If you can't figure it out. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Just let me
get out of here already. I've been sent home early from work several
days last week... I gladly went. I've been packing a little here and there
and procrastinating, a little bit more that I'd like. The check is supposed
to be here next week... the week after should be the latest.
Torture.
This
is
torture.
Mike and I nearly got into an argument today. Believe it or not, we
never got into an argument. One of the reasons that I think that we
didn't make it.
I've been real snippy lately. I've been making jokes, but really it
was more like jabs. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself. I
want to hurt him like he hurt me. But this is not how I want to be.
Really, I believe the hurt will come much later when he realizes
that this was a big mistake.
Last night, I got to talk to K for several hours on the front porch.
That's been coming. I feel better. I wanted to get things out in
the open, and wanted to feel better about the situation. She
shed a little light on the situation. Oh, it hurt. I went to bed
crying.
Mike woke up this morning and said he had a nightmare that
K and I talked for hours on the front porch.... that set my mood
for the day, and boom, we were into the , "well you disappointed
me." and "Once again, I'm the bad guy."
Lovely little blame game. Follows everywhere. I sometimes
wish that I didn't have a desire to have children, or a desire to
share something real and meaningful with someone else that's
willing to communicate, compromise, be affectionate, and wants
at least one kid that isn't on the planet yet.
Alas.
We have new neighbors. The lovely people have a pit bull, which
we get to here howl because (we believe) that they keep it locked
up in the basement.
I talked to my mother today. For almost an hour..... it's strange
to be able to forgive her for being human... it's like there's another
door there to a relationship with her that I've always wanted.
I'm still working out of my math and Spanish books. My eyes
are crossing.
Mike and I went to the Celtic Festival today. It was nice, but it
was torture. Before, we'd walk everywhere holding hands
and being one of those sickening couples. Now... *sigh*
My goal for tomorrow is to bring the stuff up from the basement
into the front room. ( I am putting everything in the front room
so that it's a quick and easy moving process.) Really, my goal is
to get everything in the front room except for the kitchen stuff.
Then, each day to pack a small box of kitchen stuff.... there's a
good amount of gadretry there.
He seems to have changed his mind from his original statement
of not wanting to be friends. Now it's, "What I meant is that
we would have to wait a while before we could be friends."
I think, really, out of sight, out of mind, he'll have all that money
which will be a lovely distraction to his ending relationship...
but it's not about money.... whatever.
After all the packing, I'm going to the gym, and I am going to
work out until I barely have the strength to drive home... then,
I'm going to take a shower, take as long of a nap as I frickin feel
like, and then... I may just take a long bath.
Sometimes I wish that I was into casual trysts... I might be in a
better mood. :P
I left Dayton July 12, and arrived early July 13 in Wytheville. The bus
from Wythevill to Roanoke (my final destination) was full. I called my
father. He drove the 2 hours to come get me in Wytheville so that I
didn't have to wait several more hours.
I went to his house, dumped all my luggage into the guest room, and
took a nap. This nap led to me losing a day all week. (When I woke
up I thought it was Fri, I was a day ahead... for a week. ha ha)
The next day, we went right to the farm. Dad was upset that the
farm doesn't run their business the way that he would run the
business. But yet, he won't go anywhere else to ride. I won't go
anywhere else.
After last year's fall, my father was insisting on a lesson before I
rode trail. He was being a bit overprotective in my mind. But
I agreed. Well, they didn't have a ring lesson until the afternoon.
So, I rode one horse on trail, then I rode another horse for the
ring lesson. When you include catching the horses, feeding the
horses, grooming, tacking, cleaning hooves, feeding treats, and
leading back to their assigned fields,that was a full day. I was
so sore, but even sorer the next day.
The fun part was that I got to ride bareback. Finally. I was in
heaven. I had a hellish obstacle course where I had to pick up
a helmet off of an orange cone, go to the next cone, put it on that
cone, take my hand off of it, pick it up, and repeat to all of the
cones. I was racing with another girl. I won. Barely.
Really, everyday was very similar to the day before it. We got
up, ate breakfast, packed the cooler, slathered in sunscreen,
and went to the farm.
The most empowering part of the riding lessons was learning
how to do an emergency dismount bareback, while your horse
is trotting. I was told how to do one, I was told to do one, I
balked a little bit... I was yelled at to , "Just trust yourself,
dammit!!!" And BAM! I did it. It's very acrobatic. The
trainer turned to my father and said, "She's getting brave
Bobby!"
Later on that week, I got to lead trail. While some part of that
strokes your pride... really it is a lesson in humility. Because
EVERYONE IS WATCHING YOU... and when you take 3 or 4
approaches to unlock a gate... It's quite difficult to line your
horse up, unlatch the gate, swing the gate open, and then
navigate around it before the other horses lose their patience.
My trail horse, Christina, was a handful. She wanted to go at
her own pace. She wanted to pick her own trail. For the
most part, I let her, but I kept having to turn her in circles
because she kept wanting to go, or... go faster. It's really
a lesson in calmness when your horse is prancing on a very
narrow trail in the mountains.... and you are turning her in
circles... where there doesn't seem any room to turn in
circles....
The one day that was different was the day we went south
to visit my Grandmother, Aunt, Uncle, and Grandfather. I
love that land. My Grandmother's place has always been
special to me. I was in the creek just as soon as I could
possibly get away. it was sad to see my Grandmother be
a shell of her former self. Dad was right. She is truly ill.
My Grandfather is staying at my Great-Grandparents'
house. I frickin love that place. There is a creek that runs
through it. There is a spring that comes right out of the
mountainside. I finally got to see the rest of the property.
Being younger, I was not allowed to "Go up the hill". I
saw the splendor of my family's land and said to myself,
I must own this one day. That is my goal. No one else
in the family (that I know of) wants it. They'd rather sell
it and divide the measely amount of money that they'd
get. Sad. I resolved that if it was in my power in the
slightest way, I would own that property. That it would
stay in my family. I don't care how romantic it sounds,
I felt like Scarlett. This was my Tara.
My bus back was late, and I had a horrid layover.
Thankfully, in Columbus, Dusty took mercy upon me.
I would have had a 3 hour layover. But she picked
me up and took me to Chipotle, where I tortured her
with pictures.
I arrived back here in the anticlimatic mess that's going
on. Thankful that I had such a great vacation. I tried
my best to enjoy it as much as possible because I
know my vacations are going to be sparse over the next
five years.
Well, the laundry is done. I've gone through most
of my clothes. Once I finish going through the
laundry that I washed today, all my clothes will
be packed and I will be living out of my suitcases.
I have packed up most of my computer desk.
I have a bag of the books that I am working on
right now.
Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldridge (On CD)
Your Best Life Now, by Joel Osteen
Women's Devotional Bible
Math Book
Spanish Book
A few Journals
A Spiral notebook for writing down the lessons from my
math and spanish book.
I am attempting at brushing up on my math skills so that
when I hopefully don't get placed with 3 math pre req's.
I am brushing up on my Spanish because I want to cross
that line from speaking Spanish pretty well to being fluent.
The Journals, I am a journalling fool right now. It is
helping me deal with the situation. I write about 30
minutes of affirmations daily (sometimes I miss a day)
to help me from going into despair.
The religious books are refreshing. I don't want to get
preachy. They are gifts from my father. They are most
helpful right now. They are not written in the manner of
the previous books he's sent me. Rather, they include
some of the thoughts and beliefs that I went outside of
Christianity to look for. I don't like or believe in a fear
based belief system. The books that I am reading have
nothing to do with fear as a motivator for 'living right'.
Right now, It's a huge comfort to me. It's a comfort that
I need. I would recommend Captivating for any woman
of any faith just for the positive talk about women and
their role. About letting go of the past, and actually
healing. The book is causing a major stirring because
some people actually believe that it's basically heresy.
Anyhow.
Tonight, I'll be packing up my crap in the bathroom.
And living out of an overnight bag. I have my craft stuff
to take care of next. Then, I will finish last with the kitchen.
I am praying constantly that Mike will get his money next
week and that I can be free. This is torture. I volunteered
to help him with a few things before I moved, and his
responses are all pretty much that he doesn't need my help.
Which I interpret as, "Just leave."
And I will.
I am crying less and less each day. At least crying less
because of the immediate situation. Now, I cry at all the
core issues this situation brings up. At looking back at
my life and watching a pattern repeat itself. The more
introspective I become, the more I realize that a year
off of dating is a fantastic idea.
I apologize if I seem remote. I am trying not to only
think of myself, but It seems that I have a lot on my
plate right now.
Once I get moved, line up a job, get enrolled for school,
unpack, move my storage unit, and take a breath, I
will try to be more repsonsive and keep up on
everyone's journals.
Happy Belated Birthdays to Kim and Liz.
I love both of you very, very much.
I am looking at everything that I own, and I think
I'm about to dump everything but the minimum
life requirements. I mean, I've done it before.
But I am about to get rid of stuff I even hung on
to when I left John.
If I continue paying for a
storage unit, for things that I may not use for
years. Things that just may sit in the basement
when we move again because Lady already has
a kitchen full of stuff. These things I bought from
the thrift store anyways....
I could at the very least keep a smaller storage
unit.
But really, I want to go through these things, and
I want to be free of all that I can be free of.
I've always wanted to be minimalistic.
I've already started going through my clothes.
I don't need all these clothes. I hadn't planned
on reevaluating my full worldly posessions.
I think that I would more enjoy myself if I let
go of these things now. Then when I move on
and get my own place whenever I finally get
done with school, I can go on a big shopping
spree.... to the thrift store... some things don't
change.
One life lesson at a time....
I finally have some peace.
I visited Lady this weekend and had a little talk with her about
my plans and the things that I could and could not afford... and
why.
They have agreed to charge me a disgustingly minimal monthly
rent, so that I may keep my storage unit, and that I may focus
on going back to school. As long as I agree once I make enough
money, then I will pay a more even share.
I am already on the employee list of 2 temporary agencies in
Dayton. They have offices in Columbus as well. I will most
likely get a transfer and a temp job until I can find that place that
wants to hire me and pay for all my schooling because I'm so
awesome. >:)
I talked with Lady's daughter who is a LPN, and got some inside
advice. She reccomended that I get a Nurses Aide Certification
so that I can get placed right away... by Christmas... or by the
first of the year. She said the wage was decent, and that I'd be
more likely to get in a place that would give me tuition
reimbursement for my goal of RN.
Since it's only a delay of one quarter and will land me in a job
that is in the medical field, I can rack up experience while I go to
school. So, I'll have 2 years of medical experience when I
graduate from school. I may also have to take some pre-req
courses. Doesn't matter if it takes me 3 years. The goal is the
same. Get my RN, and get off of the bottom of the food chain.
I still have other dreams and goals.... One day, I would still like
to go to Paris for a semester. I'd like to travel and see new
things. I still want to go to photography school. I just have to
accept that for the time being, I have to put those things on hold.
I stayed overnight at Lady's. I was supposed to stay until Mon
morning, but I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't stop thinking about
getting back to Dayton for my favorite torture... anytime I have
left with Mike. We aren't a couple any more. You can tell. But,
not knowing what type of friendship... or lack of friendship we
are going to have in the future, I just want to spend time with
him.
This past weekend, before I left for Columbus, we had both
kids. Maybe the last time I get to spend with both of them. So
I tried to just enjoy the day. We went to a movie, and we
went to a park before I left to take care of my business in
Columbus. I talked with M for a little bit. I tried to convey
to her just how beautiful and special she is, and that if she
ever needed anything, she would be left with information to
find me.
I took a bunch of pictures at the park. I hope that they will
cherish the pictures.
My nephew Christian's 1 year birthday party was this past
weekend. Oh, I had so much fun. I love my nephews.
The first thing my nephew Jammer did was run right into
my arms, give me a big hug, and say, "I missed you!.....
where's my Grandma?" I told him that he was allowed to
give me hugs all day long if he wanted. It was a moment
of pure joy that I haven't had in a while. Christian wasn't
interested in his cake. He just kept putting his fingers in
the cake and looking at his fingers like..."emmm. I'm not
sure about this stuff."
Well, I've got to run to the gym.
Today, we get both of the kids. At least I get to see M before I move out. I really wanted to take everyone's picture, but I'd been holding out waiting for the right time and for people not to feel pressured about pictures and all. I
have to work unfortunately. I am hoping that when I go to work that they turn me around and send me home. But, I doubt that will happen.
Even though we've got both of the kids, I won't really be here for the visit. I need to go to Columbus and get things situated. I might see the kids in the morning before I head out. I am going to throw a few things in the car.
I talked to Mike about getting the stuff moved now instead of waiting until he gets his big check. I think it would be best. It would work for me at least. Then he can get his check, He can get a vehichle, and I can grab only a few things and go. Instead of some dramatic high pitched move ending with having to unload everything on top of it. If any of that makes sense.
Sum it up: It's less emotional this way. If there is such a thing.
I think yesterday was the day that I noticed that I felt stronger. Just a slight bit.
Plus, last night when I came home, I had a small talk with Mike. I finally got an answer that I can accept and that isn't so vague.
Sum it up: He feels that I'm too needy, and would like a person that makes more money.
I'd like a person that handles their money better. This is one area that we fall on two different ends of the scale.
I had a feeling I was suffering for K's previous actions. I wondered. I'm not perfect. But I am not sure that his interpretation of 'needy' isn't biased by his own problems.
I continually jump through the 5 hoops of grief.... well, four of them, I've not been depressed. I've been rather resolved. I just felt that I was owed an explanation a little more telling than 'We aren't working'
Ok, I've got a ton of things to do before the kids come over today. Sunday is my nephew Christian's first birthday. I'll be going to a party
I have thrown myself into working out. It is a huge help. I'm debating working out more. The return here is difficult. I cry at least once a day. The house that I left relatively clean is in shambles. This house is not mine. There's hardly any walking space. Huge trigger.
I am torn. I love Lady, I've talked to her already about moving in.
I believe the amount that she wants to charge (and have me keep a storage unit) is not what I can really afford.
I don't believe it to be a good deal.
I could rent an efficiency, all utilities paid, all my stuff under one roof, have complete privacy, and a lot more freedom. Yes, the neighborhood wouldn't be as nice. But that's where I am right now.
Also, they wish to move in spring of next year. This move makes 5 in the last 3 years. Their move in the spring time would be move number 6.
Also, I'm not sure that I would be able to tolerate her signifigant other. I know he means well, but he has a hot temper, and I just don't know.
If Dusty doesn't move in with her brother, I could move with her.
I am sure she will have my cat addicted to string again, but at least she has a 50/50 chance it will be her that wakes up with Hemlock on her pillow with a piece of string hanging out of his mouth.... at four in the morning.
The timing with Dusty is a tidbit off. I'll probably be moving the first or 2nd week of August, and she may not be moving until Sept. I could live with Lady for a few weeks while I get a job lined up, and hopefully keep saving some money.
Or, I could move in with my father. Rent free/ utility free while I'm going to school. My father and I could work on repairing our relationship. My father wouldn't be lonely. I would be 45 minutes from the horse farm. I could work for lessons or riding privileges. I have a friend in Lynchburg that was my high school friend. So, I wouldn't be completely without companionship.
Major problem with driving a UHaul to roanoke. Mike would be driving me down there. It would be so difficult. But I am completely uncomfortable with driving a UHaul with my car towed behind me.
I'm having to make the decision so fast, that I don't know if I will have any peace about it.
If I am not too tired from work, I will update some of my trip when I get home. My major woe right now has nothing to do with relationships and moving. It has to do with saddle sores. I tell you, riding in 90+ degrees, several times, takes it's toll on a girl. I've gone through half a bottle of baby powder.
If I didn't have to work, I'd turn around right now and go back to the gym.
I have returned from vacation. I was upset originally about the timing, and I spent the first 2 days in a fog. But I was able to put some distance between myself and the situation. I was pleasantly distracted by horses and family. Now, I am home and happy to be.
I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I have been reinvesting myself in my faith and beliefs. I have several friends who've called and/or written. I am a very fortunate woman.
I will update more later, but I want to get back into my routine. There are a few possibilities I may be persuing. But, I still stand by moving back to Columbus.
I can't sleep. Go figure. That's a
suprise... right? I'm suprising myself.
I am doing better than I have in the past.
I can truly see how I've changed over the
last 5 years.
I am not blaming myself. But I am
accepting the responsibility for my part of
why I ended up here. I can not expect that
I will have any sort of healthy, meaningful
relationship unless I take care of my issues.
First thing I did was break a commitment to
myself. I got into a relationship after having
said that I would take a year before being
in a relationship.
Part of the problem is, that Mike and I have
a lot of the same issues.
While I'm devastated. I'm not 'losing it.'
And that's very good.
Debating my decision to move to VA.
I am thinking that it 'sounds good'
and there would be some great benefits.
But, I have issues being 'Daddy's Girl'.
I don't like relocating to new places. The
concept of trying to learn a whole new
city all over. Not to mention, my father
lives an hour outside of the city.
That means an hour commute to work
and to school. And I won't be able to
afford the gas. And I'm not going back
to Wendy's management. I am not
going back to fast food if I can help it.
I finally got a notification, not too long ago
from FedEx about applying there. I am
hoping that if I can go apply there, that
they will take me. I know that they are
in a hiring freeze right now, but I know that
they hire more people right before the
holidays.
I can always go through the temp agencies.
And I think that it might only make it
worse, if I am trying to 'find my
authentic self' going back to dad. I think
I may revert back to trying to please him
with my life instead of trying to make sure
that I am following my own path.
My dad and I will talk when I go to VA.
I also got to thinking about how it
sounds like/ feels like, I might be
running away.
I have family up here, I have friends up
here. I really do love Columbus.
My brother just told me this past week
that I am going to be an Aunt again.
I know I have to think of myself, but I
don't neccessarily think it's a great idea
to put myself in a place where I don't know
anyone but my Dad.
I think I may just move back in with
Lady for a while. I'll have a talk with her.
She's in a much better place than she
was before. If we can have a healthy
conversation about how things are, and
what we would both like/need, then I will
accept her offer to move back in.
Right now, I could use someone to hug
me while I bawled my fucking eyes out.
I am going on vacation tomorrow, I am
not prepared. I am hoping to just go and
try to get away from everything.
Damn.
Hi.
Mike and I are breaking up.
Actually, I got dumped.
Yes, I'm hurt.
Yes, I'm angry.
But, I can't say I didn't see it coming.
As people who date, we were completely compatible,
fully in love.
As people who live together. It just didn't mesh.
I am going to move to Virginia to live with my father,
and persue nursing there.
I
am
completely
devastated.
I have the next 2 weeks off from work. Only wanted one of them, but oh well, they have a shut down at the factory that I am working at. That's this week. Next week is the week that I go spend with my father. I am debating leaving early and spending more time with Dad. I am sure that is what I will do, but I dread it. How is it that you can get a flight overseas cheaper than you can get a flight from one state to the next?
I am excited because I've finally talked him into taking me down to see Grandma V. She isn't well...and has developed some nasty conversational,
and behavioural habits. I've been prepped for the chance that she will say
some off colour things.
I'll get to see the rest of my family too and see my Great Grandmother's house. My Grandfather is living there now. I do believe I will be taking a lot of pictures this trip. I haven't even finished taking a roll of film here since my last visit. Lots of stress and my desire to not make the kids uncomfortable. But As soon as Nov 1 rolls around, the gloves are off. Pictures are on.
My immediate supervisor has refused to listen to my suggestion on how to
clean hooks. We hang things to be painted. The hooks get junked up where the gasket meets between the two metals, and causes parts to get thrown
away because when you hang a fresh part on the same hook that's all junked up, it doesn't get a proper paint job. It's difficult to explain. Just trust me.
Anyhow, I kept telling him I needed certain tools to do a better, more efficient job, and he basically told me, 'work with what you have here'. So I went out and bought my own tools and experimented and I can clean the paint and crud off of those parts faster than anyone, and the place where the gasket meets the fresh part, is all but perfect.
I've tried to explain to him, why this way works better, and why the way that he has the other shifts hammering the paint off, warps the parts, causes the edge to form a lip... getting in the way of the gasket... causing numerous difficulties...
He just refuses to listen. I joke with him, he jokes with me well enough, so I told him if he was smart, he'd see I didn't want credit for it, I was showing him what I've discovered and if he was a good supervisor, he'd find a way to make the system his.
He declined.
Well, I've just kept to myself, kept doing my job the way that I've found best, and accepting that there would be changing his mind. He doesn't care.
The head honcho of parts quality walked by me doing my job and took a look at my tools. Tools have a way of disappearing, so I told him that those were my personal tools. He asked me how I cleaned the parts and I jumped at the chance to show someone. After all, he's my boss' boss' boss.
After I showed him all the little ins and outs of how I did it, my supervisor comes over and he tells him, "This girl knows more about cleaning these parts than the guy who invented them." Considering that the guy who designed the parts also designed the WHOLE system of painting at our plant, and that the parts have to be of the utmost quality because they are for government use... I was sufficiently chuffed.
I rode high on that all day.
Anyhow, after I book my ticket, I'm probably travelling Wednesday, which means no journal entries until I return some 10-11 days later.