. I can't count the times that I've been in that store past my scheduled time/ on my days off, etc. I feel absolutely no guilt. Ok, just a wee bit, but it's fading quickly. I have tomorrow off as well.
But I forced myself to do nothing but be leisurely today. Take time and think, and learn and move forward. Try to remember Grandpa Bill, his kindness and grace.
Tomorrow will be action. Accomplishment. I have been starting to reassemble my wedding photography business. After no weddings for a few years, I will have done 3 this spring/summer. I do not wish to be so stuck in a job that I can not be with my family if I am needed. That I can not visit my friends as I wish, that all I want to do is sleep. This isn't living, and it is hardly what I 'woke up' to do. Not to mention that U2 has never gone on tour without me knowing about it, and to find that it's all sold out, everywhere. Grrrr.
I became vegan almost 2 years ago. I did it as a last ditch effort. It worked. Then I started working out. That helped. I have been rethinking veganism for the past six months, and I have decided to stay with it, but to go healthier, less oils, more vitamins and herbal supplements, a little more regular exercise. Maybe a new vibrator... just kidding, just seeing if you actually were reading this far.
And a little lighter talk to end the entry:
I went to Wild Oats today, and praise be!!!! Spring Creek Tofu is back after being gone so long that I gave up on it. All other tofus are caca comparitively.
I am currently addicted to Arizona Green tea with ginseng. I have decided to try and make my own green tea/ginseng concoction because it's getting expensive. But seriously, it's great. It's refreshing, and it does give me a little extra energy, and unexpectedly, I'm not sure why, but it's somewhat of an appetite suppresant. hmmmmmmmmm
I've been struggling lately in effort to adapt to work. I've been rethinking the career move. I don't know how other people do it, but I am not physically cut out for this. In effor to adapt to work, I've been cutting out some personal things... I don't work out like I used to, I haven't taken any real time for myself, and it shows. I'm ragged. I look like a wrung out dish towel.
Dusty and I had Chipotle on Saturday, and I believe that I had to apologize to her for being a little spaced out. Last Thursday night was the worst night ever at work. It involved a hyperactive 17 year old who acts like a toddler... (mommy mommy mommy mommy!!!! now now now) a gun, 2 calls to the police, 1 irate father ( of the 17 year old) reducing me to tears and the 17 year old leaving at midnight, and therefor screwing all the closers, and myself. I didn't get out of work until almost 4 am. Crying intermittently, of course, does not help. We are supposed to be done by 2 a.m.
I was so ill from the confrontation ( I abhor yelling and confrontation) that I was naseaus and shaking, and I woke up the next morning still shaking. I went back to work, still shaking, and Sometime later that night, I stopped. But I was so exhausted from the ordeal that I slept all the hours that I wasn't at work, and wasn't getting ready/ going to work.
Nightmares abound. But that's par for the course for my overactive imagination.
Anyhow, getting back to the beginning, and the statement I was trying to make was: This isn't worth salary. I thought that it would be. But it's not. A person should never alter their life so completely around their job. You should never sacrifice your physical health to do a job. I have learned a lot from this job. I don't get walked on like I used to, and I am much more assertive.
Mike's Grandmother passed yesterday morning. We haven't been able to see each other much lately. It seems like whenever we try to get together, things happen that we just can't help or work around. I am beginning to wish that I hadn't asked to postpone moving in, as I really needed his support this past week, and I would have liked to be a comfort to him right now.
I began moving some things into my storage unit. I have just over 2 months to pick out a house full of stuffs for Mike and I. I am yard sale-ing it. I have to get:
for the kids:
1 twin bed (for B) I already have a bed for M, 2 dressers, 2 shelves
for our room:
really, we just need a king sized bed.
in general:
table and chairs
glass cookware
book shelves. Lots of bookshelves.
I am suprised by how small that list is. Before I thought it was so much larger.
Weird. I am sure that I can find more to buy....
Oh, and I need to get some stuff for Crystal. I wish she'd have that baby already.
Sorry about the lag in posting. I have not physically adapted well to this change in my career. It takes more out of me than I thought it would. I have to force myself to go back to bed or take naps. I can only truly work out at the gym on my days off. I suppose I could whip out the fitness tapes again, time is so precious, that I just don't have the time to drive the half hour to and from the gym, work out for an hour and a half (with proper stretching warm up and cool down) It's just not feasible. Probably because I'm not really working 50 hours a week, it's more like 60.
I wish Aunt Flo would get here and leave already, and take these breasts that belong to someone else with her. Seriously, I feel like I look like I've had a boob job.
Speaking of breasts, I can not buy bras in stores anymore. Not unless I want to pay an arm and a leg for it. I seem to be in an 'in between' bra size. Either they or sold out... everywhere, or they just allow each city 10 bras in my size, and I must scurry to find them.
My sister is due July 28, and I thought that she would go before now, but she hasn't put together her crib yet. Joy of all joys, Glema (read: biological mother, aka 'mother') will be in town for this. Most likely, I will have to share the house with her, and I was looking forward to just Jammer and I being around.
I took Jammer last Sunday to Mc Donalds to get his happy meal and play on the gym. It was full of screaming children. I didn't like how many doors were in that place. But, I guess I understand emergency exits and what not. There was just no strategic place for me to set myself to watch him and watch the doors. Call me paranoid, I don't mind. He played for 2 hours while his mommy took a nap and I crocheted.
Mike and I have pushed back the moving in date.... my suggestion. I was starting to freak out a bit about living with someone else again. I am afraid in some ways. I am also certain that I will not be able to commute. Since I may not be able to commute, I want to have a little bit more money saved up. I know that I could find a management position again, my job is pretty much transferable. However, I don't think I want an equivalent transfer. I want 40 hours, not 50+, so that I can contribute both financially, and personally to my commitment.
My beloved is mkaing staves like crazy, He keeps bringing them here for me to photograph. He's doing so well. I finally finished my poncho so that I can start making some for sale.
Really, thats about all