there is a void.
i do not know where it goes
i pin one section of something down to keep it all from slipping.
love is different each time
grief is different each time
i retreat back and hold that place
so the dark flood does not take
the good, the pure, the innocent.
no tears.
why are there no tears
*******************************
My grandmother died yesterday morning in a most gruesome manner.
She killed herself. Old country girls don't use pills.
All stages of grief are present. Though I find that I can not cry, and that
I try to keep the shadow of this from clouding my memory of her. I find
so much of my identity and positive childhood memories tied up in her, her
home. It was paradise. It was what I aspired (and still aspire) to have.
It must be denial.
I thought dad was calling to talk about Christmas.
I've run the gamut of experiences this year. Or maybe, I'm just the most aware I've ever been.
I so like that idea. (read last comment left by buffalo to understand.)
So, I feel better... somewhat today.
I remember, after yesterday that I hate doctors offices. I hate the waiting, I hate the feeling like you are only allotted a little time with the doctor and you'd better get all of it in before they go.... and then inevitably you forget something.
I had blood taken and again, the vampires can't get it right. I have hidden veins and they are more to the side of my arm than the inside. So I have to direct them, and then they fish around, and then I have a welt. Oh well. My thyroid is being tested. Apparently, what I've suspected all along is true. I've suspected that the amount of activity and dieting that I have to do in order to maintain a weight that is still considered 25-30 lbs overweight is excessive.
We'll see what the tests say.
And I finally broke down and admitted to a health care professional that I don't have it together. That I try and try, and that I just can't seem to ever keep on an even keel. I do a lot of therapy and behavioral adjustments but that only keeps people happy. I'm not really happy, and in fact, I'm super anxious all the time. Apparently I measured in the severe category for anxiety.
They had me fill out a whole bunch of tests. They basically told me that I needed to take medicine because of "Bad Genes" (AKA, everyone in my family is off their rocker, or they are an addict.) So I told the Doc what my original diagnosis was (back in 2001) and that I didn't feel SAD... I felt ANXIOUS.... worried all the time. I can't even take naps in the daytime because my brain will not even stop. My body is reacting and I keep getting sick, or more prone to injury.
I am fine... most of the time... until something happens, and then I'm scared to death of everything to the point that I'm nearly paralyzed. I can come up with a million ideas but I can't seem to get any of them going. And it's taking a toll on my health.
So, I told the doc that I didn't want to take medicine because my family history indicates that everyone is an addict or off their rocker. She said that I have 'Bad Genes' so I really need to take something and she prescribed me something that isn't supposed to be addictive.
So there it is. What I've been fighting doing all this time. I have to do anyways. I don't really know how I feel about it.
My laptop needs an overhaul. It's super slow and ugh.
We went to WVA to join Michael's parents for a drive to Fredricksburg, MD. I forgot that I solemnly swore that I would never get into a vehicle that Michael's father was driving. I can't count how many cars passed us while they hugged the yellow line so that they could get past that crazy maniac and his swerving.
I nearly required sedation.
I caught a cold just before we left town and not one, not two, but THREE FLIPPIN FEVER BLISTERS.
I have had it up to here (hand gesture) (not that one) (no, not that one either)
with people saying 'herpes this herpes that'.
I've had them since I was a child. Probably from my mother kissing me as a kid when she didn't know any better. I don't care if that's the proper name for them or not. It's flipping annoying.
So, my cold has made me super pissy. I have to really be careful and rethink everything that I say before it comes out of my mouth and I wish that it hadn't.
You know that I've got to be super sick if I'm willing to go to the doctor. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning. I get the joy of a physical... oh joy... and possibly the joy of a throat swabbing, as it feels as though I've swallowed a razor.
So, I just try to put on a smiley face. I've cleared my schedule because I can't get better until I only focus on getting better.
Hope everyone had great a great Turkey Day.
I finally got the lowers done. My mouth hurts, and I have to adjust to new fillings in my back molars. I feel like my bite is off.
I am so glad that it's done. This means I finally get my whitening treatment. I've always felt really conspicuous about the color of my teeth.
I got eleven pages done in my writing this morning before I went back to bed at 7.
Short and sweet. I have to get some stuff done before I write some more.
It's 5:31 a.m..... Do you know where your muse is.
I know where mine was. Perched on my pillow whispering sweet nothings in my ear so that I woke up to do her bidding. It's all good. I've been writing a lot as of late and believe it or not, these aren't in the fiction area. I'm keeping it close to me because I am not ready to share my idea.
But it is coming forth quite nicely. I have been blessed with a super creative mind that I am just neglecting. I decided to try and remove the barriers and let her have at it. It took about a month for me to become focused on one project and to continually write on it until the form came.
My Siamese cat is hilarious. She is fixated with the ceiling fan. When she looks up, you can see her missing teeth. The affect is so cute with her blue crossed eyes.
Well, that's it for now. I really must get to work on my stuff.
With what seems like an exorbitant amount of self care, it seems as though I am healing nicely. Just because you can work in a steel factory doesn't mean you should. Little lessons like that for me are apparent.
Michael and I are supposed to be meditating and stretching an hour before bed. Let's see if we can actually start this practice. I know it's something that we desire.
We've put an add on craigs for my cart and someone sent a request if they could make payments. emmm. no. Sorry, but business has taught me that my bleeding heart will get stomped to bits if I so much as let someone near enough.
So, we are doing as best as we can with everything up in the air. I feel very detached from things. Like I don't care. I feel a bit relieved by it.
I have given up coffee. Not because I wanted to, but because I like my coffee with a lot of cream and flavored syrup (lots o sugar) My blood sugar has been erratic as of late and I just don't enjoy it like I did when I know that I'm going to feel ill if I have it. It's just not worth it. Plus, it seems that caffeine was wrecking havoc with my sleep.
Once I'm adjusted to the no sugar/ caffeine, then I am ridding myself of another vice. Haven't decided which one yet. Probably dairy again. I don't enjoy it at all anymore, but with my injury I felt it was important to see that I got my calcium and my protein.
I am currently knitting a blanket and selling a ton of hot chocolate. Funny how Swiss Miss tastes better than steamed hot chocolate. We have some customers addicted to my souped up hot chocolate. ( I add a little cream and a shot of their favorite syrup and top it off with whipped cream. Super cheap.)
The blanket is very thick yarn and the feel of it is fabulous. I can't wait for it to be done.
love.
Ah yes, November 1st... the pagan new year. Although I have transcended many religious restrictions, I still love Samhain, and I still love November 1. Everything is tucked for the winter and you can enjoy your harvest and take up your sewing.
My goal this coming fall and winter is to sit next to as many hearths as possible. To recover my body from this funk of sickness that has enveloped it over the last few months. To enjoy as much good, happy, healthy company as possible.
I have had to revisit my temper lately. There is a certain line that I always am careful of. I used to have problems with controlling my mouth. I would say the meanest stuff. I would get angry. SO angry. I was SO angry. And I had nowhere to place it. I would "Stand up" to the wrong people... and alienate myself.
So, I went the other way, I stopped saying how I felt. I just would fester. Well that didn't feel any better. I have had to revisit the line between a healthy confrontation and an unhealthy confrontation. Real anger, or misplaced anger. I used to watch this show where they talked about their issues and they would assign all sorts of words under 'depressed'. Really, they were sad, tired, angry, sick... something else.
So, Travelocity has been an experiment in actually standing up for myself. I am hoping that I actually broke through to them this time. Though I doubt it. I will wait until the 'third business day' for my proof. I had to consistently fight for my refund through a maze of calls, supervisors, notes, outrageous hold times. Every time that I got on the phone with the next 'higher up', I would have to repeat the whole situation, and after this last time I told them that I was not going to repeat this thing one more time. They had notes. They needed to read them. Some more holding ensued (I am wondering if I am not going to get a refund that ends up paying for my cell phone bill :P) Finally, I hear the words, "In two business days, all of your money will be refunded to you."
I called my old job and thought for sure they would take me back, I was an excellent employee... "No positions available in my old department but in the other department.." No thanks. That other department was terrible. I hated working for them the few times that I did. There was a lot of drama in that department. I am just not in the mood for that stuff.
So Michael and I got to talking about what was more in line with my abilities. What type of job could I do that wouldn't seem like work. I am here to say that my ideal job is to work as a full time patient for the massage school. I will be massaged and paid for it by the amateurs as they work things out. I will be buck ass naked and rubbed for eight hours a day.
I swear to you with God as my witness, when my book gets published (I actually have three in the works, and yes, the first one is finally going to visit a publisher) Anyone want to volunteer editing in exchange for either baked services or a percentage of profits? I'm down for it. Foolishly, I didn't use my free offers. What can I say? I put my head up my ass. Now I'm sorting it out.
Emmmm... Back to the God as my witness... I swear that I will spend a whole week at a spa and get rubbed for forty hours. I will spend a whole day in mud, and a whole day in cucumbers, lilacs and olive oil. This is my solemn pledge. Rock.
I digress.
This weekend I prepare my home for winter. Dusting, mopping, getting rid of old clothes.
(Has anyone else just looked at their closet and had absolutely no interest in ever wearing again those things?) I swear I'm going to pitch all of it.
I am going to take a walk, plow my garden, open up the windows in the house one last time, and breathe as much fall air as I possibly can. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend. Oh, and since the temperature is supposed to be higher than usual... One last bath for the kitties. Oh yes. OOOhhhh, and airing out the carpets. ooh ah... anyone want to help?
Love!