I'd like to clarify that I meant House is over, as in for the season, not fin, finito, etc. Sorry Loki. I'd blow a gasket for sure if there wasn't House next season. I'm quite sure it will come back, it seems to have a pretty loyal fan base. And it's growing. The USA network in my area runs last years season, so all those Tuesday nights I had to work, I can now catch up.
It's bloody hot outside. I'm glad. I couldn't stand the winter, and the weather just two weeks ago was akin to mid March.
Mike and I stopped by the hippie retreat this weekend. Mike used to be in high demand at the festivals, by the ladies. That's to say, they had a lot of demands, but he ran the other way. One particular previous interested female decided that she was going to parade about in matching bra and panties right in front of him whilst I was drumming and dancing. The drumming circle was about 30 feet from the inducting ceremony to a rather fun group. She is 'Queen Bee' of that group. I watched with amusement as I circled the fire and saw her prancing about while Mike was working on some leather pieces. I could not *wait* to tease the crap out of him. I go back to drumming and dancing. Next time I look over. Mike has turned his chair completely around so that he absolutely doesn't have to look at that. She was slightly offended.
I love my man. I still teased him. I had to.
I am entertaining the notion of taking some drumming classes, or getting some sort of home tutorial. Our drumming circles are so weak now, that even my one beat drumming ends up leading. If I am going to lead, then I'd rather lead right. It was an odd moment last night when I realized that I was in fact, the leader for the whole hour that I was drumming. It takes a ton of concentration to hang on to the beat anyways. Now I have to hang on to the beat because everyone else is hanging on to it too.
Oh how I love dancing around a bonfire.
I was happy to see that the organization that I was a part of had a really great turn out.
They are in the midst of a legal battle because of discrimination. It seems to happen every time we find a decent campsite. The local religious get their knickers in a twist and put some heat on the establishment that rents to us. That establishment (ignorantly) decides to tell us that we can't come back.
Dumbasses. Now, instead of paying 450.00 for a campsite, they had to find one and pay 4500.00. Believe me, it's difficult to find a campsite for memorial day and labor day weekends that has the ammenities that a potential outcome of 300 need.
Mike and I missed the place so much that we visited one day, then went home and decided to come back the next night. Mike donated some staves to the auction and they let us in butt cheap. We stayed over night last night, and I tell you, that was just the thing that the doctor ordered. We got to catch up with a bunch of friends and I got to talk to Susan.
If any of you remember, I originally moved to Kentucky with Susan. I've seen her twice since then, when she happened to come through my drive thru. I was unable to actually talk to her, until this weekend, and we decided to patch things up. Nobody's perfect. I missed her. Things seem to be back on the up and up. Yay.
I was happy to see quite a few friends that I'd not seen in a while. It gave me a bit of hope for the organization. Another thing that I noticed is that there were a lot of families with children. It's supposed to be a family organization, previously, that meant a handful of kids, even when we had large events. Now, I am pleased to see that there is growth.
I'd really like to see some people step up for leadership and some fresh faces in the meetings. If I wasn't busy this next year with restarting my business, the potential for school, trying to get settled into my household, I believe that Mike and I would probably go. I just can't get sucked back into all of that.
If Mike and I ever have a ceremony, (that's how we word it, I'm not really ready to talk about legalizing our relationship) I'm half tempted to have it at a hippie retreat so that you all will have to come to one. Put it in your noggin, it's quite a LONG time away. :P
Now, I must clean house. In the heat. Bleah.
I love that Taylor Hicks won American Idol. I'd loved him from the beginning.
I was torn between him and Paris, as far as I who I wanted to see go all the way. I must say, that I did not think that America would pick Taylor. I am pleasantly impressed, and can not wait to see what he brings.
Also, I love James Blunt, "Goodbye My Lover." I saw him sing that song on Oprah, and I swear every female in the audience needed new undies. I love EXPRESSIVE singing. Original Lyrics. Crafty, emotional. Fantastic. No, I don't wanna jump him. (To borrow an old and beloved phrase from Prism) I want to chase him with a stick of butter. Two cookies to anyone who can remember who Prism said she wanted to chase with a stick of butter.
I can say that 90% of the time, the BELTING songstresses, and overdone R&B male whoah-oh-oh-oh-ohhhh where they change the note ten times in one syllable is old, and I'm waiting for the evolution. Boyz II Men are the best in that area, and no one can do it like them.
I like Velvet Revolver... waiting for them to bring more.
Tonight, I have ventured into the world of writing again. It seems to be finally coming out. I've been thinking about a story for about 3 years, that I couldn't decide if it was a screenplay or a book. It seems to be a book. I was at work the other night and I found the characters interacting in my mind.... and here we go again.
I'm not usually a subscriber to the enthusiasm of Wednesday being hump day, because I just think that two more days of work... is still two more days of work. Today, I'm actually relieved it's Thursday. I thought it was Wednesday. I seem to be doing that. I always do that when I've been on auto pilot for too long. I didn't do that at Wendy's because I had to know the date every day, and with a varying schedule, I had to be aware. But right now, I don't really have any need to be aware of the time just flying by.... It's nearly June....
Work is work. There's no real consistency to it even though I'm on the same job every night. I tried to be a help last night by helping the line to my left keep moving.... They supply the parts to keep me moving. Well, it turns out that the boss saw me helping, figured that I could handle BOTH jobs (something he tried to get me to do my third day, and I told him I could not do it. I still can not do it) He never told me to do it, and never left anyone else to do it. I really dislike bosses like him. This is a great opportunity for me to learn something. That something is that I am a temp. I should stick to the job that I was assigned, and do nothing more. It's sad, because I really have the desire to be a great employee. But my help is actually hurting the judgement of my boss. My boss has gotten greedy, and I have to realize that he's not the same type of boss that I was. He'd rather set up a system that makes more money, even at the compromise of his production, rather than set up a team that makes a ton more money and helps each other. I get it. This is my job... this is what I will do. Nothing more.
Hopefully, I can maintain this assignment while I go to school It's supposed to be long term. We'll see. There's always something else.
This weekend, B is going to Virginia with his mommy, so we are kidless this weekend. I look at Mike and I say, " I don't know what to do this weekend since B isn't going to be here." He laughed.
I'm a bit cranky today.... Yesterday was the last day of my favorite show, "Starting Over" for the season, and there's been rumor that it won't return. I'm ususally not one to put much into rumors, but I care enough about the show to make a little phone call to NBC about keeping it. I've enlisted Mike to also make a call... My next plan is to enlist Dusty. You've been warned.
Oh, and my other show "House"... That's over too. Damnit.
Go on, bait me with reruns.
I was all set to visit Lady on Sunday. I was finally going to do it. Things were pretty tense the month leading up to when I moved out. It was just time. Conversations by phone were uncomfortable, and visiting, I believed would be even more so. Not to mention, I've been unable.
I was talking to her on Saturday, and she seems to still have a new and positive attitude that I was hoping was permanent. She is continuing to grow. I thought I'd come visit. Well, my right rear tire thought otherwise. It blew, I had to replace it.
(Insert muscular manly poses and grunts, punctuated with beating my chest)
I can change my own damn flat tire.
Turns out my donut tire needed air too. If it had not needed air, I would have gone anyways. But I didn't want to trust it because it obviously looked used before, and low air was just a warning of another flat to come.
I called Lady, and usually this sort of news that I wasn't coming would have created tension. She was really good about it and I have a lot of hope for a healthy future relationship with her.
I want to learn how to make laurel bay leaf soap. It's a very old custom. Mike and I love the soap. We happened upon it at the Cedar Cafe. I am such a soap whore.. I had to try it. Its first impression didn't stick with me.... It's not a cosmetically pretty soap, and it doesn't really lather up heavy duty. Being a soap whore... the lather factor is very important.
I used it a couple of times here and there... Then I noticed something. The stuff was really good on my face. Turns out it's really good on Mike's face. Now, I want to make the soap because the Cedar Cafe is closed, and finding a bar of the stuff that is already in the states looks to be like a needle in the haystack.
I wish Mohammed hadn't closed the Cedar Cafe. I really enjoyed his deli.
I believe I'll stick to my original plan. I want to go to photography school and own my own business. I believe that this isn't the only way, but the best way to what I want. Not to mention, what I will need: A retirement plan. I believe that I've always wanted the business, but lacked the confidence in my ability. Not to say that I didn't think that I was artistic enough, but I was racked with the realization that I just took wedding pictures for someone.... What if I messed up? These are the permanent things. These are the things that live on after all the fuss dies down. If every wedding was outdoors on a beautiful day, then... no problem. But trying to adjust the lighting by either opening or closing the lens, or adding flash, or not being able to use flash (as most churches prefer) It was too much guess work, and I found that at the end, I took so many pictures, I couldn't remember what I did to make this effect or that effect.
Anyhow, it boils down to I want to know as naturally as breathing the way that a camera and all it's bells and whistles works. I want it to be near effortless. This will not only add to my confidence, it will allow me to concentrate on other things like not missing a picture.
I am not sure when I'll go. I believe it will be this fall, If I can help it at all. It is going to be difficult. I will have to work full time, go to school full time, and probably miss out on a lot of time with Mike and the kids this year. But I absolutely can not accept the style of life I've been living until I retire. Only to retire to no Social Security, and a pittance for a pension.
I want a house... I want a life... I want to be able to help put the kids through college...
When I am done with that school, I plan on taking up a few classes at the local college to get a few business courses under my belt. I am already business minded, but I admit to having little knowlege in regards to taxes and legalities.
Strange... I smell sandalwood.
I started my new job about a week and a half ago. Its not terrible. It's a job, and hopefully my assignment will turn permanent. There's always the drama of production vs equipment, and in some part, lack of training. I think I annoy my coworkers... it seems, I care too much. Oh, and I operate like a team member. Damn good thing I'm cute, they look past the annoyance. :P I've developed a "I don't care, this is the way I do my job until they tell me something different, and you can like it or lump it..." attitude.
I am sure that if you know me, you will know that technology is not always my friend. Today, I am doing some long awaited maintenance on my Ipod files, computer, emails, and such... Oh stuff that I've probably put off for over a year... maybe 2 years. I just don't like very much this sort of maintenance.
I had a low battery scare with Mina, my mini Ipod. I ran her battery clear down to nothing.
I plugged her in to the computer... No little apple on the screen.
I plugged her in to the wall... No little apple.
I repeated the process a few times and lamented. I was certain I'd need a new battery and that she was out of comission.
Today, while I was updating my stuffs, I thought I'd give it once last go... the little icon with exclamation point and battery came up, and I quickly hurried it to the wall... plugged her in, and voila!!!! the blessed little apple appeared.
Mike and I celebrated not having any money by spending some... You know how that goes... I bought a few nused CD's at 2nd Time Around. I bought 3 Peter Gabriel CD's. I love that man. I think that he just has such a fantastic voice and such beautiful lyrics that I just dig him. Not to mention he's a tad bit strange, so it jives with my artist mojo.
I also bought the Cranberries, No Need to Argue, and The Counting Crows, August and Everything After.
Want to kill your musical collection and play catch up for several years? Be married for 11 years, and lose half your stash. Suck for certain.
Anyhow, These CD's are getting uploaded, and I figure... while uploading, might as well start deleting old emails, and erasing shit I don't need anymore.
So much fun, I don't know if I can handle it.
If you don't know, triggers are things that happen in your life that can set off a response in you. One that is conditioned. A reaction so quick to deal with things that are happening, a protection of sorts.
Want to trigger me? Fuck with my money. Want to really trigger me? Fuck with my money and disorient me in the same day.
I grow so tired of deprogramming the junk that I've built up as defense mechanisms. Yet, In some way I thrive on it. Nothing like a crisis to set me in motion.
I believe that because I spent so many years living paycheck to paycheck, in high anxiety, that anytime financially strenuous comes my way, I have a fear of ending up poor and alone. My ex didn't want to keep a job... I had so much anxiety at home that any catalyst from work just tipped my scales. I've gone from job to job to job to job. Even now, when I know that things are going to be okay, that Mike isn't just going to call off because he's mad at the world, he isn't going to jeopardize our living situation as a vindictive maneuver, and that he want's what's best for us, I am still triggered by monetary obstacles. And it's not as easy as saying, well, Mike isn't John.
Well, Now, I am trying to settle down. I am realizing something that I didn't realize before. Oddly enough, I am finding that everything is boiling down to equations.
If I want security, I must first find independence.
If I want to look a certain way, I have to exercise a certain amount, and eat a certain way.
A+B=C
So, I look again to a career. I do not wish to return to restaurant management. I am weighing some alternatives. I will be making a decision shortly, but it's time to put my house and myself in order first. I've given myself until the end of summer to get my stuff together so that I can properly focus on a goal... whatever that goal is:
Photographer?
Manager?
Possible respiratory therapist?
Physical therapist?
Pharmacist?
Counselor?
Anything that I want to do is going to require some schooling. I think that I may be able to get a few grants or some sort of aide. But those are a few of the options I'm considering.
Today was a rough day. I got lost... which I should be used to by now. Dayton is the worst place for landmarks. Every damn street looks the same.. and nothing really dominates the skyline in any way to get bearings. If I have errands... I know I'm getting lost and I can manage getting lost one time in one day, but twice in one day when you are trying to run some errands before you start your new job.... It's hard to keep that positive attitude going. Such is life.
I don't know why, but I am having such a time of things lately. Things are getting better, and there is hope on the horizon. I have a wonderful man who is enough to bring me to tears to think about sometimes.
I've started running again... well elliptical machine running. And I mean full tilt kick ass- burn some calories- get out some of the negativity- get euphoric with runner's glory.... and just keep going. I usually run myself sleepy. I forgot how ravenous you become after running. I've had to beef up... ehmmm... tofu up my breakfast in order to cover the 300- 600 calorie burn. Gotta love those digital counters. I find that if I don't have a snack and some extra water waiting for me when I get to the car, and wait until I get home, I can and will eat everything in sight, just as long as it's not attatched.... or plugged in.
I have been doing 1.5 hours of housework M-F in an attempt of finishing organization and maintenance of the home. I've finally hit that point where I am starting to look for stuff to do to fill the time. Dusty can vouch for me... My front room looks like I've just moved in.
All in all, though I know things are hard right now, I know that they are getting better, and that I am starting to see things a little more clearly.
You can lead a horse to water....
I was right. Can't complete the test (due to no fault of my own), No job.
Fuck.
edit:
Since I'm not one to lay down and take it, I called the other temp service and thought that I'd at least try to see if they have an opening.
They have an opening. It starts tomorrow. Gotta take a drug test, which I always pass.
This past week has flown. It seems sometimes that I've just put an entry up, and that nothing has happened since I've written... so what do I write?
Well....
I went to an abilities test today. It's supposed to tell how likely you are to get an injury. My temp to hire has finally decided to follow through. The only real condition of employment is the abilities test. They check the strength and range of motion of your knees, shoulders, and back. There have been reports of this dreaded thing, and that the high rate of turnover at my plant is due to this test. I've observed things to the contrary. Usually, when you have a poor work ethic, then you end up fired. That's what I've deduced is the true problem.
I decided to be very zen about the abilities test. I would not treat it like the boogie man coming to take my job away. I would just go and do it, do my best, and leave knowing that I could do nothing more.
That being said... I will find out tonight or tomorrow morning.
I don't think that I passed. That is actually based on probability vs. fear/panic. The machine that they use to measure your back strength wasn't designed with me in mind. No matter what way they lock me into this medival looking thing, there was the end of a bar sticking straight into my back.
No back measurement... probably no job. Will an exception be made for little ol' me? It's possible. I work very hard. (As most workaholics do.)
I've been struggling with something. The concept that we are born with as women. We take care of the home. Then came the feminist movement, and we wanted jobs outside of the home. Did this movement truly help us? Or did it just double our work? We not only have to work, we still are the major caretakers of our homes.
Can someone tell me when the masculinity movement is going to take place?
You know, the one to balance the feminist movement? The one where men say, "Yes! Our women our now breadwinners too! We have been supressing the urge for thousands of years to keep house. Now that our women are working, let's keep house too! Let us define our masculinity by the appearance of our house. Let us make cool macho aprons with sayings like, "Have you seen the ass on this one?" (That's fucking brilliant, btw.)
I am fortunate, my man is thoughtful, willing, affectionate, doting, and generous. Yet, I find that I'd like a better compromise on the definition of messy vs. clean. This isn't to say that he's a slob and we are living in a stye. Maybe (to borrow something my ex used to say) I am a little obsessive on the housekeeping. All I know, is that I can not relax in a (what I think is a) messy home.
I feel like the spoiled brat who has a 50lb Easter basket, yet wanted the 52lber.
I suppose the real problem is that I'm sorta stomping my feet and saying "It's not fair!"
But the truth is if I want my version of clean, then I'd better clean it. This is life.
Though, I reserve the right to blame something. Today, it's the feminist movement.... AF has absolutely nothing to do with it.
*glare*
*goes back to my cleaning*
I've had a helluva day.
I usually try not to speak about finances on line, but I'm going for the gold.
Today I got pulled over on my way to work. The officer asks me if I have insurance. I have insurance.... I don't have my insurance card.
Insert panic. I can't even remember the number to my insurance company and the likelihood of an officer believing you when you say, "Yeah, I have insurance." Is not... likely. So, I open my trusty cell phone, to call information, and It's Madame Buffalo. The phone hadn't even rung.
"Now's not a good time Dusty, I'm getting pulled over."
She understands, I call Geico, I get all my info, Mr Officer understands. Yay.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No." Honestly, I drive very cautiously. I had no clue why I was being pulled over.
"Your plates are 2 months expired."
"But I just went to the BMV...."
for the Saturn... not for Isabelle.
Shit. My plates are in fact 2 months expired.
He lets me go on a warning to have it taken care of immediately.
I call off of work, go home, and try to collect myself. I am going to go out and get my stuff done, but I swear, nothing frazzles me more than the potential of having to shell out more money than I'm willing to part with. Even if it's for yarn. I just dislike spending money... And I hoard things..... You guys have absolutely no idea just how much lotion, shampoo, conditioner and soap, I have.
I think it's just from living paycheck to paycheck for so many years, that I feel that if I don't stock up, I won't have enough.
On top of all the fun, I had a horrible experience with my taxes. As in, I had to pay. I claimed 0. I should be getting a refund. Nope, I basically broke even. I paid the Fed Gov 150, and was refunded 150. But, then I had to pay 100 for H&R Block... who weren't very helpful at all.
I believe the problem occured with the question:
Have you had any medical bills last year?
I said, "You mean, like co pays and x-rays?"
"Yeah."
"Well, yeah, 300.00"
But what I failed to realize until I got home and sloshed it around my baffled brain... I wonder if Insurance premiums are deductible... I mean I've heard the term 'pre taxable income'... Dinno. Gonna call H&R block.
Now, I filed them on time, but that's been bothering me this long because it just seems impossible... not to mention crushing. I had things to buy with that refund.
Not to mention angry because my sister who doesn't work nearly as hard, has 2 kids that she relies upon assistance for, and just all around makes bad decisions... gets over 3000.00 refund. I just don't understand why this country pays people to be ignorant and unemployable.
Let's add that we have an unexpected expense of 750.00 that we just found out about this morning.
Let's add that we are missing 1 week of pay (each) in both April and May. That's 2 weeks pay, and another friggin bill. We are going to be late paying everything this month, and it sucks. It may interfere with going to the hippy retreat for Memorial Day. That will suck more.
It's times like this that I have to keep telling myself, " You've been in worse situations, and you've pulled through."
I called off of work, My head was done in.
I called Dusty back. She says, "Actually, I was calling because I had a feeling that something was wrong with someone."
Excellent intuition Madame Bflo. Excellent that you listened to them.
Now, I'm gonna try and pick myself up off of the floor and get my tags renewed, and call H&R Block, and see about getting some of my money back.
:P
Cross your fingers.