Today is the first day that I didn't wake up and cry, or supress the urge to cry all day, only to bawl in my car after work.
Thank God. It's finally passing. I can feel the shift.
The dance classes are helping, the camping trip helped, and I've started attending a very loosely styled church meeting Sunday evenings, where afterwards, people actually talk, and are REAL. There's no fashion show, and it's not damning you for being human. We'll see. I'm wary of churches. But, I have a path to follow, so try, I must.
I am working with another girl, sort of a joint therapy thing. She and I have had similar losses, feelings, consequences, etc... and we are chosing to work through everything instead of putting ourselves right back into the dating scene so as to attempt to avoid this type of disaster/ disappointment, again.
We've been talking for about 6 weeks, and it's helping a lot. I actually feel like I can go out to coffee with someone without comparing them. Just actually be present and enjoy another person's company without complete gunshyness.
I am learning that with all my busy schedule this month, I have to put outfits together for each day during the week because of how early I wake up every day, or else I end up with articles of clothing inside out. Yeah.
My cat seems to have finally adjusted with the aide of organic catnip.
I actually feel like socializing instead of just socializing to get my mind off of everything. I miss Mike terribly. But, it's dead to me, and something better is on the horizon. I can feel it. Before, socializing was an exercise in restraint of tears, of being prepared to tell people to get sorted for their judgemental opinions, or just fearing being asked about 'why'... So, I'd play the game, socialize, but hide... socialize, but hide....
I'm listening to a bit of Coldplay, lovely.
It's Monday, I think I'll take a long hot soak in the tub. That sounds really delicious.
hugs to everyone.
thanks for listening.
Boy this dancing class is an exercise in being comfortable in your own skin. It's *exactly* what I needed! I felt a little wierd and nervous, but I donned my dance shoes, and did my best to follow what the lady was showing me. She was real patient. I explained to her that I had been doing freestyle for a while, and that I wanted some technical instruction to go with the attitude... :P
She had me do that move where you put your arms above your head and move only your neck to the left and to the right.... "Oh Good! You're a natural!" She said. I was chuffed. Today, I work on keeping my shoulders back and down, my head up and my eyes open...... I didn't know I had them closed... but I guess I did.
The lady who owns the school wasn't there last night, she's out of the country, but I had a great time with the two instructors. No one else showed, so I had the whole lesson to myself!!!
I did the dance along... Dude... I am so lame... But I tried. It was a half hour work out (usually 50 minutes, but we were gabbing and hoping all the people that had said that they would come would show)I told them, "Look I'm trying to follow hands, feet, and hips... it'll come together later.
If I can do this in the presence of other people, then I can certainly get through speech class when it comes.... right?? *feart*
I'm really proud of myself. I tried to talk myself out of it almost all day for whatever reasons.... I can't wait for more lessons!
edit:
So, I came home and looked up the classes for tonight and there are 2 that I can take !!! I'll have to take a nap though because one ends at 10, and i'm usually in bed before then! 4 a.m. comes EARLY.
Seriously though, I totally did an advark clap when I discovered that there were two classes tonight!
I start belly dancing classes tonight!!!
Aunt Flo is threatening to make me reconsider... BUT NO WAY!!!
I'm gonna go shake my booty!!! and my boobies! (boobies!!!)
for that matter!
ha ha!
Dusty and I just went apple pickin'. It was so much fun. Eventually, when the computer in my room is updated (viruses) and I bring it on line, I'll be able to post the pictures of us climbing in the apple trees to reach the ever unreachable, impossible apple.
I got every one that I thought was impossible. And I caught one that was falling. Sounds silly, but I wanted to catch an apple mid air. I'm scratched up, and I'm sure the pictures look very interesting... guts and ass hanging out... crotch shots and what not. Fun fun fun!
I had a realization on wednesday that I had no desire to call mike on monday and tuesday. Every other day, I've nearly held the phone in my hand and wished him to call me.
I missed the kids...
So I called K, and the kids weren't there, but she and I talked again for an hour. I heard some stuff that I didn't want to hear... things that made it sound like Mike was moving on... already.
I was crushed. No one wants to believe that they were replaceable... quickly at that.
So, I called him up. He came on Monday to get the title signed over, told me that he couldn't stick around because he was going to a funeral. The title wasn't ready, I had to get another 30 day tag for his truck (long story) but I *knew* that he just didn't want to stick around... and that the funeral was a lie.
Yeah bad move.
We argued.
We needed to. We never did. And it was always under the reason that I was 'too emotional' to handle it. Because he doesn't like when a woman cries.
Don't fucking diagnose me. Everyone needs some help. And don't fuckin lie to me 'for my own good'. Grow some balls and have the courage to get into the deeper conversations of relationships. That's the only way that they will survive.
I cry. That's just me. His problem. I still deserved to know what the hell was going on.
Anyhow. That turned nasty. I spent Thurs night and all day Friday in a state. I just sucked it up and went to work. I got out of work and I was a wreck.
So I called him again. I told him that what I needed to find out in the conversation was what he thought he did wrong because everytime we talked, everything was my fault. Or at least it sounded that way, and I needed to know that he was affected deeply because I couldn't believe that he was ready to move on.
He said he wasn't ready, that he was trying to move on because he needed to, and he wanted me to. He said that he wanted to be friends, but that he needed space, and wanted us to both be moved on before we tried being friends again.
If it makes me bad for not wanting to be alone in this. so be it. if it makes me not a bitch, then so be it. I needed to know. I feel a world better. And I feel like I can move on.
We closed with 'have a nice life'.
So, you have seen it all. This romance from beginning to end.
I am signing up to take bellydancing classes until school starts. I think that this is my next step. I've done freestyle for too long, and I want to actually have some technical correctness to it. Not to mention it's social and it's a work out.
Dusty is here... she says hello.
She is awesome. She bought me chocolat soy ice cream last night. rock on.
Did I mention that I love my frickin' job? Kick ass!
My roomates like bread, I like baking it... we are going to be ass deep in bread! Night before last, I made my Scarborough bread, and last night, I made Apple Pie/Cinnamon rolls. We had it with vanilla ice cream.
Today..... who knows what baked goods today holds?
I believe that I've said it before, if I'm not baking, something's wrong. If I'm baking, everything's great. I only baked a handful of times while living in Dayton.
Hopefully, today, I am going with the ever magnificent Dustbuffalo to hike the bike path. Eventually, I will be purchasing 2 Christmas presents for me.
1. The U2 Ipod. My precious.....
2. A ladie's sport bike
I miss my Ipod, and I don't want one that looks the same... so, I want the mac daddy, and for me, that's the U2 one. Yes, my fandom is blazing.
I want to take up bike riding, and eventually, be able to conquer the extreme bike path which left me all messed up last year.
My job is awesome!
The only drawback that I can see to it, is standing all day, in nearly one space.
Yesterday was a tough day. In the midst of getting everything done (all that I've had on my to do list) I had the nasty little thought enter my mind, "What am I going to do when I'm done with everything to keep me from thinking about him?"
Then ensued sadness. Followed by conversation with Lady, which ended me up angry about it all. She didn't do anything, I'm just angry at how I feel that he's changed. It irks me to see him numbing out in all the money he's got now. Money itself is a drug, and spending it, he is.
I got a nasty voicemail from him asking me how many times the cats threw up in his car on the way to Virginia.... I was baffled. I covered the back seat in plastic and put a protective blanket over top of that. There was no place in the car that the cat could have gotten sick without my knowlege. The only empty space was the floorboard where my brother's legs were. The cat stayed in the window the majority of the time... I sent him back a few voicemails... he's no longer taking my calls... I guess. I've not got a call back from him.
And I think to myself:
1, you never would have talked to me in that tone of voice before.
2, i returned the car in better condition than it was given to me... i made a point of it
3, my car, the one he drove since April, the interior is trashed, smells like cigarettes, ashes everywhere, B took an ink pen to the back of one of the seats, and to top it all off, he let a milk shake go sour in a paper cup in my middle compartment. I have only recently had the time to remove everything from the car, cleaning the interior will be done this weekend.
4, you don't need to make up drama to make the break up easier on you.
The nastygram has helped me a bit... It let me see just how much of a different person he is/ has become/ I don't know, sometimes I feel like I was duped.
I feel better since I've started working... Yay for employment. I had 2 days that I worked and then I have Sat and Sun off, and I work again Monday... Nice transition. I'm glad to be back at work.
My job is awesome. You are allowed to listen to headphones.. that's kickass!
I have employment!
I was able to get a temp to hire position, making great money, monday through friday, first shift, adaptable to school, and not a far commute! And I start tomorrow!!!
I am ecstatic!
I am also finally finished with the larger storage unit, completely moved into the smaller storage unit, and have finished moving (to the best of my knowlege) my belongings from Dayton.
I took the last load yesterday. It was real tough seeing Mike and hearing him talk about what's going on with him.
Hemlock has finally made it to Columbus, and he's super clingy and super whiney.
Well, I have lots to do today. I really need to get moving on them.
I'm employed!!!!!!!!!!!!