I've not been much into music lately. Not as much as I'd like. I just seem to hit a place where I am unimpressed, or uninspired by what's being put out. Or maybe I've fallen into the trap of just listening to what I've got on my Ipod over and over.
Although, within the past month, I have enjoyed hearing for the first time:
Don't Wait by Dashboard Confessional
The heart beats in it's cage by The Strokes
Work is work. It's hot and miserable. I've been drinking Gatorade and have discovered by accident that apparently there is something in Gatorade, that I'm not getting in my diet... even when I'm eating completely correct. So, getting sick was actually a good thing since I've been drinking about 1 or 2 a day, and I don't feel the fatigue that I had been feeling. I was wondering if I might have developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
I am working on putting out letters to the surrounding hospitals and nursing homes to see if I can get anyone to take me on.
I have less than 2 weeks until I have vacation with my father. I'm really excited. He has a lot of stuff planned. I am just glad to see my family. To touch ground again in that small town that my Grandmother lives in. To put my feet in the creek in her front yard. Now that my dad knows I have a tattoo, I am going to see about getting him to take a picture of my feet in the creek. I think it might be something you'd have to experience to understand. I've been having a weird idea about taking pictures of my barefeet wherever I travel.
I'm doing a lot of organizational stuff in my life and home. I'm trying to get things as situated as possible before I begin nursing school. I feel like I have no time already, I am sure that going to school will only intensify the feeling. Oh well. Time to put the head forward and pull the plow.
You know, I do enjoy being female. As much as I may bitch about PMS, or AF... I have to say that I enjoy that 'high mood swing'. You know the one when you turn around after 3 hours and realize that your whole house is clean and you are holding a scrub brush in one of your rubber gloved hands, and a squirt bottle of disinfectant in the other, sweating and daring a fleck of dest to fall.
After a 24 hour visit from the intestinal virus faerie, I am doing much better. Yesterday, I stayed in bed all day. I was too weak from lack of hydration, food intake, and just the general soreness from wretching. Nothing feels as good as a cold tile bathroom floor when you feel like you are going to pass out. Even though I was ready to pass out complete with ringing in my ears... I still looked at the bathroom floor and thought... boy it needs cleaned.
I have debated my future career, and I know that it seems that I've been wishy washy. The goal is to end up as photographer. But I realize that I need something a little more stable and solid, a safety net. I believe that I will be enrolling in RN school as soon as I can find out the info for it. (When I return from my vacation)
I have, as it seems, a five year plan.
Follow along if you wish.
Year 1
RN school, work full time
Year 2
RN school, work full time
I will try to get whatever financial aide/ govt assistance I can get that could possibly supplement my income so that I can possibly work PT and focus on my grades. My goal is to get straight A's. That's really scarey considering that science and math were never my strong points in school. But I think that I have a better attitude than when I was a student before.
The decision on RN is that I know that LPN is a crap job, it's quicker to get into, sure it's more money than the next, but comparitively, LPN is a harder job with less pay than RN, for just 1 more year of schooling. Not to mention that RN's make a decent amount of money. The job has openings across the country. I could move anywhere, and be comfortable that I would have something to fall back on.)
Year 3
Work as RN
Pay off RN school (If I can't find a sponsor, sometimes places will actually pay for your schooling if you will sign a contract with them, I'd be willing to do so, depending on the years of the contract.)
Enroll in Photography school
Year 4
Attend photography school, work full time
(Again, try to get straight A's. Learn as much as I can. I know my talent and heart are in photography. )
Year 5
Work full time as RN to pay off photography school, unless of course, by some strange chance I land a Photography job that can make more than being an RN.
Build back up my wedding photography business
Hopefully, by Year 6, I should only have to work out of the home, only my photography/ Art business. We can begin investing more and saving more towards an early retirement.
Look out Winnebego.
Of course all of the above is ideal. It's not impossible, but I really just can't accept making the kind of crap money that I am making for the rest of my life, and think that I'm going to be able to hold my own. The days of one income families are over (unless you are incredibly frugal, and or lucky/ wealthy) The days of two mediocre income families are coming to an end. (That's only just making ends meet) I hate to say it, but I really believe that it's only going to cost more and more to live. Look at gas prices. My salary did not increase equivalent to gas prices. I don't know if anyone else is driving a lot less because of gas prices, but I sure do.
Anyhow. I don't mean this to be doom and gloom. I am actually doing better than I was a week or two ago. It's been a tough couple of years. The sort of shit that I've been through in these past years is bound to leave a wake of some sort.
I think what it is, is that I am finally settling in. I can breathe a little easier. Surviving is admirable at times, but it's no way to live. I have a little time that I can actually digest some of the things that have happened and think, "Give yourself a little credit, that was some fucked up shit. No, it isn't fair. You could have died. You were sick. It's over now. It's time to move forward. The more you move forward, the further you leave it behind."
That's my goal. To move so far forward, that I can only look back at the last 15 years and say, "Man, that was a crazy time."
Often, I wonder if people read this and think, "She's off her fucking rocker."
Maybe I am. But I'm honest. I'm to the point. I'm still working it out. One day, I hope that things can be truly peaches and cream. One of the perks to being an RN is the fantastic (usually) health care package you get. That means I'll be able to get counselling too.
All that being said, I'd like to add that I really dislike having dreams about my ex. I don't know what that's all about. But for some reason, he's been in my dreams lately. Nothing menacing. Just out of place. And I know in my dreams that he's out of place. He doesn't fit in my life anymore.
Anyhow, I'm back to riding that mood swing high. The bathroom needs scrubbing.
So, I went to the exhibit. It was nice. I waited in line for somewheres around 3 hours. But thankfully that line went through parts of the museum and I was able to look at some art while waiting. When people started annoying me, I turned on my mute button. Also known as my Ipod.
The wedding dress was beautiful. As I've always thought, very simple. I've considered the dress to be somewhat of an enigma to me. Why would someone with such a drop dead gorgeous figure, by all mainstream standards, wear something that all but hid that? The ruffled neckline, the puffy sleeves. The train was smaller than I thought it to be. Why would someone who had a pretty much unlimited wedding budget spend only 1500 USD on her dress? I've always secretly thought that she was told to wear that dress. Anyhow, that theory is obviously unable to be founded. What's worse... I could go on. And just another useless thought going around in my head.
Moving on.
Mike and I went to Chipotle, then came home and settled in.
This weather has me scratching my head. It's actually chilly out. I am in no way complaining.... Just baffled.
I bought some tools this week to take to work with me. I've been telling my immediate supervisor that the job would be easier if he'd get me certain tools. He didn't feel the need to get me certain tools, but provided me with ones that 'could' get the job done. So, I bought my own... which he eyes every time he comes around... I tell him to keep moving.
He's dropped the idea that he wants to move towards the end of this year. We only planned to live where we are for 6 months, so I knew that a move was forthcoming. I'd hear a little snippet here or there about moving, but not any dates associated. He's actually said, 'I don't plan on living here past the end of this year.' I agree, and I'm relieved.
I'm starting to surf on line looking for places.... casually.... getting some ideas. We are supposed to be picking a place that we want to stay in for a while, until we find a place that we want to own. I wish we could just cut out the middle move in this and go straight for a house that we'd like to move in... but can't do that.
That sorta stunts any ideas I may have been entertaining about decorating here. The place was just starting to grow on me.... Oh well.
I'll be on line for a little whiles if anyone wants to MSN or Yahoo... I don't have AOL, it's the devil.
ciao
Today, I plan on going to the Princess Di Exhibit at the Dayton Art Museum. It has the dress. Today and tomorrow are the last days. This will be an exercise in calmness as I brave the hoards of people. I don't particularly like crowds. I didn't mind NYC because the crowd was moving. People were trying to get somewhere. Whenever people are in one place like a museum... or the shopping market... the whole stop-go... stop-go... stop right in front of you and block the whole aisle...ugh. I suppose it doesn't really matter, not in the big picture.
I'll be working today to make up for Monday's Mental Holiday. and I'll be working overtime tomorrow.
Camping last weekend was very nice. It was sort of unexpected because I was planning to spend the weekend with Lady... at her house. I would have preferred not to drive 3 hours there and 3 hours back. But, I got to play with fire. And catch up with some people I've not seen in the last 7 months. Besides, who else can boast that they've heard, "I'll get naked if you do..." from Dusty? Eh?
There was a waterfall that we went to cool down. It was ice cold, but you still had the overwhelming desire to put yourself in the gushing fall. I was really proud of Lady for not letting her fibromyalgia stop her. (Cold tends to lock her musles up) It rained a bit, and we moved a screened in tent. We were amused as a few of the men ran with bits of hot coals and burning firewood to the sheltered fire ring.
I love maintaining a camping fire. I have been fortunate in discovering a way to make a kick ass fire. Ready to be a big fire at any moment, but small enough to not scare. Warm enough to keep you toasty.
I can hear you all now
coughpyrocough
I'm having probs with my internet. I don't know if maybe I have a virus, or if my connection is crap, or some part of the internet is down. I'm having trouble accessing some websites that I would not normally have a problem accessing.
I don't have the time to trouble shoot it, and since the cable bill is in Mike's name. I'll gladly leave that to him.
Well, I'm off to see the dress, and the rest of the exhibit, then off to work
ciao
I took the day off from work.
Nothing is really wrong... or any different than it was before. I just see some problems that I have to face. I've seen them for a really long time. You know, you can blame your ex for something, and believe it. Then you can look at your life after your ex and watch things reoccur, and say fuck. I'm part responsible for that. Omg, history is going to repeat itself if I don't get help.
People are thinking that I'm depressed lately. I'm not depressed. I'm scared.
That's the truth of it. I'm scared in the sort of way that needs help, and I can't avoid it any longer.
Did you know that I am literally afraid to pay my bills because I have lived from check to check for so long, that I am afraid that something is going to happen the next day that would have taken priority over what I've already paid.
Seriously, getting all the bills in the mail, and actually sitting down with them and seeing what needs paid sends me into a panic. I start shaking. My heart starts racing.
Let's not even talk about tax time. I'm a wreck when it comes to this, and I know it.
The sucky thing is that I can intellectualize it. Everyone has bills. You work, you pay bills, and shit happens to everyone. Nothing out of the norm. Everything is going to be fine....
Dammit. First of the month... all bills due... enter anxiety.
I'm getting my resume and crap together so that I can apply to jobs around the area in hopes of getting a higher paying job. That will help in some ways. Mostly, I'm just tired of living this way. I'm getting overtime to cover the time I missed today. I'll be starting to get regular OT to help catch up, and save.
It's always something.... car.... household expense... fucking camera red light ticket... gas prices rising....
I am so sick of living in fear. I will work 2 jobs if I have to in order to get ahead, and get rid of some of the other factors that are contributing to my financial anxiety. This has to stop.
Gah.