any contact with john's family is over. i can't even get in touch with his sister the only one left that would talk to me. don't know if my email is blocked, but i suspect as much with the strange error message.
i don't know wether to be happy or sad. technically, when people leave or cut you off that don't truly care about you, that's them doing you a favor. So I should be thankful for less future drama. And i feel like i should be sad for losing a sister.
at this moment, i am numb. i feel like F*&# it. despite my best efforts over the past year i am coming into the new year with less friends than i had going in.
it's been a rough year. and i know that i've not exactly been sociable, but i like to think that when it comes down to the nitty gritty, the people that i love, that love me in return know that i am there if really needed.
i can't stand codependency, (even if i suffer relapses :P) and i can't tolerate passive aggressive.
whatever happens will be. whatever happens was meant to be. whatever happens, happens for a reason.
know it. believe it.
let it go.
Turkey day was not fun. Basically, I spent it at home alone, luxuriating in the bathtub, nursing cramps, and napping. The delicate nature of our relationship and the juggling of when to meet who, who's ready to meet me/ not ready, and who doesn't have a potentially biased opinion made it the best bet to stay home. Not to mention the delicate situation with K. I didn't deal with the situation as best as I'd like to. There was a lot of loneliness and feeling bad. (aka pity party) and anger, but it was the best decision, it was a decision that I helped make a few months back, and it is for the best right now.
The day after Turkey day was awesome. We had both M and B, and had our own improvised Dinner. Turkey breast in the crock pot, and assorted items. My bread went over in spades. The kids each had two large pieces. I couldn't get out of working on black friday, but it was only a four hour shift, and it left some alone time for the kids with their dad. Afterwards, we suprised them by taking them to see Harry Potter 4.
The day was just great. Mike pulled the, 'what are you thankful for', and I just about bawled.
I really want black bean soup right now.
The idea of Christmas is a lot more fun when you have kids.
I miss my nephews. I haven't seen them in a while.
Saturdays are my 12 hour workdays. On the same day, Mike went to columbus and acquired our stove and fridge. Thank God. There's some major cleaning of the stove that is neccessary, but when you buy it for 25 bucks, you don't complain. You just clean.
With the fridge and stove in place, I am just about to whip that kitchen into some sort of organization. I can't wait to start baking. I think that the next time that the kids come over we will make cookie dough to freeze. Or a ginger bread house. That sounds like fun to me. I don't know if they will like that, but we will see. It's worth a try.
They really like the homemade ice cream. Suprisingly easy to make. We've decided that when they come over we will make it a game night for one night, and then movie night the next night. We are so into this.
After the kitchen is whipped into shape, the dining room will be next. We've been using the dining room as a storage area. One side has a ton of leather working stuff, and the other side has my junk. It's starting to annoy me. grrrr.
I hate packing/moving/unpacking. I swear next time we are getting movers. Trying to get people to help is like pulling teeth.
Next thing to purchase is washer and dryer.
Ok, I'm out.
love you all.
When last I wrote, I was woe-ing about the 'M' thing while I updated at the library, and tried so very hard not to be offended that she didn't want to meet me. I dragged all that morning. My mantra was swiftly becoming, 'Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'll just go eat worms.' I was half heartedly trying to find something to do in Dayton, and looking for jobs. When I look at my phone and it said '2 voicemails'.
I call my voicemail and I hear my love say, "Hey, I gotta couple of fine young people who want to meet you." Insert the part where I close every window on the computer, grab my stuff and run out the door so fast that everyone looked up from their computer.
The kids arrived while I was at the library and they took a tour of the house. They saw the picture of Mike and I, that I have framed in the living room. M says,"So, where is she?"
To which Mike says.... "She's out doing her own thing today, and we were giving you the space that you wanted. Did you want to meet her?"
She said, "Yes."
Of course, there was the part where Mike probably nearly drove her crazy saying, "We can wait till the next time. There's no hurry." And she stated that she definately wanted to meet me.
Turns out that M was told by her biological father that it wasn't appropriate to meet me, but in fact she did want to meet me. Her biological father has a way of manipulating M's visitation time with her mother with the admitted intent of her spending as little time as possible with Mike, and give other problems with the admitted intent of causing problems in the marriage.
And of course K (the mother) had a fit when it was all done because she said that Mike had 'promised' that I would not be there.
No. He had not promised. He told her that our plans were to ease the kids into it. It wasn't a promise made to her. It was an explanation of what was going on in our household. But, due to financial things that were beyond our control it wasn't going to work that way. Things went over famously when he informed her that she wasn't going to dictate what went on "our" home, and that she wasn't going to do the same thing that M's father had done. (Manipulate visitation time based on when I was home.)
As you can see, it's all drama. But neither Mike or I are buying into it. Planet Earth is where we are, and we are just staying grounded and refusing to react.
Then K mentions something about a birthday party with everyone there. Including me. Nope. Sorry, too soon for that. M's birthday is not the time to meet, and I'm not ready, and I know she's not ready.
Anyhow, the visit with the kids went wonderfully. It was fantastic. When they were both gone, we just sort sat around and blinked in disbelief.
I am employed. Finally. Not for very much, but more than Wendy's offered and doing a lot less than I had to do, even as crew. The schedule sucks for the moment, but it's a supplemental income to Mike's, and it is helping to ease things in.
Moving stuff from my storage unit has been crap. Either undependable help, or unable to go at a time that's convenient. Or inconveniencing my former roomate. Or not being able to get a hold of the person that I was going to buy a stove and refrigerator from. Oh, and being sick. I'm better now. But, Mike isn't feeling well, and B was sick all weekend.
Life seems to have thrown a few curve balls for the time being, but it will get better soon. I am just relieved to be here, and to see him everyday, and just be one step closer to what we want.
So, I'm in Dayton. Yes, I'm plussed, but truly exhausted. Not to mention unemployed. I applied at a Wendy's here as just crew, and even with all my experience and knowlege.... they wanted to start me at 6.75 an hour. That just isn't acceptable. I told her that I knew what salary cap was, and that it was 8.50, and she said she 'just couldn't justify it to her other employees' at which point I said I didn't understand how anyone else had to know what I made an hour.
Of course, being unemployed has freaked me right out. I hate it.
The moving process has been crap. And it's not even really begun compared to what still needs done.
The house that my Beloved selected is great. It needs a bit of work here and there, but we figured as much and went for what we *knew* we could get.
Three bedrooms, basement, attic, spacious. Large kitchen with a breakfast nook that has an art deco tile table... and the kitchen is done in yellow. This is nice because I've had a thing for yellow lately. Not like it's a favourite or anything, but I enjoy yellow. A decent amount of cabinet space... 9 foot ceilings.... It's great.
However... it was filthy. FILTHY. I have been using what I call 'ghetto-sol' Which is simply 1 large squirt bottle filled with: 1 part bleach, 9 parts water, 1-2 tablespoons of NON-antibacterial dishsoap. This is so cheap, but it works beautifully. Everything just shines. And depending on the dishsoap you get
the scent of clean can be anything you want. Right now, when you walk into my home, you can smell green apples with a hint of bleach.
The bathroom... we are affectionately calling 'Frankensteins'. One part of the bathroom was done when it was built, and then they remodled... re-mottled is more likely the term. It's truly a hodge podge eyesoar. It looks like a nightmare out of the eighties. And I like the eighties. One of the bedrooms is painted terra cotta. The master bedroom is painted grey and someone did a shit job of using navy blue sponging. The resulting affect is faces and figures that both Mike and I spend a good deal of time pointing out what exactly we see. It reminds me of a four walled imitation of 'The Gates of Hell' by Rodin. (I believe that's who did that... too lazy to check right now.)
The place is old enough, with enough strange noises to give me the heebeejeebees when I'm alone.
The cats are happy to no longer be confined to one room, and are running crazily back and forth, up the stairs, down the stairs.
Oh, and it has a laundry chute. That kicks ass.
The kids are at the house today. M has requested that I not be there 'the first time that she goes to the new place'. Which is what I wanted anyways, but still a bit offensive because well... she doesn't want to meet me yet. Her mother has told her too much of the situation (we won't even begin to go into the part about how wrong it is to confide in a 14 year old like they are an adult). Not to mention that the information she's been getting is biased. So, she may never want to meet me. I have to accept that. Not to mention, she's 14 everything is dramatic at that age. The thing that I am trying to be happy about is that Mike get's to see her. You see, biologically, she's not his. That's never mattered to him. He loves her so much, and there was more than a reasonable doubt that she would be able to visit. I don't mind giving her some space and letting her adapt, but this is the last time that I will be 'asked not to be in my own home.' I will mention that Mike asked me first after M asked him, and this was my decision.
With the holidays around the corner, I am not sure how things are going to work.
I hate being unemployed. Monday, I am taking myself directly to the job center and applying to all the jobs that I possibly can.
Really, I just want to settle in, and enjoy what we've worked so hard to get to.