I saw two young girls in a store yesterday. I know that this is going to sound strange, but I swear, I could have been looking at my own daughters. They were dressed in little white cotton dresses with their blonde hair turning brown and they were fair skinned.... and they were wearing really big brown cowboy boots. It excited me to see them because I was refreshed to see someone that did not dress their children in the latest fashion. They looked timeless.
I have been listening to my Ipod at work. The work is mostly mindless and mechanical. I work in a stockroom scanning things and putting orders together. Anyone could do it. I started listening to Dr Wayne Dyer, James Ray, and Dr Deepak Chopra. I started noticing that I was a lot calmer. I seem to really grasp a lot of what they are saying. Sometimes they say something I think that is too weird, but then when I listen again, I understand. I have to listen to them again and again because I find the density of the information to be so intense that I can't always wrap my brain around it.
Michael and I are really enjoying our gym. He and the girls did Kick boxing yesterday. I didn't dare because of the twisting and punching motions. I felt that I would like to strengthen my back, shoulders and neck before I got back into that. After that, we did Yoga. Maybe I should say that we attempted Yoga. We aren't the most flexible people. (I can not sit indian style, and Michael can not touch his toes) I lost a good deal of my flexibility and mobility last year. It is returning. Slow and sure. Though, my neck and shoulders seem to get slightly irritated during regular exercise. I have actually felt my bones align as we got into certain yoga positions. I am surprised at what we are able to do. Even I managed to balance. Anyone who knows me, knows that balance doesn't seem to be one of my natural abilities.
Meditation always seemed to be sorta too 'woo woo' 'new agey' and if you include transcendental meditation, now it's just freaky. But really, there's nothing woo or freaky or weird about it. I am really enjoying it because it is just a way to get away from the high anxiety.life and start to have some calmness. I can not tell you how refreshing it is to not have a thought about your anxiety, insecurities, esteem, reputation, or monetary position. No thought. Just being and breathing. If that's 'woo', sign me up.
I am once again reviving my art. I have been writing small blurbs that seem to have intensified with my meditation. The imagery is more intense. The words are more evoking. I am writing freely without having to force it. It is just coming straight out of my fingertips. Crazy. I have not ignored anyone's offer to edit my book, I have to retrieve my book from a 3x5 disc? and my laptop and home computers don't take that old technology anymore. So, my book sits. I think I may take it to the library.... or maybe to Kinkos... they would probably have the right technology. Otherwise I have to wait until easter to access it at my father in law's house.
Michael and I are working on an art website for me. It will first feature the photography that I have taken. I am putting myself back out there as a photographer and artist. I have started seeing images again as though they were in the little cross hairs of a camera. I will once again be accepting assignments as a wedding and family photographer.
Everything feels static, unsure, and somewhat exciting.
I actually felt like baking again.
I am really enjoying the girls being here. They are absolutely wonderful. Sweet, beautiful, and just precious to us. It is so hard to not be doting. They are quiet at times and we are convinced that they are somewhat acclimated and that they are at that age where their independence is so rich to them. So we are pulling back a little. We really thought it would be fun to be exchange student parents. We were right, but it is in such a way that I never imagined. Our goal, ultimately is to help them achieve their uniqueness and independence, to show them a loving relationship. To have a stable and happy home.
Dusty was here this past week. She could tell you, we are so mushy it's almost gross.
Both girls are here and settled in. Magdelena is adorable as well. It is so interesting to learn the different attitudes and cultures. We had our orientation and our family talk this week. They have classes scheduled and Magdelena is taking choir, Sabrina is taking Drama. Soooo My girls.
We all joined a gym. Crazy. But awesome. We want to be supportive and interactive. We worked out and had a Yoga class today. I really had to struggle to be in the moment, but it got easier and easier as I just acknowledged my disappointment in gaining so much weight after this injury and just let it go. I am not completely pain free, but my pain registers between a 2 and a 5 on bad days instead of nearly a 10 on my tolerance scale. The yoga teacher was awesome and very supportive. There was a couple times that while I was stretching I felt this hand reach out and grab mine. It was my husband's. It was awesome.
On a funny note, the girls were walking in front of Michael and I towards the locker room. I saw a guy look at them, stop, watch them walk past, and then look at them from behind. At the point he turned back to his task of going to the water fountain, he was met by my dirty look, and it was a lasting dirty look. Don't look twice pervert I will kick your ass, my eyes communicating what I wanted to say. After it happened, I totally blushed. I can't believe I did that.
I got hugs tonight from the girls. We didn't want to push them into affection, but we also don't want them to feel unwanted, so we waited and just kept saying good night and good morning and pat them on the back and encourage them. They came down to tell us good night before bed of their own will tonight. It was sweet.
On the health front, I was able to do quite a bit of the yoga, not the 3rd phase where they went uber stretchy, but a lot of the second phase stuff. I was also able to do the elliptical machine because it was no impact. I wasn't really able to do the treadmill because even a small clip was messing with my ankles, knees and hips. Also, while doing one of the modified positions, my flippin' neck adjust itself. I could always count on my hip to do so if I kept at it, but the neck was a blessed surprise.
I am sure to be hittin the ibu tomorrow. Oy.
Sabrina arrived from Germany last night. She is adorable. She is tiny and ha a very small voice. She missed a connection, so she arrived very late, and by the time we got her a phone card that worked, figured out the right combination of numbers to access the phone card, and then figured out how to dial Germany, and then got her settled in bed it was after 1 a.m.
So, I called in. I didn't feel right about just leaving her in the house by herself until we got home when she hadn't been shown where everything was. I didn't know how well her English would do if she had an emergency. The benefits of working a temp assignment. I do have a very slight fear that they may fire me tomorrow. But they shouldn't. I know how to do the job. I am not a slacker. And it's in their best interests to keep me. At this point, I must be adopting the Generation Y attitude of "What's in it for me?"
All of a sudden, I feel like a mom. I even got a van. That's right I will wear my soccer mom status with pride. I stayed at home with Sabrina today. I spent some time with her, I gave her some space. We watched funny kitten videos on You tube. She started putting some of her stuff away.
I felt so strange. I don't know what happened, but it's like a switch tripped in my head that said, "This might be clean enough for you, but it's not clean enough to have children living here." And although we had spent a great deal of time cleaning and preparing for their arrival (Magdelena arrives tomorrow night) The kitchen just wasn't clean enough. I even cleaned the oven.
We started the morning off with pancakes which she told me that they are larger in Germany and that they put Nutella on them and roll them up and eat them by hand. When she saw her fork and knife she asked if she was supposed to "saw" them.
We have had some other fun things like trying to communicate with her what a mushroom is.
Michael only knew the word Achtung in German and so he kept saying that he knew a lot of German and then he would use different facial expressions and say it with a hilariously serious face that caused her to laugh a lot.
Michael is absolutely darling in all of this. He is relishing his role. We are both people who wanted to be parents long before now, but the opportunity never presented itself.
We have to greet Magdelena at the airport tomorrow evening. Let us hope that she is able to make all her flights. Her traveling process is over 24 hours long.
The job market sucks right now. I am still at my temporary assignment. But those I work with are about as warm as day old coffee left on a counter. I had to submit a resume for a temp position in a warehouse. I have some experience that others don't have and apparently there was a bit of old green monster visiting as I got to be cross trained on Receiving. Others felt entitled. I get snubbed. Cold coffee.
I have put my resume in several places. I have applied for a nanny/ home office/ house keeping position. The woman forwarded me a pay scale. Her version of what she would be willing to pay someone for certain things. I looked at the bottom line and saw what she was willing to pay the most experienced person with a masters degree in early childhood and it was less than 16 an hour.
After talking with her momentarily here and emailing her at least 3 emails of answered questions, altogether taking at least two hours of my life, I told her I deserved the maximum. I may not have degrees, but I have life experience. She wanted me to 'revisit' the pay scale. She was apparently really sticking to that terrible thing. So, I went back to the pay scale, filled it out, and then replied with my own pay scale. The one that shows that she is ridiculous. I paid my friend Trish 50 a week to do an hour of housework and 3 loads of laundry. Let's not forget that I'd have to take care of my own paperwork/taxes, and there wouldn't be any medical benefits. Are you kidding me?
I am so glad that I've developed this new attitude. Before, I probably would have cowed down to this. No more. Pay me what I deserve. Or I will work a temp job until I find what I want. I refuse to accept that this is just the way it is.
My attitude towards this temp job is that it is a temp job. Before, I would have treated it very conservatively. I am not afraid of these people anymore. I am doing you a favor. You are not doing me a favor. There are ten more temp jobs out there and one of them will be happy to have me as an employee.
What is it with these employers thinking that they can make you spend all of your time and jump through all of their hoops? Anyone remember when I was applying to Chipotle and I had something like five interviews... only to not get the job?
I just can't be arsed to fucking care. I don't try to give them suggestions to streamline their operations anymore. I don't give it 1000%. I do a sufficient job, and I leave on time. I will do this until such time as I figure out what it is that I can do from home to make money that doesn't involve get rich quick BS.
Don't even get me started on politics
I finally have a temporary assignment. I will most likely keep this assignment temporary because I am quite motivated to get a job with the State.
The Coffee shop has finally been moved into storage and we have begun piece selling. It is a little disparaging to see everything go, but I feel more free every day. I loved my shop but it was a lot of work. At least a 10 hour day, and sometimes 14 hour days, to drag yourself to bed and then wake up and do it again.
I am so glad to not have to go to 3 different vendors 2-5 times a week only to run out of the oddest thing. Michael talked to the security officer and she said that everyone was asking where I was, and why I was gone. She got mad at them because these were people who didn't frequent my store. They just wanted to nose around. I am glad to be free of downtown and it's stuffed mentality.
Our girls will be arriving in less than 2 weeks! The room is almost ready! We have 2 beds, 2 upholstered chairs, a dresser, and wooden book stands with purple crates.
We are in the process of going through our things and getting rid of as much as we can. We have sold some books, some unused equipment and even most of my unused yarn. I am literally sitting on a ton of yarn and I just need to be rid of it. I am selling it and making space.
We are trying to eliminate clutter and establish a more feng shui type of flow to our home. We aren't exactly minimalistic, but we are definitely making progress.
The kitchen is the reverse. I have a ton of stuff in there now thanks to the store. I am not exactly sure what I'll keep and what I'll try to sell, but I am sure that I'll figure it out.
We address the problem areas one thing at a time. With our whirlwind of a year we are finally getting to do those things that we didn't get to do in the first place.
Relax. Set up our home. Enjoy our life.
I am glad to be working. I have been listening to a lot of helpful and calming teachers.
We aren't quite out of the woods, but we are definitely on our way.
I am so excited. I can't wait for these girls to get here already.
This is not a fantastic beginning to my New Years.
Closed my shop
My espresso machine broke
Had a delicate not so fun "discussion"
Started my flippin period
Can't find work.
Everything seems to be in an insane crescendo, just as I accept one level of insanity, then something else happens.
What the Fuck.
Hopefully, this attitude will be gone in five to seven days.