Not too long ago, I was stressed and wondering when I'd catch a break. Sometimes it just feels like you throw yourself into things only to find that your efforts seem to be futile. Everything feels like it caves in around you, and you find yourself crying at anything. You just get so tired of fighting every little thing.
It seems that I have been given a break.
I have a manager training class this week for three days. That's three days that I can sit (aka rest my poor feet) relax and actually get some training. I'd say 75 percent of the training is worthwhile, so far. Then, I work Thursday, 4pm to close. Then I depart for Virgina on Friday morning. I will spend my second week of vacation in the Blue Ridge mountains, on the Appaloosa Ranch with my father. Later on in the week, we will be joined with my sister, Tara (who lives in CA) and my brother, Brian (who lives in TN).
My father asked me what I wanted to do for the week that I am to visit, and I said, "I just want to go to the ranc h as much as possible. We don't even have to ride. I'd like to help. But mostly, I just want to be there.
I just talked to my father who told me that everything is set. I'll be riding everyday, and I get to help. I'm getting a pair of cowboy boots, and a hat to help me adjust. And I have just found out what my 'duty' is for the week that I am down there. I get to groom the babies. One week of brushing and loving on baby horses. I could cry. They say that the baby horses need as much human interaction as possible, and that they need to get used to the idea of someone grooming them. It makes them better companion horses.
I get an honest to goodness lesson, so maybe I can learn a few things.
To sum it all up, I only work 1 shift in my store over a period of 14 days. I get to ride horses, and I get to pet and groom and coddle the babies. Not to mention spend time with my family.
Also, I was going through my closet last night and I found a couple things that I thought were lost.
My camera that Janet gave me
The stuffed animal that Janet gave me when I had lost all of my childhood possessions thanks to my mother's ex boyfriend. (he kicked my mother and I out, and sold them in a yardsale... the money was believed intented towards purchasing cocaine. Sounds traumatic, but I actually feel worse for my mother. She lost a very large box of photographs.)
The stuffed, cartoonesque cat brought immediate tears to my eyes. I just sat there with it and held it.
Also, when I return from my trip, it will be time to actively look for apartments in Dayton. Wow. Huge step coming up.
Liz, check your gmail. I sent you a message on how to get your blog fixed.
I hate thieves. I have had my gym bag stolen out of my car with about 3-6 outfits, various sports bras, gym socks, and hand towels. Then, ten days later, someone steals my ash tray because it has pennies in it. I have half a mind to put something nice in my car, and do a stakeout, and get the motherfucker with one of my throwing knives.
What throwing knives, you ask?
Any knife is a throwing knife if you throw it. :P
I'm mostly pissed about the earrings that were in the dish, they weren't 'real' per say, but they were special. Bastards.
I wish I had something profound to say about the event of my divorce. I received papers stating that the final decree was 8/8/05. I opened them up about 1.5 hours before I had to be at work, yesterday. At first I read through the papers expecting the summons and waiting for the fury I was sure to have. But it sizzled out and took something with it and I found the need to sit down, not knowing how to punctuate the moment. Tears or cheers?
The night wore on, and I am finally accepting it. The end result is neither tears or cheers.. just sighs. Relief mingles with grief and produces long sighs.
Thank God, the nightmare is truly over.
It turns out, only one person had to send in the petition to proceed without a trial. I guess I owe him an apology, for contacting him, Not anything that I said. Because I don't regret it.
That being said, I am going to change my last name. As stated before, only one person in the family wants anything to do with me, so why would I want to remain attatched to them in name? It's a thought that I've chewed over and over. The name is poetic, in a sense, and no one forgets it. I thought it to be the perfect pen name, artist's name, etc. My maiden name is hardly something that is musical to the ears, and much grief from childhood comes from the distortion of the name. What if it changes again? I don't want to keep changing my business cards and important papers.
So it boiled down to 2 things:
1) If my art is crap, no great name is going to get it anywheres.
2) If my art is good, then my name is irrelavent.
I could write another parpagraph letting you know just how my brain ticks as I disected the above quandry, but it is likely to bore you to tears. I'll just conclude that I've decided to use my first and middle name which flow together nicely enough. In the end, that's mine, and is always mine.
My soon-to-be ex-husband sent me the paperwork to avoid a trial. Exactly what I wanted. Only, there was only 20 days to file them from the date on the paper, and it was dated 7/11. His affidavit is dated 7/22, and the postmark on the envelope (sent regular mail) is 7/25. I receive the papers when I get home from work one morning at 3 a.m. and say, I'll deal with this when I wake up, and can try to read legalese.
I did not have sufficient time to respond. I will have to rent a car, drive to Deleware, and be completely inconvenienced financially, and situationally, just because of this. So, I call and I try to tell him this sentence, "When you find out the date, please let me know. Don't mail it to me, call it to me, so that I may have as much notice as possible."
He says, "I don't know what you are trying to pull, THIS-is-what-I-am-going-to-do: I am going to get an extension on the trial, and get a lawyer to protect myself."
At this moment I am furious. Not only has he interrupted me, but he's also insulted me and threatened to break the agreement, THAT HE WANTED. Which was: No one in the courtroom with us. Just him, the judge, and I.
So, I'm supposed to come down to Deleware... hundreds of miles away... with no one. While his support group is all right there. What would I do if he brings everyone in the courthouse.
Especially since I have found out that no one else wants to talk to me. Just his sister Jenny. And I know if they knew the whole story, they would think differently. But, no, these people, who were my family, would rather look at their poor wounded son, than to think that there was anything wrong with what he did.
He put on the papers that our date of separation was Sept 9. It was Sept 2nd. He says that Mike threatened him. Which is completely fictitional. Mike never threatened him. He has everyone (except Jenny) Thinking that I left him for another man. I did not leave him for another man. We only lived together as roomates last summer. From Memorial Day, to Labor Day, it was solely to finish out the lease. I was moving my stuff to Columbus, every weekend in between, the bathroom door was locked, there was no sex, and there was not so much as a glimpse of me naked. I never let him think that there was a chance.
Yet, he puts Sept 9th as the separation date.
And he has everyone thinking that I am what HE was.
I find it incredulous, that he hasn't dated or done anything else since we separated because he's waiting for this divorce decree to go through. I mean really... What is he going to do when the divorce is final? Go BACK to the way that he was when he was married?
Then he told me that it would be "ill-advised" for me to bring my boyfriend. I asked him if he was going to do something that the Bible reccomended that he do since he was so religious now. Basically, he was threatening Mike.
It is almost over with. *Almost*
In more pleasant matters, I've learned to drink a vitamin /juice drink that looks like swamp water. As long as I don't look at it, It's not all bad.
I would really like to tell my new hires who are whining about lack of breaks, and what they think the store should be like (because of the stupid videos)
1) Absolutely no store looks like the videos
2) Find your thumb ( as in to suck on it and self soothe)
3) Shut up. Go somewhere else. I have a stack of applications of 200+, you aren't doing us a favor by working.
4) I was honest with you in the interview. This is not an easy job. So, again, shut up.
5) Requesting to talk to my DM, is going to make you look like an idiot, but go ahead, open your mouth and insert your foot, just be sure that I'm there so I can laugh as he tells you what I tell you, only more succinctly.
6) When you call off twice because your wife was in labor for 36 hours, and are just now getting back from the hospital, I have no sympathy for you. You knew when you woke up that morning that you were not going to come to work. Why did you not call us as soon as you knew, instead of waiting until 1-2 hours before your shift.
7) Again, shut up.
I'll be back after work and working out tonight to put in a lovely entry about dealing with my very soon to be ex.
What a fucking dellusional prick.
I enjoy lyric and poetry, the interpretation and application to my life, I find soothing to the core of my soul.
"Grace, She carries the world on her hips..." (Grace, by U2)
I think of this song anytime I think of/see a woman carrying her child on her hips.
But tonight it was me. Christian all swaddled up and rested on my left hip as I swayed back and forth just enough to keep him happy as I ate my fruit salad. One -handed maneuvers are key to survival around wee ones. Crystal was up since 6:30 a.m. with the boys and when I came over at noon, she had that new-mother glaze to her eyes. So, I watched the boys for her while she slept. She slept until 7:30.
"Baby, Baby, I wanna hold you, I wanna make him stay up all night..." (Talking heads)
Christian has his nights and days mixed up. The goal today was to keep him awake for as long as possible, allow him to nap for only 2 hours and then again, keep him awake as long as possible. The goal in this game is to help him rearrange his nights and days. Instead of jet lag... it's baby lag.
Jammer has 12 stitches on his left leg. He was playing the other night outside and cut his leg open clear to the bone. Thankfully, the location will not hinder him as he grows. It pains him a great deal, and changing the bandage is a terrible experience. He doesn't just cry, he screeches and slobbers and begs and pleads that you don't touch it. It's wrenching.
"There is a certain majesty in simplicity which is far above all the quaintness of wit." (Alexander Pope... a quote from the knitting meditations book that Dusty gave me... thank you very much )
No doubt James' ordeal has exhausted him and he slept curled up next to me on the couch for the majority of the afternoon. So, I had Christian in my arms, James asleep next to me, and I watched television, or laid the baby on my left leg, and crocheted on the right. I was just about to pop my ipod in my ears when Christian cooed.... or sighed... or whatever noise you want to call it since 'the books' say that cooing doesn't come till later. Neither does the smiles that I saw... they are gas.... gas is of course a reaction that they would have to you running a finger alongside their face and neck.... not a smile....
Anyhow, it was such a simple bliss that I had this afternoon. I fought the ugly green monster of jealousy. I fought the other monster... biological clock. And I was able to be thankful for the time that I had with my nephews, instead of being a blubbering mess like I was when James was born.
Also, I got to see my brother Rex for the first time in 3 years? Maybe more, maybe less. He's a mess, but he's my brother and I still love him. I picked him up so that he could meet Christian and try to catch up a little. But there's only so much catching up you can do when you don't want to open your life up to someone.
I received papers stating that my divorce is trial ready.... all I have to do is submit a paper to decline a trial, and the paperwork will go through, and I will eventually receive a paper stating when my divorce will be final.
I try to not spend too much time anymore internalizing and analyzing everything, but such is my nature.
The thing that I wish most to attain is some semblance of a (pseudo)normal life, in which I can enjoy great periods of time between major changes in my life.
oh, and it's a smile dammit.
Went to Adobe Gilla's last night with Tim. He covered for me when Grandpa Bill died, and I've been talking since February about going to have a drink or go eat with him. We tried to get a hold of Mike (from work) so we could get obnoxious, but it was just us. It was nice. Tim's a great guy, and I wish I had a friend to set him up with.
Anyone interested in meeting a very attractive, mature, 24 year old man, with a 3 year old daughter (that he adores and devotes his life and time to), who is intelligent, funny, and has aspirations and dreams of being something more than average?
Shit, everyone I think of is long distance. grrr.
I absolutely love being friends with him. Every time he tells me about a girl that gives him the run around about going out, I think, "Stupid girl."
My beloved visited on Friday night instead of Sunday because of my schedule problems, which they ended up giving me Sunday night off anyways. Mike went fishing with his son B, so he was unable to visit again. I am anxious to find out how they did.
Visited Crystal a little bit yesterday but, I was exhausted... she was exhausted, and the boys were too, so I went home, they all took a nap.
I'm going over to her house today to take pictures.
My roomates are on vacation. If I realized this earlier, I would have stayed home today. I enjoy the days that I have alone... sometimes solitude is a good thing. I can sit on the screened in back porch and crochet.
Alas, Sisterly and Auntly duties call.