I'm not ready to date again. Had a few opportunities. Even went to breakfast with a very nice man. I just can't right now. Now I have to figure out how to not look like a bitch. But I guess I'm willing to look like bitch if that's what it comes down to. I can't compromise. And I just can't forget right now. I really loved him, and that just doesn't go away.
I have kept a 1 subject spiral notebook of lists every since things went down. Keeping lists is nothing new for me. Finishing them is. Usually, the list gets so long and I get discouraged because there's only one of me, and there's fifty things on the list to get done. The difference with this notebook is I am crossing things off one at a time. If most things are crossed off with a few remaining items, I write the remaining items on the next page, and fold the old list down. That list is done. I have accomplished something.
I also used the notebook for important numbers and information.
Wrapping up a relationship, moving 100+ miles, and enrolling in college after 15 years has had a phenomenal amount of 'to-do' lists. I am almost finished with this 1 subject notebook, and I actually find myself looking forward to purchasing another.
I have *finally* passed through most of the fiery hoops of enrollment.
I only have to:
*Pay my fees
*Disburse my financial aide (when it hits, which is why I'm waiting to pay fees)
*Purchase my books
*Register my vehichle so that I may pay for the pleasure of parking at school.
*Wait for the classrooms to be announced and locate them.
*Meet with Academic Advisor to map out the next 6 years' courses. (Scheduled for November 7.)
I think I'm in denial. I still can't believe I'm actually going to go through with it, and I actually did it before the last minute and without freaking out (too much, I had a little case of palpitations while waiting to hear about the financial aide. But it's all good.)
The classes I am taking are:
Biology
English
Pre-algebra
Twelve credits. I actually managed to keep my bellydancing nights and church nights open so that I can go if I wish.
I am trying to figure out a Weekly/Daily planner. Until I get the hang of things I am scheduling my study time/homework time too. It's estimated 1 hour of homework per credit, per week. I am also attempting to put together some sort of trunk mojo with extra supplies.
My goal is to be mostly done with the lists by the time school starts. Sure, there's always going to be things to do, and lists to make... But my lists are scratching things off that have been procrastinated upon for an embarrassing amount of time.
I'd like to think I've learned my lesson in many areas. Be pickier, don't settle. Be neater. Don't procrastinate. Though, I can not promise there won't be some sort of 'Woe is me' entry in the future. I just think that they will be fewer and farther between.
Anxiety exits stage left.
I took my placement test yesterday.
No sooner had I pulled into the parking lot and thought 'oh shit, i'm really gonna do this.' Prism called. Thank God. I was a hair away from hyperventilating. After 15 years, you don' know what you're gonna get.
I placed in pre algebra... which is very good for me because I thought I was going to have to go into math 101 (elementary style). Seriously, math has never been my strong suit.
Next, I got a 90 out of a possible 99 on the reading... and I knew I flubbed up on that one because I thought I'd scrolled down all that I could, and when it was too late to go back, I realized, I hadn't scrolled enough to read the whole thing. grrr.
I got a 99 out of a possible 99 on writing skills. Which leaves me quite chuffed.
Basically, I can choose whatever English I want. Yay. I'll still probably pick the low one just because I want to brush up. Multiple choice means that I can pick the one good sentence out of four, but when composing sentences myself, my grammar and punctuation are lacking.
I met with the advisor, and she was great. She went over everything with me and advised me to come back to plan out the next (possibly) 6 years of my life.
I don't care how long it takes. What else am I doing? This has been on my mind for a long time, and I'm glad to finally get started.
Now, if we can get the financial aid hooked up, we're in business.
I didn't feel like messing with making a costume this year. I really wanted to make a belly dancer costume... with veil. I'm not so bold as to go around with my mid driff exposed... yet.... Though the day is coming.
I found a delightful costume, and I'm not telling you what it is. Hopefully, they'll be a pic of it when I actually get to wear it. Next Saturday night is the party. So, yay.
It's supposed to be rainy today, which throws a wrench in my plans. I really wanted to go hiking/jogging. Can't stand wet feet though.
The down side of waking up at 4 a.m. most mornings for work, is that I am wide awake at 6 a.m. on the weekends.
I think I just might be one of those crazy people who go jogging in nasty weather.... as I really really want to go.
but i'm really really gonna try to go back to sleep for an hour.
I made italian loaves last night. They were sooo good. The bottom had to be cut off of one due to burning (grrr) but it was delicious.
I am starting to get excited about school. I've been more nervous up until now. Which, I still am. I don't care. I am going. I have orientation tonight. I fill out the FAFSA tonight, and I do the placement test on Saturday.
I started reading up on the classes that Massage therapist students take, and I can't wait.
Worst case scenario, I won't be able to start until Spring quarter. But that's cool too. I will just make different use of my time, and I will take another class somewhere's else.
I've decided to join a dating thing. Yeah, I know I thought I'd go without dudes for a year. But, I'm not built that way. Now, I'm not saying I can't. I'm saying, I don't want to. I've had my sackcloth and ashes, and grieving. I believe I'm firmly in acceptance. (Though anger does creep up now and then) I just want to move on. New life, new career, new me, and I'm going back to school. I may not have time for dating. Whatever happens will be.
oooh, I can check to see if my automatic deposit has gone through!
Saturday I was supposed to go to orientation and take my placement test to determine my prerequisites. Couldn't do that because orientation is only held the first Saturday of every month. Couldn't take the test because you have to have orientation first. Not to mention, you couldn't do either without the acceptance letter, which I did not yet have. Bummer. Move things around, adjust. ok.
Acceptance letter came in the mail Saturday. Just waiting on highschool transcripts. Monday, get ready for orientation, get into parking space, calendar all organized... I need change for the visitor parking? I dig through my purse, I find just about a dollar's worth of change, but since it's not all in quarters, it doesn't amount to an hour. I needed 1.5 hours. I didn't have the time to get more change, and I thought about 'risking it'. I looked at the car next to me. It had a yellow ticket on it. I leave the parking lot in search of change, but alas, rush hour traffic has the place stopped up, and nothing within shouting distance (that I know of) to get change.
Fine. I can switch my schedule around... again. I've had about 2 or so weeks of this. Couldn't go to dance class last week because of my headlights, couldn't get through this thing or that thing... and I'm just so glad that anxiety doesn't have the hold on me like it used to. By now, I would have given up on school. Anything worth doing, is worth doing well, and it's worth fighting for.
I decided I was going to do the much needed laundry and grocery shopping. I came home from that, and my transcripts from high school (from the ARCHIVES) had come in the mail. Yay.
Now all I have to do is go to orientation, go take the test, and try to apply for financial aide. I plan on doing the last part tonight. Sometimes I make things bigger in my mind than they truly are. For some reason, the application for financial aide seems like a really big obstacle for me. When I get home from work today, I plan on filling out the online FAFSA and going from there.
Tonight, I have bellydancing class!
Oh, and Sunday, Dusty and I went to the Universal Light Expo. I had some chocolate wowie cake, but it wasn't so 'wowie' this time. They changed their recipe. I don't care for it as much. Plus, they are too expensive now.
But, we got our feets rubbed, our backs rubbed and I bought some incense and a bar of soap. It smelled really good.
I want my feet rubbed again.
And my quote for the day at the ULE is, "I believe I was just lustfully looked upon by a monk."
This weekend I am going to watch my nephews and let my sister go out with her fiancé. I miss my boys, and I want a chance to do something nice for my sister.
Ok, gotta get ready for work. It's yucky out.
I must be about to fall off the roof. It seems like this day is just a funk. I know part of it is that I have to deal with Mike here in the next couple days, and then I've got to go back and get my stuff. I just want to be done with it.
I don't really feel like going to class tonight, but I'm going anyways, just because I'm betting this will make me feel better.
I would never wish that my teacher had no students, but I do enjoy the times when I'm her only student. Selfish me.
I love making bread.
If I didn't mention it... The freakish hailstorm we had took out both my headlights and cracked my windshield.
Major suckage.
Moving on
Dusty and I went to the renn faire today to saunter and visit the mud show, and to just say no to sharp pointy objects and soap.
Tomorrow I am going hiking again. Going to break in my brand new Nikes. I'll pack my old shoes in my backpack, but other than that, i'm off to see just how many miles I can put on them new puppies.
Dusty mentioned something that I had thought about a while back, but I had forgot because I was sort of convinced it wasn't a good idea. Nursing schools are either mega expensive, or a long wait. That's fine. I'll wait. In the mean time, I'm taking some electives and prerequisites. But, I'm thinking I'll start off with massage therapist. It's still a move in the right direction. And I'm certain I can make decent money at it. I should be graduating from massage therapist just as nursing school opens up. CLNC is still the way I want to end up, so, I'm still going to pursue it. We'll see how I work it, but I know that there's a really brilliant plan in there.
I sent off my request for transcripts today. Monday I go to orientation, and next Monday, I take the test to see what level I am. I've got to get the FAFSA done yet, but we'll see where it's at.
Yeah so, the stupid title is in. I've asked Mike to mail it. I don't want to see him. It's bad enough that there are some valuables that I've left behind in the house that I have to suck up my pride to get. But really. I am pissed because now he's saying, "You can call the kids, but not visit them because I think that visiting them is invading my space."
He's accused me all along of invading his space. I hope he gets smacked with the truth. I am not invading his space. I was going through the kids' mom. I didn't even bother with going through him. Not to mention that the times that I've talked to him, mostly have to do with my stuff, or some sort of business for him. Whatever.
What an asshole. Dude, I love this man, still. I hate that I do. I *never* thought he'd do this. I am not trying to sound all victim... I am just shocked.... and hurt. Fuck am I glad I'm out of this after only 2 years.
Go ahead try to forget me. Try to erase me.
We did a recap of the basics that I've learned in bellydancing class last night. I am doing awesome. Even if I do forget that I have arms/ have to count beats/ get stuck watching the bellydancer....
We worked with veils last night during the work out. This addition added a smile to my face that just wouldn't erase. I actually went to bed thinking, "I'm still smiling." It was AWESOME. I'm all over this veil mojo. I'm already trying to think of ways that I can squeeze going to Joanne Fabrics today to see if I can't buy me a couple yards of pretty material... just for my practice veil. I've been absolute crap (IMO) at armwork, and I actually got it, and it was advanced! I was like.. WOOHOO! so excited, I forgot that there was footwork with it.
Dude. It rocked. Veils are HOT!
One thing that I am really starting to enjoy is the perspective I'm getting. The first class on Mondays is a beginner class. The second class is a mixed dance for 50 minutes work out. I'm definately not at that level, but it's fun seeing what I am able to catch on to, and what I just sorta 2 step to. The point is that I completely kick out that voice in my head that says, "They are so much better than me... look at how they are doing that... look how you are sorta fumbling around with your feet trying to at least move the same direction as them." I just tell it to shut up, and I TRY. I KNOW that I'm not going to get it. Hence, the Beginner status. But if I don't put myself out there and TRY, then I'm not going to get any of it. And people are supposed to look at you. You are bellydancing for fuck's sake.
I am starting to get used to waking up at 4:30a.m. I finally got my PIN from the Dept of Education. when I get home today, I'll be sending off for my transcript and filling out the FAFSA... I think. Then it's off to class again!
I filled out my planner, and I'm busy almost every day for the next 3 weeks! Which is just fine by me.
So, finally, I can pull my head out of my ass long enough to dry my eyes and get back to life. Technically, I'm still short 8 or so days of my 40 days of sack cloth and ashes, but it's comin' round again.
Work sent us home early, so I went on line and started taking care of some things that I've been putting off because I was overwhelmed with all the recent going-ons.
Enrolling in school. I started the on line process. I still have to fill out my FAFSA but I am waiting on a PIN number from the Dept of Education so that it will go through faster. So they say.
I called my old highschool and told them that I needed a transcript, and they were like "What class?"
I was like, "91." "91????!"
"Yeah."
"Let me get you the number to archives."
Tell ya, I feel like a spring chicken.
I've decided to henna my hair again. My grey is massively coming out, and I really only stopped henna-ing my hair because Mike said that he thought that the grey coming in was sexy. He even kept one of my grey hairs.
I'm telling you, there's a lot of resurfacing that I'm doing, and a lot of realizing just how much of myself I compromised by being with him. Just little things about me that are coming back... like the henna. There's more, but I'll leave it at that.
Anyhow.
Waiting on PIN for FAFSA
Waiting on transcript from the ARCHIVES!
Going to New Student Orientation on Monday
Taking the Compass Test the following Monday
Gotta meet with advisor to construct a gameplan
Then it's on.
Really, just getting it all started was the hardest part. It's weird. I should be able to get in just under the line for Winter quarter. Rock on. Totally feart, but you have to take some risks. I am not really nervous yet, but I imagine that once school starts I will probably look at everything and say, "Oh. Shit."
I have to go to the bank yet, and then I'm going to go on a hike. I'd like to go back to the bike trail, but I don't like hiking that alone.
I have to start using a planner! I'm getting to be so busy!
Excited about Halloween just around the corner. Next paycheck I have to get some material to make my outfit. Bellydancer. Yeah. ha!
Also, I look hot. Just in case you wondered.