Migraines are lame. I don't know if any of you suffer from them regularly, but I do. They start with my head feeling too heavy for my neck and then pain takes about 2 hours to crawl from my second vertebra to the top of my skull and sits on my lotus chakra. Apparently, my higher self doesn't want to go back to work either.
Yesterday, I had a migraine. Buffalo taunted me for the second day in a row and I succumbed to her dangling guacamole in front of me. I could have rolled over, sat up, and fetched if she liked.
The pesky thing about migraines is that mine get so intense that my speech starts to slur and I notice that I sorta drag my left foot. Not noticeably or anything, but I sorta almost trip over my left foot because I don't lift it high enough for a step. I'm socializer extraordinaire, no migraine can keep me from talking and trying to socialize.... until I realize that I sound like I'm drugged and I can't form full sentences and people start looking at me funny.
That's when I get the net to shut my lip.
About 3 weeks ago I had a dream. It's the first time I remember dreaming about myself in such a way that I was different. I looked different, I acted different, but I was me.
About the same time I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, and I know it wasn't a spirit or an imagining. I felt like it was a future version of myself.
About three days ago, I woke up and I just felt different. Like something that had bothered me for a long time had just left me. I am not sure what it is, but good riddance.
I often looked at people that could just walk away from people, places, relationships as apathetic and unable to have compassion. But I have found (or life has clobbered me with) the lesson that compassion and help are asked for and I do not give them about to the winds anymore. I thought it would be an empty existence with selfishness preventing anyone with this mindset to have real relationships.
My friend that stood me up has called me and left me a voice mail apologizing and she wants to talk. I keep thinking about if I really want to talk to her or not. I don't think I do. It's a bit like breaking up over the phone, a voice mail isn't quite enough to peak my interest. Try harder.
My family gets the same treatment. I call them, and they don't call back. I told them the days of me doing all the relationship work are over.
The art of detachment is very interesting.
I had a heated religious conversation with someone at work. I know better and I should have just said, "I don't talk about religion at work." This guy is a hard core Bible thumping, tongue speaking kind of guy. It of course turned from a conversation to preaching. I told him as such, and he said, "Do you know the difference between preaching and teaching?" I told him, "What makes you think I want to be taught? I know your Bible better than you."
I look at him half of the time like he's talking about the tooth fairy some of the things he is saying.
He's convinced I'm hell bent, and I'm convinced he's a hypocrite... before religion entered the conversation he made a lot of heavy innuendo comments that I just ignored (sexual harassment is alive and well) was completely coming on to me and I did my favorite thing, start every sentence with "My husband... blah blah blah." And he takes 45 minute breaks that are supposed to be 15 minute breaks, and he takes a hour lunch when it's supposed to be 30 minutes.
But, I'm the one that needs "saving".
Anyhow I warned him that his breaks were being monitored. He was not phased. Let's see how phased he is when the supervisor mysteriously catches him.
Scruffy ran away for ten days (again) and is covered in fleas. So all three cats are about to be treated to a bath. I wish I had a three compartment sink for bathing cats. Wash (they supply the agitation), Rinse (Repeated cruelty with a cup), Dip (stinky flea killer)
After that I get to vacuum.
Woo!
I got a massage today. Mostly at the insistence of Michael. But, if I am working, I fully plan on starting to treat myself to things that will help me take really good care of myself. Like massage, manicure, pedicure, hair cut, waxing... Yeah.
We went to the apartment complex that we like. We picked it out for location, amenities, and price. The property manager said that there would be 2 BR apartments opening up just at the time we are looking to move. Fantastic.
Work is going ok. They moved me. I suspect because of being short and not able to do tall people stuff. Plus, I think that I wasn't "getting it" at the position that I was at. Whatever. I'm still employed, making decent money with a company that hires on at a decent wage. Even though I won't be here for but a year more. Michael should get accepted into school to get his degree to teach accredited courses at the college level.
I will probably start 6 months after him because tuition will likely be more expensive as an out of state student.
Well, that's all for now.
Gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job.
The girls were punks, but we miss them anyways.
I started working this past week to make a bit of extra scratch to
help us move. I think I am going to try and work for a while at least
until we move. I like being at home, I hate the financial pressure.
Michael will be going to school in the fall of next year if we have
anything to do with it. He is going to get a Phd in Communications.
If we are fortunate enough, I will be going to college next fall as well.
I'm going to major in Psychology. I don't really know what avenue I
am going to pursue in it. I like the idea of counselor, or child therapist,
or art therapy, or something a little more than a traditional Fruedian
approach of the listening cure. I like School counselor too.
We'll cross the bridge when we get to it. I keep saying that I want to
go back to school, and something keeps happening that I don't go. I
believe that it's something deep in me that wants to go back. Maybe
I need the validation of a degree. But it appears as something I wish
for. It's also comforting to have a degree, I believe. Right now. I have
no skill set and the one job that I did get is just like all the others: A
factory that doesn't care about me. In fact, they are using me. They
are a huge corporation and instead of hiring people directly on, they
get temps and avoid the trouble of having benefits and such. If you
are injured, there's another one, just like you to take your place without
so much as a bother to them.
The job isn't bad. It's just boring as hell. No one talks, and there's no
music, and sometimes there's no work so you have to "look busy". Which
means that I have swept and dusted at least 20 hours this week.
Oh well. I'm getting paid, and it's going to help us catch up from this
crap year we've been having.
If you wondering what else might have set me up for last entry. I had a
friend plan to have a yardsale with me. We planned it for a month. I turned away camping (which I love) because of the yard sale. I called them twice
on the week before the yard sale to confirm. One of the calls was the day before the yard sale... everything was still going to happen.
They didn't show. Not only did they not show, they forwarded my message to voice mail when I called at 9 a.m. (Our agreed starting time) and has never called or emailed me back. Totally lame, and it's not ok. I don't care what kind of history we have, nothing short of showing up unannounced on my doorstep and groveling for an apology in which you admit all the reasons that was really lame is going to be acceptable. Or a hospital coma.
It really hurt my feelings at first. But I have the feeling that this friend was trying to nicely let the relationship fall by the way side because she has dropped other friends of mine, and doesn't want to run into them anymore. She fell out of friendship with a close friend of mine, and for the last 8 months I've been rotating between them: Don't invite her to this function if the other one is going, don't invite her if the other might even show up, and I told her that I wasn't going to tip toe around their disagreement anymore.
The drama is so thick with this situation, I just refuse to get back into it. And I'm not going to make anymore drama with it either. I'm not going to call her and cry about how lame she is for doing that. I'm not going to tell her that she's a petty bitch for letting one argument ruin TWO friendships. Mind you, It's a huge argument. But she's done worse and I've forgiven her. She's done worse that she doesn't even know that I know about like fucking my ex husband when we were still married, when she KNEW it was not cool.
I have to say it feels a lot better to be so free. No more of this shit.
So let it be written, So let it be done.
The girls are gone. It's been a hairy ordeal. I will miss them in some ways for certain, but I don't think I'll ever hear from them again. It's just not a good time for a teenager to be told about how their character flaw because they lied, deceived, used, and manipulated someone.
They've landed, and we didn't even get a phone call or an email. All of their friends did though.
Nice.
How sick to give your heart and love to people that just use you, don't want to be there for you when you were there for them. etc etc.
Lesson is learned.
I used to be the most compassionate and willing person. But I've had enough of that shit.
If someones actions are the kind that I expect would come from a friend. They are gone. No drama involved. Just remove myself from the situation. Maybe one day they will wake up and go "Wonder why." But I won't be holding my breath and I won't be "Taking them back."
Moving on now. Thank God.