She was beautiful. She was always the social butterfly of the family. A cheeky laugh. Mischievous twinkle in her eye. When my parents split up, my father was awarded custody of me, my Aunt Sylvia kept me during the week, and my dad on the weekends. She made me dresses by hand and put my hair in pig tails. I saw her last Christmas a year ago, even though I was 35, she still handed me the spoon from her famous deviled eggs. She made sure that I received broaches as inheritance when Grandma died last December just before Christmas.
I am absolutely stunned and saddened to find out last night that she died Christmas night in a house fire, with her husband.
A tide of memories keeps shifting in and out as the memories trade places momentarily with normal life and vice-verse. Sometimes I try to navigate the waters by trying to squeeze my synapses for her essence.... I just need a little more to know about her, something to cling to since the fire has taken all. There will be no pictures, no treasures, nothing but what is in my mind. I have pictures of my own, but they are from my and from my view. There is nothing *from* her perspective.
I'm trying to think of her as now existing as some part of the great scheme of the universe, with all knowledge. Now she knows all, and that I'm trying to find her....
So. well. yeah.
I've been sick for about 10 days. I'm not contagious anymore, but I am still walking around hacking up my lungs. I also fell sick on turkey day so that was fun. not. and i missed all my classes this week for the prepping for finals. suck.
i hope i can undo whatever damage has been done, but alas.
I'm working part time and going to school full time.
I'm selling my wheel and my camera because we are so fucking broke and 2 of our clients have not paid us, and we are holding out for a grant that may never make it here.
i have been seeing a free school counselor, he's basically a guy trying to get his doctorate in Psych. I get free counseling, he gets free experience. He's fairly decent. Excellent.
But it's my psych class, child development that's dropped the bomb on me. When they talk about "Authoritarian Parenting Style" and literally you can line me up with it. That drab text book language where your parent is this, therefor you are that. Yep. that's me, a result. major suck.
I thought I might be too old to be going through "I hate my parents", but apparently you aren't too old. And it's been festering even more as I try to cope during difficult times.
Ugh. So, that's what's been going on. I'm just trying to get through school.
Its been helpful