apparently i have problems with anxiety. gives a nice little label to something i've dealt with for so long and had thought all along it was just a reaction to stress.
well i'm doing some reading about it, and it's helping a lot.
other than that, i'm workin 48- 56 hours a week right now. Lets hope I can afford the internet very soon.
that would be lovely.
Oh how I love Midol. I've a rough last couple of bouts with Aunt Flo, today at work, it hit me full force. I fought tears and thrummed my fingers and did everything that I could to try and block it as I waited the 2 hours it took for the Midol to take hold.
Now that the edge is off... I'm probably ten times easier to get along with.
Today, even though I've had terrible cramps to start the day, I feel pretty good. I am looking for some new mantras. I always comes back to "Whatever happens will be. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Whatever happens is fully aware that it's being inconvenient :p."
Tommorow, Friday, and Monday, I get to watch B in the evenings. We get him for five days in a row. This is huge. It was actually at the request of K, who is going away to VA for a few days. Of course, I was the last option, but I was still called upon, and she's put my name in at his school for people that can pick B up. I knew eventually, when it came down to it, Mike would put my name in. But actually, she's been quite agreeable for the last few weeks. Mike and I believe that she is 'getting some'... finally. And she's moving on.
My house still looks like we are camping. Whenever the moula catches up with us (it should be this month considering tax return, Mike's unemployment checks, my extra hours) We will be purchasing furniture. All at once. We will have a moving day with some friends... I'll feed them, etc etc.
The landlord came to me yesterday and I didn't recognize him at first. We've had a horrid time with our new neighbors. He was offering temporary shelter at the request of DMHA, and it was a mistake. As best as we can tell, it's a young mother and an infant. The young mother has company at all hours of the night, they have fights with each other. The infant, ( my guess ) is less than six months and it screams at the top of it's lungs. I don't care about infants crying. That's a fact of life. But hearing her literally scream at it to shut up, and feeling powerless to say or do anything about it, while there's an innocent little baby who has no clue why its mother is screaming at it... It's distressing to me. People like that pick the old scab of "Why does she get to have a baby, and I didn't" Of course it's a pointless question, but the maternal urge to smack her and try to soothe the infant is nearly overwhelming. Anyhow, the landlord sincerely apologizes, etc etc. I told him that We didnt' fault him for doing what he thought was right.
You know, I'm kinda caught off guard right now. I nearly banked on this job I was interviewing for. I was planning what to do to get ready, what to eat while temporarily living in a motel room, who to see, things to do while I was away, etc etc.
Presumptuous? Conceited?
Hopefully... Possibly...
Well, I didn't get it. All of a sudden, I am plan-less. I am never plan-less. It feels sorta like tripping and falling on your face. Given the amount of balance and grace I have, I'm used to this feeling. It's definately the same.
I thrive on routine and plans. So I am now sorta disconnected from my "this is the end result, this is the thing that I want, this is just what you have to do until you get there," attitude (if you follow me). And I have to say that I am somewhat enjoying what I previously called "just existing"... Others would say that's a preliminary condition to "relaxing", but I always thought relaxing was for vacation and for when everything is done.
Well everything's not done, and I'm still sitting at the computer saying "f*** it for now." and it feels good. Or maybe it's the midol. Who cares... right now?