The weather is changing... obviously. I looked out the drive thru window a few weeks ago and thought, "What the fuck is all over my parking lot?" Leaves. Scattered everywhere. I don't do so well at holding my body heat in anymore. So, cold ass means... winter is nigh. It's a sign of nature.
The cold feet have to do with moving. I'm starting to freak out a bit. I am excited, but apprehensive. I misunderstood Mike, he misjudged the dates, there was a clear moment of 'Oh my God. What am I doing?' This doesn't bode well for remarriage. On my part. All it takes is a bump and I go into self protect mode. The great and wonderful thing is that we talk. We actually communicate. I don't think we've had any arguments (which I've been waiting for). We've stood on opposing viewpoints numerous times, but we respect each other's opinions. There have been conversations about, "I am not happy with something." But always a healthy, positive conversation.
You know, I'm done blaming John. I'm done accepting my part in the failure of my marriage. I'm in the middle-to-tail end of sorting through forgiveness. I am still grieving the loss of his family to me (Partly why I'm not done with the forgiveness. The fact that he's alienated me from his family really upsets me.) I fight writing him an e-mail. I don't know if I just miss arguing with him. I tell myself. The message would fall on deaf ears, and it would do no good. Let it go.
As soon as I get settled in Dayton, I'm going to therapy. Last month, I was just fine. (Aren't we always?) Then when everything is coming down to the wire, and I should be blissful (and I am in a moodswing sort of way... gotta love Aunt Flo) I start needless over analyzation.
The real problem is jumping.
I'll be jumping on Halloween. Or the day after.
In other news, I only have 2 days of work left. Tonight and tomorrow. I'm actually saddened. I can feel the relief coming, but I feel sad because I've busted my ass to get here, and I feel like I'm giving it up because I don't believe in the system anymore. If my job actually matched my job description, I would love my job. But it's the chaotic element of it that just puts me in that, "Oh well, It's management. That's the breaks. More money, more headache.
I really do miss being an employee.
Last night Mike asked me, "So, when do you want to put cable in?"
I replied, similarly, "So, when do you want to put internet in?"
This is a funny conversation by two people who don't even own a bed. And we aren't kids anymore. Air mattress is extremely temporary. Between my back, and his, his sleeping problem. My multitude of sleeping problems... We can't just go get a mattress anywheres.
But, priorities are priorities, and you have to have them.
Speaking of internetability... After monday, updates may be sparse. But again, they already are.
Ok, gotta go for my walk. Maybe if I walk a whole lot, and then work a 10 hour shift until 2 a.m. I'll come home and sleep soundly. Maybe.
And all the money you save is gone. First month's rent/ deposit/ deposit for utilities/ car insurance/ medical bills. You name it.
I went to the thrift store the other day and totally scored.
For less than 47.00 I acquired:
73 piece matching dish set
a crock pot
a blender
a wine rack
a jacket (it's getting cold, drive thru gives you a cold if you don't bundle up)
an ice cream maker
a silverware organizer
a few tupperware items
Later I was able to get a fridge for 100.00.
I am still revelling in the glory of my victorious hunt.
*revel*
*revel*
Dusty and I went to the Renn Faire this past Sunday. Despite velvet attire, I could not keep my body heat. I think I threatened Dusty to share her warmth at one point. This wasn't a typical cold day, it was warm in the sunlight. I should have been fine.
Then I was terrible company and slept in her car.
I am hoping to kick this fatigue before winter is truly here. I need my energy, and fall is usually a time that I'm alive and out enjoying things.
I am also trying to finish packing things up in my room. It's getting there, but not as quickly as I'd like.
I think I need a chiropracter.
This thing with my back can't be happening.
Also, Aunt Flo, your absence is duly noted. Get here already. There's no reason for you to delay, and I absolutely won't accept your obvious idea of interfering with moving.
I think I am coming to accept that I only *think* that I want sweet things. I don't truly want them. I've a craving for something, so I've been going through my usual routine of indulgences. They aren't hitting the mark, and even worse, I'm wasting my money because I'm not finishing them. Worse yet, they don't set right with my stomach. I've had guacamole.... so I don't know what it is that I am wanting. Whatever. I don't really have an appetite for it anyways.
Soup... maybes I want soup.
It's official. We got the half double, I'll be moving in with the staffmaker in less than 3 weeks.
I've been battling migraine and fatigue for about week. I finally called off of work on Wednesday to go have the damn migraine rubbed out. The result was being barely able to function other than to eat, and go to bed. I slept from 8 pm to 12 noon the next day.
I feel a lot better, but fatigue creeps up on me quickly. I know that has to do with AF being around the corner, but oy, am I tired.
Mike and I will need to spend a disgusting amount of money in the next month. I hope I can do it. I'm not really a spender, but we need things.
Stove
Refrigerator
Bed(s) (1 kingsize, and 2 twinsize)
Washer
Dryer
Bookshelves
And after that, comes Christmas time.
So quickly. I hope I can manage to hibernate. I truly do not want to be out and about during everyone and their brother trying to fight for the latest tickle me fuckhead.
I'm also excited because Mike and I are looking towards actively saving towards a house. A real place of our own. Somewheres we aren't putting money into someone elses pockets.
Shit, i forgot to put my laundry in. damn.
Band of choice: U2
Are you male or female: I know a girl called Party.. Party Girl.
Describe yourself: Babyface, babyface, slow down child, let me
untie your lace.
How do some people feel about you: It's allright, its allright.. It's all right!
She moves in mysterious ways.
How do you feel about yourself: A vampire or a victim, it depends on who's
around.
Describe what you want to be: Bad. >:}
Describe how you live: Who's to say where the wind will take you? Who's to say what it is will break you?
Describe how you love: Love is not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring, is all that you can't leave behind.
Share a few words of wisdom: Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it. Life should be fragrant. Rooftop to the basement
Allright, someone else....
I have woke up with.... let me rephrase, I have wrestled all night with a stupid headache that I can not figure if it is sugar based (as in too much sugar yesterday) or sinus based (as in fall is great but sometimes sucks) or stress induced (as in I've obviously been clenching my teeth in my sleep)
The only fact remains that I woke up at 444 a.m and can not get back to sleep. So I came here.
I don't understand the stress part, I took a fantastic 3 hour walk yesterday, and it appears that things are going to very soon resolve themselves as far as moving goes.
I am very excited to move, although nervous.... but not stressed about it. I've actually hit a stride.... I'm okay, just keep moving forward.
Went to the ULE with Dustbuffalo yesterday and it was awesome. I had a picture of Mike and I that I framed and took with me for the special blessing so that I could hang it in our home.
I *love* chanting. The way it echoed in that room... fantastic.
I think that as soon as a LMT has an appt, I will be in there. My neck/ head are killing me.
I had a little casaba which was soothing to my mouth and helped with the supposed sugar problem, but I still feel like there is no way I can go upstairs and get some more sleep.
bugger.
Hopefully, Mike has found a place. This would be fantastic. It's not exactly what we thought we'd like, but it's basically something we are going to treat like a stepping stone. Basically, get me there, get situated, and then possibly look for something better... maybe something even permanent. The idea of house shopping in six months seems unrealistic to me, but who knows. I like a man that is motivated, and I'm definately ready to stop putting my money into a landlords pocket.
Tomorrow, Madame Dustbuffalo and I will be going to the expo. I'm stoked. A class of some sort with the Tibetan monks is just what i'd love right now. I'm very excited. I am determined to finish my fall cleaning this weekend so that by the time full moon gets here, I can air everything out one last time before it's time to shut the windows.
I started my day today by chewing out my area manager. I am so blunt sometimes. This time I was over the line. Over enough for my conscience to bother me enough to call him back and apologize for the way that I handled it.
Humble pie is made of kitty litter.
Anyhooo.
I took the cat box to the power wash today. Now it's really really really clean.
I've been fighting a bit of a cold, and I am hoping to whip it tonight.
I did another terrible thing. I wore sandals with socks. Indoors.... indoors only. But yet, I can still feel old age creeping up on me.
I've not yet heard from my x ray results. Monday is day 10, so that is the latest that I am supposed to hear from them. We will see. I've been compensating for the pain in my back and feet by walking with an uneven stride and my right hip about aggravated me to the point i was considering a cane or a staff. I mean, I have three of them.... staves.... but no cane, and yet, I think I may want one. Terrible to be so ready to accept that. I just keep doing yoga and I've adapted some sleeping habits to try and correct the problem. I believe a memory foam mattress is not far away.
I've been drinking water, lemon, and stevia. It's doing the hydration trick because nothing else is. I'm tired of buying different teas...... although earl grey, honey and soymilk would be fantastic on a day like today.
*goes to brew a pot of water*
ok, well, i'm going out to my car in my socks and sandles to get my sportsbottle.
then i'm going to finish my fall cleaning. Then, I am going to do nothing but play soft music and light incense until i decide i'm tired, then i'm going to go to bed.
I believe that things will be different and I will pick back up into my regular lively self by spring time. Let's hope.
Ok, this entry, if I had a file, would be filed under crap. because it's crap because I can't really think of much to journal about because my room is in the back of my mind.... CLEAN ME LINDA... CLEAN MEEEEEEE
oy.
Today is the first time that I've had my bread machine out since the summer heat began to be too much to have things baking in the house. Autumn has clearly settled upon us. Cold in the shade, warm in the sun. Must take jacket with you even if it is too warm to be wearing it when you leave the house.
Today, I have to finish organizing the wedding pictures that I did about 2 weeks ago, and then I will be free of them. I know it sounds strange, but I really don't like holding on to them. I like having them done quickly, and out of my responsibility quickly. This doesn't always happen, but I don't know that it's ever taken me longer than a month to get them to their proper owners, and usually it takes less than 2 weeks.
This last wedding was a huge learning experience for me. While there are some things that I wish I could do better... I am still pleased with what I have done. I know that once I actually get some schooling and get to learn a little more about my camera, that I will be all the better.
Tomorrow, I am going to an event with Mike, we'll be sitting at a vending table. Unfortunately, I do not have much to contribute to this vending. This is truly unfortunate because the items I was going to make would have flown out the door and I could have had an easy extra lump of cash at a time it would have been most appreciated. Ah, well, another learning experience.
I have started my fall cleaning. That usually means shuffling a mess into a neater looking mess, dusting everything, scrubbing the floors on hands and knees, and the grand finale : bathing, drying, and brushing the cats, with the slight bribery of catnip and canned cat food to help them cope. Then, the windows go from full open, to mostly closed, and the fan moves from the window to the floor. Lots of incense, lots of sage burning, and the first possible chance afterwards, I get myself a manicure, pedicure, massage, and I take off for a day to an undisclosed location with my choice of crocheting, reading, whatever sounds good to me that morning I wake up.
By the time all this is done, Thanksgiving is usually very close, and then I prepare for hibernation.
I hate being out during the holiday shopping season. Groups of people who are all trying to get this year's coveted toy and pretend to be nice to people they don't talk to all year long, it bothers me. Maybe some of you don't believe in empathy... or being an empath, but I swear, I can *feel* the 'holiday spirit' as it lingers around for a month and a half in some sort of crazed mix of human emotions, and then turns into depression in january to mid february as people who have seasonal depression disorder, and the stack of bills from the holidays they've burried themselves under... just walking around. I can barely wait for spring.
I've had SDD, and I've found that the only way that I combat it well is to celebrate each season for what it is in my life, what it does for nature, regular exercise, getting some sunlight every day, even if it is only for a few minutes, having friends and family over for dinner (on days other than the holidays... imagine that) and staying as far away from those who don't realize that they have it.
Hibernation is coming. And it is a good and wonderful thing. I am looking forward to the copious loaves of frozen bread dough I will make, the frozen cookie dough, the 'so many beans' soup, stews, pomanders, pine combs with peanutbutter and bird seed to hang from the trees with strands of yarn. Hot tea after breathing cold air, And something I'm ecstatic about : stockings. Not the stockings that you get from Scotland, that are the best in the world... but stockings that you stuff for wee ones. I've been hiding a secret. Of all the holiday mess of presents... I always loved the stockings the best. This year, I hope to create that for 3 very important people in my life. M (15 in November) B (8 in January), and my staffmaker.... He'll have 2 stockings.... one he can open in front of the kids... and one he cant.... >:)